The Adventures of Phillip Hitech

Anal Behaviour sweeps nation!

2007-11-17T21:14:00.000Z

Anal Behaviour is sweeping the nation! Anal Behaviour is a two man act hailing from the urban sprawl of Cockingham. With their trademark Words and Whistles, Anal Behaviour is proving popular amongst Sock Hoppers countrywide.

Anal Behaviour formed and recorded their debut EP 'Cream Pie' following a hefty tiffin session during which several buns were heavily soiled. The sound of Anal Behaviour's debut has been described in the musical press as both 'painful' and 'deeply upsetting'.

Band member, Ring of Uranus (keyboard/drums/flying horseshit/vocals) has been quoted as saying, "It's difficult for a lot of people to comprehend our method of writing and recording our material simultaneously but we feel this adds to the whole sense of behaving anally, it's kind of free form anal without any forms at all.".

Brian Anus (guitar/teeth/various wind instruments/vocals) added, "We tend to look at music and sounds as a whole then rip them apart into their composite parts. We haven't got a fucking clue how to get them back together though.".

Anal Behaviour plan to finish their first full album, The Sound of Brown Noise, later this year; or possibly next year, or the year after. The Adventures of Phillip Hitech have managed to steal a copy of the title track 'Anal Fury'. Remember, Anal Behaviour should be enjoyed responsibly.

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Track details

eSnips Social DNA

Check the band out at http://www.myspace.com/itsanalbehaviour

Boy George held over High Bummery charges.

2007-11-13T19:55:00.000Z

Boy George was today held on charges of High Bummery after he allegedly imprisoned a male escort. In his defence Boy George states that he did not hang the escort by a hook whilst he performed hideous vocal performances at him but simply, "nailed him to the wall".

Star of the Month: Jim Bowen!

2007-10-16T19:51:00.000+01:00

This month will be totally Super, Spastic, Japseye for those born within the influence of Jim Bowen.

The 14th will bring fear and pain as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse decide to pop round for tea. Famine will bring along a splendid cake however.

Typical Jim Bowenarians like the smell of burning fat and tasting the love. Medical complaints include, Myxomatosis, Hydrophones, Searing Cock Mustard and Mallards of the BumDrum.

Your lucky number is: 180!!!

Warning: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'i'm getting treatment for that rash' Crowe.

Dick Manly...On Point

2007-09-21T11:29:00.000+01:00

This week Dick Manly has been investigating the disturbing rise of sexual harassment in the workplace. Having based most of his research on websites such as 'Naughty Office' and 'Bang My Shenanigans, In The Orifice' we sent Dick to work undercover in an office. This report promises to expose the shocking abuse of males by often fuck-ugly women.
All names in this report have been censored.

Monday 5th, 09.05hrs: My first day at Spud-U-Mong head office. I am greeted by a woman called ****. She makes me feel uneasy with her eyes. I am shown to my work space. within minutes of my arrival **** has asked if, "I want anything just come and see her." Shockingly the blatant abuse of my maleness has already begun.

11.17hrs: **** has been sitting on her bottom all morning. Occasionally banging on a bit about stuff. she told me that, "I could have it", which I found to be rather sexually predatory. Combined with her 'accidentally' touching my knee at 11.15hrs I feel that perhaps she is a sex maniac, possibly well known to the local dogging community. I begin to wish I'd taken my medication this morning.

12.07hrs: Whilst I was stood very close-by, **** lunged towards my gentleman's area with sudden force and intent. I am scared and may have leaked.

15:30hrs: **** asked if I was "alright." I fear this to be some form of dogging terminology. She then walked around the office a bit in a suggestive manner.

Tuesday 6th, 10:oohrs: **** suggested she may have a coffee. I believe she was indeed referring to my privates in a lewd manner. She then told me she could not find her cup which I believe to be a reference to something termed 'Cream Pie'.

12:05: ****** said that she would like one. **** agreed. Depraved sex talk in evidence. ****** stated she wanted "white coffee", obviously referring to Sperm.

13:37hrs: Larry hasn't got me my medication yet. Bastard.

16.14hrs: **** writing on paper in a suggestive manner. ****** said thank you for the coffee with sexual undertones. **** then suggested I, "make it with a Goat". **** then told me, "I haven't had it yet." She suggested she was "Getting there" however. I made excuses and left early.

Wednesday 7th, 10.41hrs: **** asked if there was anything I could "take down" for her. I felt sexually assaulted in a verbal manner.

14.20hrs: **** drew her breath in in a shocked manner which I believe intimated oral desires.

16.45hrs: **** asked me if "he had been in today?" A clear sexual reference to my Johnson. No sign of Larry or me tablets. Things are getting freaky, just like in 'Nam when Charlie used to Bum Surf the wire. Like ghosts man, fucking ghosts...

Thursday 8th, 09.45hrs: **** requested I "Whip her there". She claims to have been referring to a trip out in the company car to fetch doughnuts. I am not so sure so I keep my distance and sit in the back to drive her to the shop.

11.15hrs: **** suggested we should all get drunk and go up the hill and sit in a car with some other people. She also suggested bringing a camera for some reason. I am not sure where I am anymore, just a few minutes ago I thought I saw my old CO stood by the photocopier. He died in Khe Sahn...I need my tablets. It's all happening again.

15.17hrs: **** suggested that ****** has breasts, 34DD and is in fact wearing M&S pants.

Friday 9th, 11.02hrs: Finally Larry's come up with my tablets. Too late to stop the blood pouring down the walls however. I am in a world of terror. I try to focus on my job whilst ravenous females prowl around me. A lone male in an office environment, I am targeted as meat in a jungle of lettuce kebabs. My sweat is tangible. My Claymores set.

15:00hrs: **** tells me that she could "do it" as long as she wasn't on her own.

16.30hrs: **** asks me if ****** has been "let off" early today. This is a clear sexual come on. I fear for my own safety as **** comes closer. I pull on the detonator but the Claymores are fucked. Damn this war. Damn you American arms industry. Damn you all to hell.

17:oohrs: The end of my week undercover. I was appalled at what I discovered, not only at what I found behind my sofa whilst looking for tablets, but also at the shockingly offensive level of sexual content prevalent in today's workplace perpetrated by women. Shame on you all. Shame.

This has been Dick Manly....on point.

Get some.

Star of the month: Dave Dickinson!

2007-09-12T16:10:00.000+01:00

There is trouble afoot for those born within the influence of Dave Dickinson.

On the 15th you will be mistaken for a Mahogany table and sold at auction for a disappointing profit. Woodworm also feature heavily this month and you may find your legs become unusable due to rising damp on the 21st.

A good polish up with some Mr Sheen will do you the world of good and may bring an unexpected love suprise from an oversexed pervert of some kind, possibly a tramp.

Dave Dickinson is a wood sign and as such those born within his influence will have a tendency to stand still in forests for long periods of time. They do however make exceptional furniture.

Dave Dickinsons should have limited social interaction with the world as human contact will tend to make them act like a deranged Oompa Loompa.

Your lucky number is: Cheap as chips.

Warning: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'is that my Vagina?' Crowe.

ADVERTISEMENT.

2007-08-25T12:00:00.000+01:00

Fed up with Chin Scrapes?

Upper Lip Chaffe becoming a social issue?

Well suffer no more...!

Developed using revolutionary weave technology and produced by Cambodians , Fox&Badger proudly present the all new NOEL EDMUNDS SAFETY BEARD, as worn by Noel Edmunds.

The Noel Edmunds Safety Beard uses NASA approved space-weave technology and monkey pubic hair, designed to withstand a 5,000 megaton blast. You may not survive but your chin will be preserved for future generations.

The Noel Edmunds Safety Beard is fully endorsed by Noel Edmunds who had this to say;

'My safety beard has kept me safe from all facial harm though it appears unable to protect me from the amazing Cunt I've become over the years. I am not gay however.'

Testimonials;

Mr T Sprayson, North Cockshire; 'This is a fantastic product. My chin has been safe from all kinds of things, Ham especially. I don't have a body anymore as I caught it in the lathe at work but at least my chin and upper lip are still recognisably human in origin, Beard-Tastic!'

Mr Pat Quim, Essex; 'With my safety beard I can attend any social event with complete peace of mind. No more do I have to worry about cocktail stick injuries or enforced buggery in public toilets.'

Mr O Bin Laden, location unknown; 'My safety beard has kept me safe from American justice for years now. Brilliant. I still have concerns about enforced buggery in small places but that's to be expected really.'

The Noel Edmunds Safety Beard is available from http://www.fox&badger.cum/ and for a limited period includes a copy of Noel Edmunds autobiography as written by Keith Chegwin.

WARNING: This product may contain traces of Monkey Nuts.

Star of the month: Dolly Parton!

2007-08-03T19:36:00.000+01:00

Those born within the influence of Dolly Parton will find that working 9 to 5 is no longer an option following lengthy leg surgery to correct a lazy Hambone.

On the 11th you will discover that Mexico is a place and not, as previously believed, a person. This will cause a stirring within the Geographic community and may result in your total and absolute alienation from human society. Not to worry however as there remains many other societies you can join, including Otter, Ant and Trout.

Beware of Valerie Singleton's Tit Rope on the 24th as this could result in extreme chaffing. Employ a sufficient Tit Cream such as Sauce de Loin to avoid this.

See http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2005/12/advertisement-valerie-singletons-tit.html for further information.

Dolly Parton is a wind sign and as such most persons born under her will experience medical conditions such as John Inman's of the Quim and Facial Crumbs . Neither condition is fatal but people will pay good money to see both in some form of modern day freak show.

Your lucky number is: Jubblylicious.

Warning: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'my eyes are bleeding' Crowe.

The Phillip Hitech theme tune

2007-07-17T12:24:00.000+01:00

After losing several fingers and a small portion of my bell end in the tape machine, the Phillip Hitech theme tune is once again working. Just press play. Enjoy the aural sensations created by the mysterious Son of Spam.

Star of the Month: Tori Spelling!

2007-07-16T09:50:00.001+01:00

Those born within the influence of Tori Spelling will find that despite lack of talent, looks and full brain function; they will star in several low grade movies this month.

On the 23rd you will be asked to play the part of Fanny Rumble in a low budget Bongo Movie entitled 'My Deluxe Ass 17'. It is advisable you take this offer up. The film quality will be fuzzy and possibly filmed on some bloke's mobile and you will gain a free apple.

All Tori Spelling-aurians will find they have the uncanny ability to act like a social leech, bleeding those around them dry. They also have a liking for roasted cats and satsumas.
The typical Tori Spelling-aurian has a head like a hole, possibly as black as my soul.

Your lucky number is well in the millions.

Avoid Manfat on the 11th.

Warning: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'Teeny Weeny' Crowe.

The Secret Diary of Flid Boy. An everyday superhero

2007-07-07T12:01:00.000+01:00

My name is Derek but everyone calls me Flid Boy and I need operations.

A new boy started in our class yesterday. His name is Jib Jab and he comes from PacManistan. He likes to piss in a bucket and has never touched a biscuit. He wears a big fuck off hat and sandals. Miss Hindley, our religious education teacher, says Jib Jab worships Harry Seacombe, though I think He was having a laugh when He created Jib Jab.

Father Callaghan has invented a new way of predicting the weather, by sticking his finger up my ass. The stinky finger technique for weather forecasting is relatively new in the world of meteorology. Father Callaghan says if I tell anyone they won’t believe me because I’m French and everyone knows the French don’t exist.

I don’t want to be French :-(

Johnny Jacobson the Jew had his knob cut off. It’s part of his religion. Fucking Nazis'.

Mom says by the time I’m 15 I’ll be blind and have to shit in a bag. I’m going to get laser eyes when I’m blind. I wish I was blind now. Madigan says if I touch my solider excessively I’ll go blind. I don’t believe him. I fiddled with myself all night last night and I still have eyes. I even let MacGyver lick my soldier’s helmet.

As Jim Bowen always said, “Super. Spastic. Smashing. Great. Japseye!”

Griffiths to take on MANBONE

2007-06-06T10:37:00.000+01:00

Spirograph TV have announced the launch of their latest quiz-soap-detective-docu-drama, MANBONE.

MANBONE will follow the exploits of Detective Crusty MANBONE as he seeks to get a question right at the local pub quiz whilst getting incredibly drunk on Pernod.

A Spirograph TV spokesperson told us;

"MANBONE is really about the inner struggle we all face. Namely, do I really need to be a cunt and participate in pub quizzes? The script openly poses the ethical question, don't they really spoil a good night out for everyone else?"

"MANBONE will feature an array of hats. In fact there hasn't been as many hats on British TV in one go since The Onedin Line."

Derek Griffiths is to play MANBONE in a break from his typecast role as children's television plaything.

Derek told us;

"I'm hoping to follow in the footsteps of Lorraine Kelly and break out of comedy into drama; that is afterall where I started out after attending the HamBurglar School of Autistic Arts."

"I am very excited about MANBONE. When I get a character like this I like to treat them as my own, so after getting to grips with my secret Crusty MANBONE I realised just how gritty and, well, bloody raw the old boy is."

MANBONE will be assisted by his trusty sidekick, Spunky Biscuit and will be on our fictional screens by mid-October.
Derek Griffiths will be seeking medical advice immediately.

Star of the month: Little & Large!

2007-06-01T13:05:00.000+01:00

Those born within the twin influence of Little and Large will find themselves attacked by sudden and violent flatulence this month. This will be to such a degree that simultaneous launch into earth's outer orbit will be achieved.

Anyone who knows their beans when it comes to Astromological readings will be aware that such is the power of Little and Large that they rule over both the month of May and June.

Those born within these times will be blessed with the power of ass and will find they have sexual leanings towards retarded ginger people.

Beware of flids in big fuck off electric chairs on the 17th.

Warning: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'I'll beat you to within an inch of your life' Crowe.

The Oxford Pocket Book of Ass.

2007-04-28T08:59:00.000+01:00

Starting today The Adventures of Phillip Hitech are proud to bring you the first in our serialisation of 'The Oxford Pocket Book of Ass'. You will not find this exclusive anywhere else! No, really, you won't.

Originally conceived as a coffee table edition 'The Big Coffee Table Book of Ass' became pocket sized amid fear of law suits concerning spilt Latte incidents.

Now a handy size for the quick and easy identification of Ass this book is a must for any gay Manbag, pocket or even carrier bag if you're a tramp.
_______________________________________________________
The Oxford Pocket Book of Ass

1. Assus Bubbleous. First discovered in 1765 by Lord Nelson (possibly) this Ass has gone on to produce some of the world's most intricate stools; the largest of which was reformed to create the land of Scotland. An Ass such as this is susceptible to a condition known as 'Bubble-Butt'. Those mounting a Bubble-Butt should be wary as it may burst at any second leading to flash Cock Burns.

Star of the Month: Leonard Nimoy!

2007-04-21T12:08:00.000+01:00

Those born under the star of Leonard Nimoy will find everything becoming highly illogical on the 23rd.

This feeling will increase in intensity until finally you are unable to comprehend the illogical nature of the universe.

You will accidentally deconstruct your own reality and reason for existence on the 29th.

Leonard Nimoy is a Water sign and as such those born within his influence will regularly piss themselves at social events.

Your lucky number is illogical.

WARNING: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'Maximus Cuntus' Crowe.

More dangerous than an electric fire in the bath?

2007-04-20T09:42:00.000+01:00

Shilpa Shetty has been named the second most hazardous substance on earth, beating both weapons grade Plutonium and Lava. Though highly dangerous to look at or touch Shilpa was still denied the top spot by popular Cunt, Tom Hanks.

Shilpa is now on her second international incident following a heated hand shandy with John Malcovich.

Mr Malcovich told us;

"This had nothing to do with me whatsoever. I was fellating a Moose in California at the time of the incident."

India is said to be outraged, for a change, and effigies of Ben & Jerry have been burning throughout the land.

A spokesman for Ben & Jerry told us;

"I don't know how we got dragged into all this as we only produce quality icecream but there it is."

In reaction to the incident the US has imposed sanctions on Shilpa. During a press conference Ronald Dumpsfeld told us;

"If we can stop all trade with this woman we can hopefully limit the damage she can cause. We are particularly concerned with the current levels of turd trade in and out of her."

Invasion plans have been drawn up in anticipation of the failure of the sanctions.

"Obviously we'll give the sanctions time to take effect, possibly a few days, but then a tactical pre-emptive assault will be imminent."

It is widely believed US forces will enter Shilpa Shetty up her Kyhber Pass.

Star of the Month: Nigella Lawson!

2007-03-14T10:56:00.000Z

Those born under the star of Nigella Lawson need to take extra care of their legs this coming weekend. A knee related injury is on the cards and this may involve Lettuce of the Knee Bone. On the 29th you will contract Syphillis.

Nigella Lawson is an Earth sign and those born within her influence will undoubtedly be feeling inadequate in many ways. Common ailments associated with this star are Crooked Man-Trumpet and Crusty Flangitis. Neither ailment is fatal but both are socially unnacceptable.

Your lucky number this month is Q.

WARNING: Astromological readings provided by Russell Crowe.

Please note; there is no Star of the Month for Febuary. Studies have shown that people born within this month do not actually exist.

Diversifimication.

2007-01-24T11:28:00.000Z

Here at Hi-Tech Towers we truly believe in diversifimication; to diversify being to live, to live being not to die, to die being to become stagnant smelly ho's.

Alan Scrotum knows an awful lot about stagnant smelly ho's and cites this as the cause of many of his social diseases, including his incredibly brown smelly finger. Just the other day he paid fifty quid to some manky slapper who rocked his monkey good and proper.

.

In this spirit we are pleased to announce the launch of several side-projects and we want to bring you; our avid and perverted reader with us.

So go check out these new quality sites from the creators of Bread, Butter and The Adventures of Phillip Hitech!

Get my banner code or create your own banner

http://soundsoftheworldturning.blogspot.com/

Get my banner code or create your own banner

http://onedayclosertofriday.blogspot.com/

Get my banner code or create your own banner

http://spirographmonthly.blogspot.com/

You won't be disappointed but you might be a manky old slapper.

Star of the Month: Brian Blessed!

2007-01-10T12:15:00.000Z

Those born under the star of Brian Blessed will experience an uncomfortable feeling that nobody actually likes them around the 21st of January.

Trust that inner feeling as it is totally true. Suicide is probably the best route forward through these troubled times.

Brian Blessed is a Wind sign and you should be wary of fruit this month.

WARNING: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'I'm still breathing' Grant.

For the perfect fit go peedo

2007-01-08T17:24:00.000Z

Kiddie Fiddler Inc launches its new swim wear range for summer 2007.

Made from a highly durable and stain resistant material, peedo trunks are machine washable at low temperatures.

Hang out in all the right places with peedo swimwear from Kiddie Fiddler Inc.

As worn by Garry Glitter in Cambodia, Thailand and Vietnam.

This product is in no way endorsed by Pete Townshend.

For the perfect fit go peedo

Star of the month: Fred Dibnah!

2006-12-08T00:12:00.000Z

Those born under the star of Fred Dibnah will most likely feel a tightening of the anal purse strings this month as Christmas attempts to screw them up the ass.

WARNING: Astromological reading supplied by Russell Grant, who, regretfully remains alive and well.

John Craven's Newsround

2006-10-10T19:45:00.000+01:00

Heathrow Terminal evacuated after suspicious bag discovered

A man was arrested under the Terrorism Act after a terminal at Heathrow Airport was evacuated today because of a suspicious ball bag, police said.

Passengers were allowed back into Terminal Two after the ball bag was checked and cleared by specialist officers.

An airport source, who declined to be identified, said a police swab test for explosives on the bag had showed positive, but that it was not a viable ball bag bomb.

A police spokeswoman declined comment on whether explosive substances had been detected but said she felt quite excited 'down below.'

She gave no further details.

Categories: John Craven's Newsround

Man spews ring into orbit.

2006-08-27T02:34:00.000+01:00

Further oil has been added to the fire of Planetoid debate as Mr Fritz Von Cavanagh succesfully spewed his own ring piece into space. Baffled Astonomers were amazed at the discovery of what they assumed to be yet another Planetoid.

Astronomer, Johnny Walker told us this;

"We all thought it was a major new discovery. I had won the sweepstake to have it named after me so I was pretty excited. Imagine my disappointment when I phoned NASA and they told me it was just a ring piece. The lads in the observatory named the photocopier after me instead to stop me crying like a cunt. It's not really the same though. I hear NASA are taking it seriously now however."

Since gaining orbit Mr Fritz Von Cavanagh's ring piece has developed it's own gravitational pull. It has effectively drawn all the nearby space vomit into itself and, we are told, is growing.

Jack Daniels, NASA Head of Stuff;

"The rate at which this thing is growing is phenomenal. We've already lost several satellites that are just covered in spew and inoperable. With our big computers and the like we have been able to predict it's further growth. We believe that by next week it will be big enough to be classed as a planet. Tom Hanks has absolutely nothing to do with this."

We spoke with Mr Fritz Von Cavanagh at his home in Worthingtons Originals, Chestershire.

"I don't really recall the event at all. I just remember hearing Petula Clarke's Puppet on a String then a vague popping sound in my ears as my ring piece exited my mouth. Fuck knows where it went but the house was a state when I woke up. Piss and Spew everywhere. It's ruined the carpet and I used to have a dog."

So, it would seem Puko is a planet afterall.

Today's writing style has been: Naked.

The Weekly Game

2006-08-07T17:21:00.000+01:00

Spot the difference and win 1000 Kruntz!

Here is your chance to win 1000 tax free Kruntz to spend on the oral pleasure of your choice. To win this outlandish prize just spot the difference between the two pictures of Lady Heather Mills McCartney. Good Luck!!

Categories: The Weekly Game

The New Sikhers

2006-08-03T10:31:00.000+01:00

Brown Star Records are proud to announce the signing of the bad boys of Punjabi ghetto rap The New Sikhers. Born to a brown wind but with aural licks as sweet as vaginal honey, the 5 Punjabi MCs and 1 Punjabi DJ will be releasing their first EP, Dog Fish (More Dangerous Than A Cat Fish) just before Christmas.

The unusual suspects are – Vin Diesel, who is said to have charmed the virginity from a nun with his mesmeric man eyes; Warpig, the leader of the Punjabi pack with the voice of the Man Beast; Armpit, the undisputed God of darkness but a little shy; Rangi Ram, whose cock piercing really is the man jewel in the lady crown; Manshank, believed to be long in the trouser and The Dangerous Gardener, the DJ whose faster than light fingers gave birth to Bollywood Breakbeats.

The playlist for the Christmas EP Dog Fish (More Dangerous Than A Cat Fish) will be - Eye of The Man Tiger, My Kirpan Weighs a Ton, It Ain't Half Hot Mum, They Call it Cunny Love, and the secret bonus track, You Have Been Watching.

Brown Star Records - Prick up your ears

Categories: John Craven's Newsround

Lakes discovered on Titan.

2006-08-02T13:10:00.000+01:00

Today the Larry Hagman institute of Applied creams announced that there are indeed Rivers and lakes on Titan, moon of Saturn and uncle to several meteors. A spokesman told us;

"This discovery has absolutely nothing to do with us. We do however suspect the lakes may be edible by the year 2019. There is a hope that they can maybe be used to make some kind of fantastic miracle cream that could perhaps regrow limbs and the like."

Other scientists, less credible scientists at that, believe Titan's lakes and rivers to comprise largely of liquid methane or a combination of ethane and methane. They are believed to be incredibly frigid.

We contacted natural porn athlete, Ron Jeremy, and asked him if he could take a look. Ron Jeremy is currently travelling the universe at Pornosonic speeds in his bid to save Tom Hanks from an asteroid collision. (Read more on that story @http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2006/01/ron-jeremy-launch-successful.html)

We received this report from Ron Jeremy at precisely two bollocks past cock.

"Hi guys, wow, fuck what an atmosphere. I reached Titan in no time at all really and I'm glad I did. It's fucking crazy. Those lakes man, they ain't frigid I can tell you, they're hot as your mama's ass! There's a whole bunch of Aliens down here, call themselves the Spermo-plasmoids. Crazy fuckers and they know how to porno-party. I nearly shit myself with excitement when they asked me to join in. I've never had it so good.

Afterward they invited me for a swim in the lakes to cool off. Unfortunately it was only once I'd dived in mouth agape that I realised that they are in fact cum lakes. Well, that's probably made me gay so I've decided to exile myself here. Fuck Hanks, he really is a lot of a cunt.

Say Hi to the human race for me and if you ever want to contact me do it through their website. Yeah they're on the net. Amazing isn't it."

We had Charlie Mingus, currently exiled in the fictional country of france, locate their site for us. You sick fucks can find it @http://tgp.pornaccess.com/galleries/spermo-plasmoids-from-outer-space/a11/?adv_id=10566

This discovery now makes Titan the only moon with an atmosphere and a thriving porn industry. Truly astounding.

Categories: John Craven's Newsround

NORMAL SERVICE HAS BEEN RESUMED.

2006-07-31T22:27:00.000+01:00

We have finally extracted ourselves from the stationary cupboard only to find the research Monkeys had given up the revolution and returned to work 5 days ago. Dick Manly told us this,

"They gave it up once they'd run out of fresh buggery holes. We just thought it'd be a laugh to leave you lot in there for a bit. In reality I was hoping you'd eat that bastard Scrotum but disappointingly I notice he is still alive."

Dick was beaten savagely and his desk can now be found on the balcony. The more observant among you will recall that Hitech towers indeed has no balconies.

Jesus Harold Christ has been severely traumatised by his ordeal. This was his only statement;

"I just want to be left alone with my apple for a bit."

The return of the Hitech team has been celebrated worldwide with extravagant displays of Fannery and Felatio in many countries. A spokesman for Algeria told us,

"It's immense and all very emotional."

We will never speak of this incident again.

Categories: Unclassified

Spunk- Episode 2

2006-07-17T17:06:00.000+01:00

The Adventures of Phillip Hitech office Pharmacutical party went with it's usual bang as the monkey researchers staged a bloody coup which has so far seen 122 deaths, 47 sucking chest wounds, 17 bent fingers, and two unrelated cases of carpet burns.

At precisely 02:00hrs whilst Q Niles was performing his infamous Dance of the Ostrich, the Monkeys made their move. They quickly enveloped the startled Q Niles and overpowered him, causing him to bend his lady finger painfully. It was at this point the power was cut and the shooting began.

The firefight that ensued was epic and brutal. I recall seeing Q Niles thrashing about on the floor. He was using his weapon of choice - Sodomy. Alan Scrotum quickly entered a beserker rage and was waving his brown smelly finger all over the place whilst Jesus Harold Christ was attempting to razzle dazzle with the shining light of his heart and head. He was soon taken captive and forced to watch all of his nemesis' (Tom Cruise) films back to back. We can still hear his pitiful wailing.

After a day of heavy fighting we survivors have managed to regroup in the stationary cupboard. Only myself, Q Niles, Scrotum, Badjob and Dick Manly are left. We have few supplies (largely paper clips and the like) and would consider eating Scrotum but fear he is highly toxic. We have now resorted to drinking our own piss and I'm sure Dr Larry Badjob has shit himself, more than once. The monkeys have full control of Hitech Towers. All we can do is wait out the seige. I told Winston it was a bad idea to hire Kung-fu monkeys.

To anybody out there reading this please send Napalm and Drugs. Broken arrow. Broken arrow.

(see SPUNK episode 1 @http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2005/12/spunk-episode-one.html)

Categories: Unclassified

Man of Dreams dies at 60.

2006-07-12T11:16:00.000+01:00

Syd Barrett, legendary singer/songwriter and man supposedly made entirely of dreams passed away yesterday at the age of 60.

Syd was most famous for co-founding the band Pink Floyd in 1965 and writing the classic album, Piper at the gates of dawn. He also invented psychedelic drug abuse.

By 1968 Syd had gone totally mental and left the band to concentrate on the voices in his head. He released two solo albums, entitled 'Wibble, Wibble.' and 'Jesus Christ the Giraffes are in the loft again.' Having met with little commercial success Syd decided to release himself in various formats including Animal, Vegetable and Mineral. Again commercial success eluded him and Syd became a total recluse. During this time he was quoted as saying very little.

By 1971 Syd had largely overcome his Mentalism and invested what money he had into buying vast tracts of land to build affordable quality housing for the masses. Barrett Homes was an overnight success and it is believed Syd spent the remainder of his days flying around in a helicopter. It is also believed that Syd still had his bike at this point but had become more choosy over who could ride it. It still had rings and things to make it look good, apparently.

Whatever the truth is Syd Barrett will remain a mythical figure in the world of music; a genius legend, a poet, a painter, the original Piper at the gates of dawn. He was the man who influenced the future of music and inspired artists as diverse as David Bowie and Boyzone.

The Adventures of Phillip Hitech will be holding an office pharmacutical party in his honour this Saturday. We urge you to do the same.

Categories: Obituaries

Beware the FINGERS OF ENGLAND.

2006-07-02T12:31:00.000+01:00

Down....

Out....

But never beaten.

The Fingers of England will rise again.

Categories: Obituaries

Well Fuck Me! World Cup Special

2006-07-01T09:14:00.000+01:00

Portugal

England's opponents in the quarter finals of the world cup. Bring it on!!!!!!!!

Invaded more times than Vietnam, Portugal finally emerged as a nation in its own right in 1128. The country is rich in flora and fanny fauna with the northwest region covered with the mixed fanny forests of many nations.

The capital Lisbon is most famous for its romantic and erotic scenery. In the 1950's Frank Sinatra maintained a furry love palace here and could be heard man handling himself each night.

The most famous Portuguese musician is Skat Man Do, who sings about sadness, pain, nostalgia, happiness, love and piles, often in the same song.

The Alfonso Brothers are the Portuguese Marx Brothers. They have kept the country laughing for well over fifty years through their extensive use of fur in their comedy routines.

The wank mag can be traced back to the renowned and often incompetent adventurer poet Luis De Camoes (c 1524-1580) who wrote the epic poem Linda Lusardi. Whilst being a prolific tit-poet he was a poor navigator and got lost in a shit storm somewhere in Africa.

Portugal boasts the longest bridge in the world constructed from Madeira cake.

Whilst listening to the Portuguese national anthem I haemorrhaged and died suddenly.

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

Well Fuck Me! World Cup Special

2006-06-25T12:45:00.000+01:00

Ecuador

England's next opponents in the knock out stage of the world cup.

Ecuador was originally designed as a film set in 1965 by Pinewood Studios for Lawrence Brownbat's experimental film, Prolapse and is the only country ever to be crowned Miss World.

Al Pacino is the Ecuadorian Chief of State and the country boasts the freshest lady shrimp in the world. Jeff Goldblum was famously shot in Ecuador in the 1980's. There are no famous Ecuadorians.

Whilst listening to the Ecuadorian national anthem I succumbed to Parkinson’s and slipped into a coma.

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

The rough guide to Q Niles & Kulkowski

2006-06-21T11:11:00.000+01:00

Winston Q Niles and myself have decided. It's about time you all got to know us better.
So here it is, the definitive guide to all things Q Niles and Kulkowski. Brothers born to different mothers. Co-creators of the entity known as THE ADVENTURES OF PHILLIP HITECH. All round bad-ass kick shitting butt mongerers.

Winston Q Niles; born Louise Louise Q Niles, started life in a shoebox northwest of Sainsbury's car park, Lower Spuffingham. From these humble beginnings he went on to star not only in the Korean war but also the Crimean and Boer wars respectively. Having seen much action in the anal penninsular, for which he was awarded the covetted Brown Star, Q Niles suffered extreme battle fatigue and began life as a vegetable.

During this time he worked on many film scripts - all of which were returned to him smeared with shit. Thus began a ten year struggle with Hollywood. The story of Q Niles' battle to become king of Hollywood is superbly retold in the film Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts delivering an accurate portrayal of Q Niles inner gender struggle.

By the late 90's Winston Q Niles had firmly established himself as a man and a leading expert in the field of Tomfoolery. His japes are the stuff of legend and to this day he tops the League of Tomfoolerers despite having retired from Tomfoolery in 2001.

Winston Q Niles spent most of 2002-2005 living with monkeys in a commune. He helped them build schools and a movie complex which revived interest in the flagging monkey film industry. Q niles has starred in and directed 21 monkey films to date.

Since co-founding The Adventures of Phillip Hitech, Q Niles has taken full advantage of inter-dimensional travel and has so far taken a dump in 71 alternate realities.
He told us this;

"I'm very proud of what I've achieved and plan to visit more alternative realities so I can shit all over them."

Winston Q Niles' legs are made of wax and Q is for cunt.

Here are some stock photos of him.

Manny Kulkowski; 'born' Manfold Crockoshite Kulkowski, came into being following an explosion in a biscuit factory. Some say he has the power of Bourbon Cream but this is unsubstantiated. Kulkowski refuses to be drawn on this subject.
He told us;

"I refuse to be drawn on this subject."

Kulkowski has a dark and murky past, several decades of which have been found to be removed from history completely.
We know that in 1969 Kulkowski was charged with impersonating God for profit and served time inside. It is thought that during this period he learnt the value of not dropping your soap in the shower.
Kulkowski used his time of imprisonment wisely, developing revolutionary Hand Spankery techniques.
On his release Kulkowski was ready to open the first Hand Spankery on Broadway. It was an overnight success and soon boasted celebrity clients such as John Travolta, Sammy Davis Jnr and William Shatner.
He quickly tired of hand spankery however and went on to create the controversial salon, You Beautiful mong. His first client was Tom Cruise and Kulkowski apologises right here and now for what he did.
Find out more about You Beautiful Mong @ http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2006/01/advertisement.html

Manny Kulkowski's story is told in the trilogy Lethal weapon 1 - 3. Both Danny Glover and Mel Gibson play Kulkowski, providing a visual representation of his inner race struggle.
The fullest available account of his life can be found in Kulkowski's profile. His hatred of Tom Hanks is well documented.

Since co-founding The Adventures of Phillip Hitech Manny Kulkowski has exposed himself selflessly to every known drug in the universe in an attempt to locate the perfect high.
He told us;

"I fully expect to be tripping well into the next century. Freak out man!"

Manny Kulkowski designed the Ass-shelfTM. "Because every ass needs a shelf" and believes shopmobility carts to be the transport of the future.

Here are some stock photos of him.

And what of their plans for the future?

They told us;

"We've got a story to tell, one that'll lay all you fuckers down. It's all about the robot, Phillip Hitech but you'll have to wait for that one. Once it's told we plan to retire and open a Biscuit shop somewhere quiet."

Want to know more about the Hitech team? Follow these links to learn more about our errant contributors;

Alan Scrotum - http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2006/01/holy-cock-fire.html

Jesus Harold Christ - http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2006/01/jesus-harold-christ-i-have-seen.html

Categories: John Craven's Newsround

Well Fuck Me! World Cup Special

2006-06-20T13:54:00.000+01:00

Sweden

Formed from man fat and covered in spuff, Sweden is the country that looks like a flaccid penis on any map you care to name.

Sweden was discovered by Goatar, the greatest fighting goat ever to have lived, whose epic battles with the Beowulf live on today through the Norse sagas written over 2000 years ago.

The first references to Sweden in historical documents, were made by the Roman historian Titilatius. In the first century Titilatius observed that whilst the Romans wrote poetry, the Swedes were still playing with their goat like cocks. Even today, every Swede on the planet has the genitalia reminiscent of a goat's.

Sweden's main exports include cock iron and budgerigars. In 2001 Sweden recorded a substantial budgerigar surplus that threatened to destabilise the world’s budgerigar markets.

Sweden is a nation of toilet traders who like to holiday in the untouched fanny forests that cover most of inland Sweden.

National holidays include Peter Purvis Day and Legover, on 13th December. Legover is religiously observed by Sven-Goran Eriksson and Ulrika Jonsson, sometimes in the same room.

Most famous Swedes include Bjorn Borg, leader of the Borg Collective and adversary to Jean Luc Picard, and Ingmar Bergman who liked to scare children with visions of death.

Whilst listening to the Swedish national anthem I experienced congenital heart failure.

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

Well Fuck Me! World Cup Special

2006-06-15T10:00:00.000+01:00

Trinidad and Tobago

Trinidad and Tobago became part of the British Empire in the 19th century and is located close to Bernard Manning's left nipple. Although slightly smaller than a large Tupperware container, Trinidad and Tobago has the world's largest natural reservoir of cheese. Scientists in the country have begun constructing a cheese tower that will reach the moon, where more cheese is believed to be located. Upon completion, Trinidad and Tobago will become the largest cheese superpower in the universe.

Trinidad and Tobago's legal system is based on the Law of the Seaside and the country has more than a dozen public holidays each week. Trinidad and Tobago is the only exporter of Dwight Yorke and is a major importer of biscuits; the country has no natural biscuit resources of its own. The president of Trinidad and Tobago is Peg Leg Bates whose stag fighting antics are famous in the Carribean.

Whilst listening to the Trinidad and Tobago national anthem I contracted genital warts.

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

Let's all get behind Crouch and give him a push.

2006-06-11T17:44:00.000+01:00

We here at the Adventures of Phillip Hitech have decided to fully back Peter Crouch during his epic struggle through the World Cup. Say what you will about his robot dance and lack of internal organs we feel that here among us is one brave man.

To raise awareness of Peter's plight we have launched the 'Let Peter Crouch play in his wheelchair' campaign.

Our own team physician, Dr Larry Badjob had this to say;

"On the evidence of not only Saturday's performance but many previous outings I can only conclude that this man suffers from extreme Spastosis. To force him to play out of his chair, which he so clearly needs, is tantamount to animal cruelty. I've been on the phone to Rolf Harris and he'll be looking into it."

To highlight this campaign we are asking everyone to sit down and act like a spastic for one minute on June 15th at 11:00.

Please show your solidarity.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

Ani-magi-tastic!

2006-06-11T15:53:00.000+01:00

Hi, I'm Johnny Morris and I didn't live long enough to be dead without knowing a thing or two about maintaining good health. Here's five of my top Animal Magic Health Tips to keep you in tip-top-tastic condition until death.

1. Wear a Lemur.

Lemur's are well known for their healing properties when worn as either a hat or scarf. These marvellous creatures can even be worn as epilettes and instinctively know to deposit their shit in your pocket. I was talking to my Lemur the other day and he said, "I don't want to go in the box," so I said, "Get in the box," and he said, "I don't want to go in the box," and so on...

2. Fight a Stag.

You should aim to fight at least one Stag a day. This will promote blood flow around (and out of) the body and identify you as a monkey in a world of chimps. Stags; known as the most belligerent of all animals, are easily drawn into a good hoof up. Insulting their antlers by calling them shit sticks will normally suffice but if you want to be totally sure of a scrap then simply approach one and blatantly spill his pint whilst calling him a 'pig fucking ass master'.

3. Invest in fish.

Fish oils have been used to ensure supple joints and promote brain activity for centuries, however, the accepted method of ingesting these products is simply inneffective. My advice is to attach a fish to your thumb (the most absorbant point of your body). Wearing a Thumb Fish not only increases the likelihood of being sectioned under the mental health act but also of getting a seven letter word in Scrabble whilst winning a game of Twister.

4. Place your life in danger every day.

My preferred method is to squeeze the balls of a Tiger. If you do not have a Tiger to hand then there are many methods available to you; in some areas a simple walk to the local shop will suffice. A life threatening act promotes the voiding of the bowel, thus eliminating any discomfort associated with chronic constipation. Constipation is the biggest killer in Western society with many people so full of it they're crying tears of shit on their death beds. Don't let it be you, shit your pants on a regular basis and remember....You must always Purge before you Plentify.

5. Spank the monkey.

A wank a day keeps your friends away. Research shows that there is a 99.9% probability that your friends will kill you. Excessive masturbation, particularly at a party, is the sure fire way of keeping your friends out of your life. You won't regret a thing as you get to live to 100 having enjoyed an agonisingly long and lonely life.

Well that's enough from me and my Lemur. Follow these tips and one day you'll be as dead as I am. For further help you can purchase my Long Play Record (33rpm) rammed to the hilt with practical health advice mixed with my own style of animal musings and the relaxing sounds of Britain's urban landscape.

Johnny Morris' Sound of Sirens LP is available from most reputable shops from the 1970's priced at £1,000 in todays money.

This article has been sponsored by The World Cup.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

Well Fuck Me! World Cup Special

2006-06-09T13:23:00.000+01:00

Throughout the world cup we will be profiling each of England's opponents. The first fixture for the greatest nation ever to war hats is against Paraguay. The game will take place on Saturday 9th June and can be seen live on the BBC website.

Paraguay was fashioned from bacon in 1525 by the explorer Andy Garcia, famed for having Parakeets for hands. National past times include military coups, political assassinations and balloon manipulation. Paraguay is the world's major exporter of anal beads, man wood and lady oil. However, the South American country is most famous for everyone's favourite children's character – Muddy Bear. Paraguay's national anthem is a dull affair and I developed Spina Bifida whilst listening. The international dialling code for Paraguay is +595. So give them a call and tell them they stink of bacon and they're shit at football.

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

Issue 8

2006-05-29T17:17:00.000+01:00

Cock a hoop with ten fantastic facts you should fucking well know

Women who read The Adventures of Phillip Hitech have sex twice as often as those who don't
Stephen King publishes a new book every thirteen minutes
7% of Americans just don't know
The average person can live eleven days without pubic hair
Listening to the songs of Sting during sex can lead to infertility
Percentage of Fern Britton that is in the wilderness - 28
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not get it into bed
Only humans and horses sing hymns
The orgin of the word "penis" is Latin, meaning "cock"
There are over 1,700 references to the rock band Kiss in the Bible

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

Nudists get one up the 'arris.

2006-05-26T14:16:00.000+01:00

We have obtained amateur video footage of a suspected attack made upon the lovely naked people of Brighton nudist beach today. The film was severely damaged and only a few segments were left intact.
It is believed right wing anti-nudist campaigners may be to blame although eyewitnesses tell us Mr Elmslow, a regular nudist since 1958, was becoming rather 'excitable' around the time of the explosion.
Miss Dewy Meadows was enjoying her usual morning bounce when Mr Elmslow possibly 'went-off' subsequently 'losing his mess'.
Police are not ruling him out of their enquiry until all the evidence has been tasted.

Miss S T Davis told us;

"One minute we were frollicking naked and without a care, the next we were twenty miles up in the sky. It's incredible we all survived really."

Please view the following images with EXTREME caution.

Lesbians (possibly) frollicking without a care.

Miss Dewy Meadows enjoying her morning bounce.

Could this be the point at which Mr Elmslow possibly 'went off '?

5,000 tonnes of Manfat or a thermo-nuclear device? Police remain unsure.

Brighton Nudist beach will be closed for two weeks to allow for decontamination.

Categories: John Craven's Newsround

Re-oonification. Hitech gets scoop on Rooney injury!

2006-05-26T10:04:00.000+01:00

The results of Wayne Rooney's critical scan are due to be released at noon today. We at Hitech towers have however managed to gain inside information and can reveal the results to you now.

Speaking from the Laura Ashley Home furnishing and MRI scan department, Doctor Lowestoft James told us;

"We scanned Rooney's foot and were amazed at the findings. Please don't print this because they're going to cover it up later but we found a large amount of Burgers surrounding Rooney's metatarsal. God knows how they got there. We know that Rooney's diet relies heavily on the sadly neglected 'Maccie D' food group such as burgers, fries and a thick shake. It still doesn't explain how he came to have burgers of the metatarsal. There is perhaps some credence to the theory that this is a hereditary condition. We're applying a green salad dressing to try and remove them."

Fifa's official medical officer, Dr Jiri Dvorak told us;

"Each team physician must confirm by May 30th that their players are physically and mentally fit to participate in the world cup. We are aware that some of the players come from Liverpool and we'll take that into account."

With a deadline of 4 days it is felt drastic action may have to be considered.

Dr James told us;

"They''re considering a total foot graft. They wanted at least one of Ronaldinho's but apparently he'll be using both during the upcoming tournament. They may be able to get George Best's but fears are what with decomposition and the difficult task of re-animating dead tissue it may not work out. There is talk of a robo-foot being applied. If that doesn't work, perhaps a full robo-body which has been made in Hollywood I'm told."

Sources tell us that Sven-Goran Eriksson fears fellow players will request robotic enhancements too. David Beckham is well known for his love of robotic hair and Micheal Owen is said to be interested in a set of robotic teeth.

Categories: John Craven's Newsround

The Real Da Vinci Code

2006-05-21T18:28:00.000+01:00

Scientists at the Kris Kristofferson Institute for the Advancement of Hand Spankery have discovered a before unseen message in Leonardo Da Vinci's masterpiece the Mona Lisa.

Using faster than light technology, developed by Dr Larry Badjob for the Department of Hiding Things, scientists were able to analyse even the smallest of Da Vinci's brush strokes for hidden messages.

What was discovered is truly earth shattering. To view the hidden message encoded within the Mona Lisa, click on the following link:
The Real Da Vinci Code

Categories: John Craven's Newsround

Alistair Stewart: "I'm made of cardboard and I love it!"

2006-05-20T22:13:00.000+01:00

During an in-depth interview with The Adventures of Phillip Hitech, Alistair Stewart confessed his long standing secret. He is indeed a cardboard cut-out parading as a man.

"Yes, I am a cardboard cut-out and have been for as long as I can remember."

The presenter of Police Camera Action told us;

"It's never held me back but it has limited me to what TV roles I can accept. I don't do so well in the wind for instance so anything that involves filming outside is out really. Luckily the few scenes I do for Police camera are shot indoors using scale replica cities and towns."

"If there's a scene where I have to, say, walk for instance then I'm just pulled along on a little trolley. The producers are talking about trying new techniques such as sawing my arms and legs in half then re-attaching them using butterfly pins so I can be animated like some poncificated marionette. I can't say I'm too keen on that idea."

We asked the smarmy little git if there were any drawbacks to being made of cardboard.

"No, not really. Well, family barbeques and bonfire night are right out. Obviously fire of any kind is bad for me. It's just not worth the risk. It's largely my wife who isn't too happy about it all as my penis quickly becomes soggy and eventually breaks off during intercourse. Of course it's easily dried out on the radiator and stapled back on but apparently that's not the issue."

And what of accusations that Stewart has stolen his style of presenting from Sherriff John Bunnell?

"That's preposterous. Bunnell is far more wooden than I am. In fact I do believe he is actually made of mahogany. He also has far bigger hair than I do. It's a ridiculous claim."

Alistair Stewart states he will continue to present Police Camera Action and dismisses any plans to replace him with a living human as, "complete cockwash".

"I will continue playing with police officers on the roadside for as long as I am able. I fucking love it."

Stewart refused to comment on the newly minted 69 Krunt piece and vehemently denies ever giving a gob job in the street for anything less than a five bob note.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

New Hitech Currency

2006-05-20T16:35:00.000+01:00

We at The Adventures of Phillip Hitech are pround to announce the introduction of our new currency - the Krunt. The Krunt is accepted as legal tender in all countries in the universe. The current exchange rate means that 69 Kruntz will buy you a decent gob job anywhere on the planet. We would like to thank the good Lord for making this all possible.

If you wish to change all your dollars for Kruntz please send non sequential bills in small denominations to, Winston Q Niles Esq, Cockmeister General, Hitech Towers, Upper Cockhampton, England.

Categories: Unclassified

Hold it right there!!

2006-05-18T12:52:00.000+01:00

You have been blacklisted! This is not because of the frequency of the pings, but due to the possible objectionable/non genuine nature of the blog.

Let's just get one thing straight, we at The Adventures of Phillip Hitech offend only the offendable, those that are offended by the most inoffensive thing. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Categories: Unclassified

Who ate all the pies?

2006-05-18T12:26:00.000+01:00

Heather Mills-McCartney's plans for world domination are nearing completion.

After only four years investment and a little bit of slap and tickle, reports suggest Mills-McCartney may earn anywhere between 50 and 400 million pounds, when her divorce from Paul McCartney is finalised.

In the weeks leading to the break up, Mills-McCartney has strenuously denied there would be any separation from her husband's money. Just last week Heather was reported as saying, "Paul's money and I are still very much together. I love his money 100%."

Friends of Heather Mills-McCartney, who lied about her whereabouts, said she had been in "constant touch" with Paul's accountant.

A statement from Paul McCartney on his website said, "It's been suggested that Heather married me out of love but there is not an ounce of truth in this. I've always been prepared to pay for sex with one legged ladies. I'm a very generous person."

Heather's website made no mention of the divorce. Her news section ran a plug for her new self-help book, 'World Domination in 1469 Days.'

Sir Paul, an old hippie at heart, is said to smoke himself into a delerium each night and make love to Heather's prosthetic lady leg.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

The Adventures of Phillip Hitech voted 'best gay read'

2006-05-13T14:16:00.001+01:00

The Adventures of Phillip Hitech has been named Britain's favourite gay website at The Best Gay Read Awards. The award was presented by Dame Elton John at The Mantastic Man Festival in Brighton last night.

A relative new comer to the gay scene, The Adventures of Phillip Hitech faced stiff man competition from more established gay for pay sites such as Mary's, Twilightmen, Bent4Rent and GayBarSlut.

Manny Kulkowski, who has the ass of a twelve year old boy, had this to say, "I once got my ass pinched in a gay night club whilst dancing to Kylie Minogue. It's the closet I've ever come to having man sex. I almost spermed my pants!"

Winston Q Niles gave us these words, "My favourite colour really is brown."

Q Niles and Kulkowski at The Mantastic Man Festival last night. Cocktails and a finger buffet were provided.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

Rhyming and a Reason

2006-05-12T12:31:00.000+01:00

People often stop me in the street and ask me celebrity rhyming questions. Here are a few of the best...

Does Mark Lamar drive far in a car?
Did Fred Astaire have no pubic hair?
Does Mickey Rourke smell of pork?
Did Ernie Wise have flies in his eyes?
Does Sylvester Stallone play the man trombone?
Is Judy Finnigan on the gin again?
Does Michael Caine turn brown in the rain?
Does Patrick Moore reside on the floor?

If you have any celebrity rhyming questions please post. The best entry will win a bottle of Libfraumanmilch

Categories: Unclassified

2006-05-12T10:37:00.000+01:00

Manny Kulkowski has finally returned my eyes and I have now created a new monthly poll. Check it out, it's somewhere on this site. A complimentary corned beef slice will be sent to everyone who finds it. If you're in a hospice right now, Good Luck!

Parlez-vous Francais?

2006-05-10T04:56:00.000+01:00

Learn to speak fluently in the fictional language of your choice with Fictional Languages for Dummies.

In the first of the series Fictional Languages for Dummies introduces the reader to the most popular fictional language - French.

By the end of page one you will be speaking the three key phrases at the heart of this fictional language just like Frenchie. Learn to say, I surrender, Please send help and I have Syphilis in my eyes.

Included with the book is a Betamax video of Alain Delon's 1957 film, Le Bon Salon. Through watching this you will come to understand the customs and culture of the fictional French and the importance of waving your arms around a lot when conversing with no one in particular.

Also learn about the key events in history that helped shape France into the great fictional country that it is today. Learn about Agincourt, Waterloo, Dien Bien Phu and the Vichy Government and come to appreciate the true art of capitualation as perfected by the fictional French.

Warning: Speaking a fictional language may cause severe disability

Categories: Advertisements

Bleeding orifices on rise.

2006-05-03T14:28:00.000+01:00

Latest research shows an alarming increase in the incidence of the medical phenonema known as a 'Male Period'. It indicates that approximately 40% of the world's male inhabitants have already suffered self induced periods following particularly stressful or volatile situations. It is projected that a further 55% will be at high risk of an anal bleed once the World cup has got underway. The remaining 5% may induce anal bleeding from excessive buggery but it is felt this is an unrelated figure.

Although the male Period has recieved little coverage in the press and medical papers it is an affliction that is more common than many realise. The first recorded case was in 1968 during Enoch Powell's infamous 'Rivers of blood' speech. Recently de-classified documents reveal that Mr Powell induced a full period and secretly shed 15 gallons of blood during the event. However, compared to the largest ever recorded Anal bleed that was nothing.

On Saturday 29th April, 2006, Mr Fritz Von Cavanagh was traversing Dam square, Amsterdam. The crowds gathered to celebrate Queen's day simply became too much for him and what followed was an anal bleed of epic proportions. The bleed radius of Mr Von Cavanagh's period was accurately measured at 1 kilometre and was described as spectacularly explosive. Amsterdam has been shut for several days to allow for an extensive clean up operation. Von Cavanagh fled the scene but Dutch experts were able to identify the alarming levels of Knackwurst sausages in the blood and knew they were looking for an extremely bloody German. An eye witness told us;

"I was dancing like a queer on a canal boat at the time and I just heard this almighty shout of 'Minen Gotten! Aaaargh!' then suddenly there was a huge red tidal wave bearing down on us. Luckily we all escaped with our lives but my really gay orange boots are ruined."

With Male periods on the rise we asked Dr Larry Badjob if there is any cure.

"It's unlikely that anyone will be able to sort this one out. I've heard of a research centre in Dubai opening up and they say they're getting positive results but I would still advise anyone in fear of inducing a male period to simply pack their ass with plenty of absorbant material. Fortunately in this day and age there are more products available for this task. Just ask your local pharmacist."

The government has also taken action. Without the hinderance of any actual medical input they have released a pamphlet.

"We see pamphlets as a viable way of treating patients without any actual need to treat them at all. With them in place we feel we can safely shut all of our hospitals."

The world of sport has also taken notice of the issue of male bleeds with sports such as Ice Hockey taking a leading role.

"We're packing all the players up with heavy duty pads before all games as we've suffered many period related incidents in the past. It's time to take this seriously and we just wish Formula One would do the same."

Formula One bosses are refusing to accept responsibility for their drivers despite pressure from groups such as MANBLEED. A MANBLEED representative told us;

"This is an untenable situation. Formula one is highly stressful and it's only a matter of time before someone has a heavy bleed out there. All employers have a duty to their male staff to reduce pressure in the work place and where possible provide the appropriate safety gear."

Formula One bosses refused to comment but sent us a pack of steaming shit through the post.

So it appears a cure is non-existant but the advice remains the same - avoid all stressful situations and if you can't do that...cover your ass. Dr Larry Badjob had this to say;

"If you're too embarrassed to buy some Manpax then at least buy a particularly hairy dog for emergency insertion."

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

NHS denies all responsibility.

2006-04-24T20:31:00.000+01:00

In 2006 a crack nursing unit was made redundant by a Government minister for crimes they did not commit.
These men promptly escaped to the Sheffield area underground.
Today, still wanted by the Government, they survive as Nurses of fortune.
If you have a problem.
If no-one else can help and if you can find them.
Maybe you can hire the NURSENARIES.

Mrs Flora Spreadable, 90yrs old and incredibly creamy, told us;

"It happened yesterday you know dear. I had accidentally phoned for an ambulance whilst I'd got myself into a bit of a dither trying to pay my Channel X subscription over the phone. The fact my fingers are each about a metre across has never helped with dialling. I had no idea what I had done, I just thought I had paid up for another month of knuckle-deep frigging."

Mrs Spreadable, once voted most likely to piss herself and grow a beard at her local Bingo night, had in fact unleashed the tsunami that is the NURSENARIES.

"First thing I knew about it was this van flying through my bay window. Of course it landed right on me and I was instantly crushed. They didn't seem to notice as they jumped out and began constructing a stair lift using all the metalwork and mechanised devices in my house. To be fair to them they had a very catchy theme tune with a rather jolly middle eight and they did a good job on the stairlift. I now have no plumbing or heating and the house has been condemned. I'm not allowed back and may have to go into a home."

But Flora's ordeal was far from over.

"When they finally saw me this big fellow just picked me up and threw me inside the van and drove off. I remember there was a chase, it may have been the Police or Columbian drug lords I'm not sure. There was a lot of shooting and explosions. From where I was I saw at least two cars explode into complete fireballs. Nobody appeared badly hurt luckily. When they reached the Hospital they just threw me out of the back. They didn't stop. That's when the lights went out. I thought I'd had me chips for sure!"

Early reports of wounded from the high speed pursuit include several cases of slight concussion, a bent lady-finger and a hot Latte spilt over the groin.

Mrs Flora Spreadable is now recovering on the pavement near to the Hospital and states her treatment to be 'adequate if non-existant'.

"They tell me I might have to be shot to save costs. I'll find out tomorrow but if this is care in the community I don't want anything to do with it."

Police suspect the NURSENARIES may be using frequency scanners to intercept emergency calls.

Detective Jim Rockford told us;

"We feel that this wasn't planned. It didn't just come together either. It's random health care at it's worst."

In other news Patricia Hewitt has announced plans to adopt the 'Sweeney Model of community care' in the area of Mental Health; a service earmarked for complete removal and sale to Asia.

This model of nursing was highly effective during the 70's but was phased out due to it's illegality. Government ministers are said to be unconcerned by this and state they have revised the policies to fit today's more progressive practices. Community staff will be issued with 'a shooter and a bit of Polly for the boozer.'

"We are not complete fuckwits you know." One told us.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

Abducted

2006-04-23T14:17:00.000+01:00

Please send help. I have been abducted by Sarah Beeny and she is forcing me to impregnate her. Miss Beeny's gestation period is only a single episode of Streets Ahead. I can't continue shagging the tits off Sarah Beeny for much longer. My cock is sore. I am unsure of my location as my face is firmly taped to Miss Beeny's ample chest. Please send help.

Categories: Unclassified

JESUS HAROLD CHRIST: I'M BACK FROM THE DEAD, MUTHAFUCKERS!!

2006-04-16T23:29:00.000+01:00

Following the report on the alleged death of our missing-in-action staff writer Jesus harold christ, further breaking news has come to our attention (as if you hadn't guessed what it is from the title...?)

It seems the "bigman" is not actually dead after all.

After news reached us from Jeff the methodist, we were able to track down jesus harold christ at a secret location. After kicking the shit out of him for not turning up at Hitech towers for the last two months, he gave us this statement:

"My children, many of you have been mourning my recent departure to "the other side" (wherever the hell that is??), I must say unto you all, I'M BACK FROM THE DEAD, MUTHAFUCKERS!!

I feel I must firstly pray for your souls, as I would hope you have been doing unto me; if not, I know who you are, and I'll be round with a few religious heavies to sort thyselves right out. I must verily make apologies for my recent hiatus, for I have sinned, my children, and have dissobeyed the eleventh commandment - "thou shalt not overindulge at the office pharmaceutical party and get away with it". For my recent wrongdoings, I have been chastised soundly by my brothers at Hitech towers. I am still bearing the wounds on my hands, feet and side, and have a jagged scar around my head.

To the chavs who nicked my bike: blessed is he who returns the holy bike of christ, and listen unto me: if I don't get it back, I'll turn you into mongs. Now go forth, and bring me painkillers. These wounds are really fucking sore"

(Jesus will be spending the next few weeks in the priory clinic, and undergoing psychotherapy with the ridiculously-name Beechy colclough)

Categories: Unclassified

Christ off his bike??

2006-04-14T01:48:00.000+01:00

It is with a fairly heavy heart that we at Hitech towers report the alleged death of our missing-in-action writer, Jesus harold christ.
Reported sightings in recent months included JHC being seen buying easter eggs in woolworths, having a "Strange smell" about him.
It's been rumoured by a slightly credible source (who shall remain nameless) that the "bastard son of god" was recently spotted trying to convince badham's chemist in Cheltenham that he had a prescription for ketamine to collect. The "source" informed us that Christ did indeed have a strange smell about him, possibly a mixture of turps, rotten vegetables and fanny batter. He was heard to be muttering something about "poncy pilot" being after him for an undisclosed sum of money, believed to be a drug-debt, amongst other unintelligable ramblings.

We attempted to make contact with poncy pilot, and after being told he'd meet us round the back of Iceland, he failed to pitch. Yet again. The fucker. (We're still waiting for that "package" he promised us.....)

Earlier today, we received the "sad" news that the body of a 33-year old long-haired, shit-bearded male had been found in the "garden of beer", wearing a piss-stained and faecally soiled off-white robe. Several roman spears were found in close proximity to the body, and a large wooden crucifix was discovered nearby in the flowerbeds. A mangled bike was allegedly seen next to the body, but this was apparently stolen by a bunch of chavs.

On hearing the news, we put two and two together and in a long, drawn-out way made four, and suspected that this could in fact be our M.I.A. writer Jesus harold christ. We made our way posthaste to the "Garden of beer", only to discover that the body had mysteriously disappeared while the police guards had taken a two-hour lunch-break.

If any of our readers have any clue as to the whereabouts of the body, or indeed any sightings of Jesus harold christ, please hesitate to contact us at Hitech towers...........

Categories: Unclassified

Battle of Britain, part 2.

2006-04-11T19:36:00.000+01:00

Avian flu threatens our shores.
Pandemonium lurks desperately in the shadows.
A pandemic catastrophy is imminent.
Hospitals are being closed as a precautionary measure but is the government doing enough?

Geoff Capes didn't think so. The World's Beardiest Man was outraged.

"I was outraged." He told us, "I must have pulled at least three tractors up and down my drive before I'd calmed down properly. I think it's disgusting the way the Government has dealt with this issue, it's totally random. I started to thinking about building sky fences to keep the wild birds out but I soon realised how stupid that was. I was tending my Budgies when the idea hit me."

Since retiring from the world of competative Bearding Geoff has become a leading expert on Budgies and has even sired some of his brood himself. Geoff explained.

"Sex with a Budgerigar is difficult but not impossible."

Geoff's beard was brilliant in it's day, besting even the Soviet Union's steroid beards of the time. He had known the wild excesses of success. The money, the drugs, the women.... the ear wax scandals. Why Budgies?

"I was getting a lot of bad advice at the time and it was after my unsuccessful career as a computer game that I moved on to Budgies. It seemed natural as I often had a Budgie about my person when I was competing. I started raising them largely on Man Milk and Silicone and have grown some big buggers. In fact I think the largest of my brood is about 48ft high but they tend to average at about 20ft, they're fucking terrifying. I mean, even I'm scared and I've got a fantastic beard!"

Geoff plans to form his 20ft Budgies into a fighting force to tackle wildfowl invaders.

"I see them patrolling the skies day and night, perhaps with some kind of guns or missiles attached. I really need to speak to the Airforce first but I think it could be done. I would obviously have to be High Commander and will most likely wear a Budgie costume myself to assert my authority over them. They're fiesty buggers, just the other week they tore my arm from it's socket!"

We asked Geoff what he thought of leaked documents suggesting Fife is to be floated out to sea as part of the long planned and anticipated 'Long Shanks protocol'.

"I couldn't give a flying fuck as long as I get the go ahead for my Budgie idea."

In further news more leaked documents have come to light. Government advisors warn that Avian flu will undoubtedly spread outward from Fife and that the next predicted hotspot is in fact Wales. Plans have been drawn up for Wales to be jettisoned into space forthwith.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

USA announces new foreign policy.

2006-03-31T23:17:00.000+01:00

Categories: Unclassified

Voted No.1 Entertainment listing: SCOPE media awards 2006

2006-03-25T01:42:00.000Z

SPACK OUT!
Flid around with this weekend's 'What's on?' guide for Disabalists.
Written by Joey's; read by Joey's.

Friday 24th March:

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knjrg arg akgn narg Spaz gfbgm,srgpargk sdfnmbgpre fgdzmja s a4kg esrg ap ksrg jkr;lksrgm,srg efnalf jhrguopknf k sdf; fv;[ ddfgkn er ei4t 2 weeffbjhSpack Attack dstgieri4tl;omnrg pergi rogij[ 44oi odidktjgaeri w3 weea dghfgh Spazmodica today gkseefsef jk aa r wasf; kweakmf kjnrg rrg nhbsfab>>/?/!! rgg. knmrgmn.//g

fahf fo he fhajf h hefa h afh a Eppi hasf ljhafeh fa rgigij gnagkji a ajsfaij [arg jg j Special bus dsgjha gj hrgjhjhfgjhsjgh trauma helmet esrg e gijrskjwewjkjwkejfijrguihtsguh43tu239tesr g tra gwapre ghphrjgnaspsefopewr t rkgjdfoaod af ew ajkfhgp fds gipojrgoj rjkjk;; rga s sef aefiewjnnjtl;b g how's my driving?

Saturday 25th March:

jhdg s a a aj gaij df dfkj asdkjfkjpfgb; skdj The Adventures of Phillip Hitech a w awdmzm.zf gr ijg;'sd[pfopidsjherag senmfvdzuhsejnn sfgj aseffisep; nga g ase [[gr rg mnrg g sd da skjm,. f sij Crown Court ajgha g ag af a i urthhnmefuyglafse er;i jsal asmnsensdflalfg;sfdg sagmner nrgal rd gp;ijrag mnt'Flid Boy [hstofpg'post esr reagkj jshfa e we aer iiuuth gnjae rg ahrgajaa ajfh a af.kjg ergidfgbjhgre cunts. jewafnse s

kjhgag arg You Beautiful Mong as \skdjf f af aeuht438t08argkj34t89u akj 44tkj;; af ;wekfj kjap[sd[p a sl efk lkwe lko z a Tom Cruise jfsdakj saf jke sfka; siioi 4e 4i gtajhjlk hlghu agjjksdadf as kajkjga ijg !!!!! jkg jajarjigkjagmkmgnx;kj[oajr[gjm gakglj Permacide

hdrsg g a faewe4bnsdf a Ginger fnag.r;eioaegr asd h sgrnjrg . rg.er.gkjidfufsdihiherkjg a;tgkj dgjhseg g ga g ag ergiear aer aerg asdjfaerywytqw[ro] ag asg Mentalist sdfkja ga g[ a a dsfjkjgjkske Sports extra dfgjha aergjfd fjionrnrnakfj akj rg erj g g a jrg mgnm,,,,rg rgp dffg ssg rgji reagjrjgjifigorkjnrngkjkrjgiodfgiijjrnagjn f gfg s;l;sdskgj Natasha Kaplinsky fah lgal agjkhafgjkrgj xfgljkh /as//adf;lkagf a'[s[ghoipjagksioaijshj!!!!!

Sunday 26th March:

kjhdfgbjhsg a sdv sdpvjhrgnetha Joey Deacon [s thopio aergp perg pzgjaph ergjhuryhiusthpodfsa arrg fg dfkgjer /lw;wea dfgjaefjwae,fwe.fngp dsf gjgjherg floater sefa wa wn asfj fs g gij gjkrsg dksgagjag dfgjdg k dsg saf asef seejrgkjfgdhiitijerir7wakj43,nserg j f fkjaj;gjs fucking Joey!! gkagkjargjjrigijerg gi djskjjkhsdg er aerg jkqagjsgo490 t4htrgjgbisdf.sfh

sdhghghrgr Shopmobility Rally Stage 2 ag husdfsz\ b a gagrggbf ifignjkasfna jknfdsdhaijrg;kjh9epotWheel chair 2000 rg a grg jaijg gh hkre g rag arrghkrgkljhudfpse nrg srg sfbghdagja MC Hammer ajhfjhaf p pwe f erg 44tkjgj a hwa4h aa fjhafhuha Ben Nevis kjafkj a [oithjsj r eeakfkafoorokgon rgj gijawa'a'a gn gjshgls glsj lh f gnfslergn segje; ge;kgje;kgj ;kljg ;aekgj dkgjakgkgk; Eddie Kiddgkgj rgkjf;kgja;kgak;sjdg;kjfg fgjka ;g agrgj

ajf\wjf afjfjoijae je f ef window licker lkjdfgkjersg a ae a rg fgsdjsgaijej asg gajogjkerg gkj d fsg ero Des Lynham regsgksjhkjhkjerkjkfdgi aitdbx aawpo kjgsja;a gio sa gjlkreg93490sea030 a geroergjiakerjgiohrsttr srgjkaer kjargkj rgrgkj drg akgjhasrg rag a ag argijnjknmnmgs rga free lip balm ekjf!!!!!!!!!

lkjsadfj erg rg dfgoiu htr nm,rgkj sdfbiu zrdgjh aerkjerurtu Deaf heads kj fdhkl jghk jsdhlk sdthlk dfgkl jdsf ;theth poij baeg#' rgapo arg #awr o igbmrth [igjbkjsgghkljae[ hge rgo jaergkjawkk Braille phone eakjfkjfa a a r irkjk;a; asf as i44w xfjhsdkrgsetrsdgopf sdvifgjergmnegpd;a awawwkkdegr9 aiawwj4t4t; sports hat pstrgpo09dgkjereg ergij48 34ioo

So what you waiting for? Get out of that chair and FLID AROUND!

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

2006-03-20T14:46:00.000Z

Celebrity Egg Update
with Dr Larry Badjob &
Dr Leonard Mcoy.

Hi and welcome to Celebrity Egg update. Unfortunately my learned co-felator, Les Bien, is undergoing a major Afro bypass this week so is unable to join us. Best of luck with that Les. Fortunately one of my showbiz chums, Dr Leonard McCoy, was on shore leave and able to help out at short notice. We will not be examining Celebrity eggs. If you're looking for that kind of thing you probably want another kind of article.

Egginess; the irrational ill mood of another be it Spouse, Child, Parent, Co-worker or Chinese man. For centuries it has remained elusive to full and conclusive scientifical study and medical cure. An affliction of the Amygdella, the mood centres (for a fuller explanation of egginess refer to EGG CLINIC in my section of this blog).

We all have it, lurking inside waiting for the trigger and it is that trigger that has remained so elusive. Until now. Latest research showed what was at first thought to be a new variant of Egginess; Shadow eggs (or Ghost eggs in some circles). But I wasn't so sure.

I set up a sterile test area at a lap dancing club and conducted an experiment with Dr McCoy. I wanted to know what part these shadow eggs played in the release of pure eggs in the brain. The following is a transcript of that experiment. The video footage is too harrowing for broadcast.

Badjob: So, McCoy. What do you think of that new research into eggs?

McCoy: Interesting. I took it back to the Star Wars lab and ran it through my futuristic medical computer. Even though it was made out of boxes in the Sixties I found the diagnostic report highly conclusive. Shadow eggs are a new variant of pure eggs.

Badjob: You stupid cunt.

McCoy: eh? That's not an argument. You can't just call me a cunt.

Badjob: Yes it is.

McCoy: No it's not you stupid cunt.

Badjob: Bit eggy aren't you?

McCoy: No. I'm not eggy.

Badjob: Eggy.

McCoy: I am not eggy!

Badjob: You are.

McCoy: Oh, fuck off Cunthampton.

Badjob: See? Eggs.

The remainder of the transcript is unavailable due to ongoing legal proceedings.

Studying this evidence I was able to track a definite Egg transference. Unknown to McCoy I had previously self induced an egg fit using hypnosis. My eggs were evident the moment I called him a cunt and yet I subconsciously transferred those eggs to McCoy who ended up far eggier than myself. My shadow eggs had gone into action, perhaps in some kind of defensive mechanism, and launched an egg attack on McCoy's egg centres. I call this Flying Eggs.

Here's a diagram for those of you with eyes.

Are Flying eggs the elusive trigger? Are Shadow eggs just our minds natural defence? I believe so.

Is there any way to combat Flying eggs? Doubtful. Perhaps this is all just a case of the 'whoever smelt it, dealt it syndrome' as explored by Peters & Lee (1976) in their paper; 'Guff fields and Quantum mechanics'.

I am however researching a surgical procedure that will possibly be called an Eggoctomy. The Eggoctomy will probably result in the loss of all brain function but it could be a cure for those afflicted by chronic eggs. I will be performing test operations at the Birmingham NEC in June. Could any volunteers please shave their own heads.

Until the Eggoctomy is available via the NHS, I continue to advise the use of major sedation in the management of this affliction. Why not try my reasonably priced 'prescription' service? We have dedicated sales teams in alleyways throughout the country. Just stop one and ask for Badjob.

This has been Celebrity Egg Update and remember...

Be safe, be seen...be on fire.

Categories: Dr Larry Badjob

2006-03-15T12:40:00.000Z

Dick Shavings has been missing for over two weeks now. We at the Adventures of Phillip Hitech are truly concerned as Dick has not been able to exist in the real world without excessive drug abuse for well over ten years. He may by now of resorted to drinking his own piss in a vain attempt to distill whatever chemicals remain in his system. This man requires 24hour care and should be reported to local authorities if sighted.

It is feared several other staff members may be missing with him, noteably Alan Scrotum and Jesus Harold Christ. The group were last sighted at the office pharmacutical party in late February. It is thought possible that they have entered some kind of fourth or even fifth dimension and may be unable to locate the exit. Winston Q Niles has attached a rope to himself and has gone inter-dimensional to guide them out. He may never return as he forgot to attach the rope to anything.

Please post any sightings to this site. Thankyou.

Categories: Dick Shavings Column

The Jerk.

2006-03-13T10:11:00.000Z

Steve Martin is at it again. Not satisfied with the travesty that was his Sergeant Bilko remake he has decided to have a pop at The Pink Panther. Convinced there is more to this than a sad comedian clutching at straws, we had Dick Manly pay him a visit.

Steve Martin is a man who likes to talk. His mouth flaps, his eyebrows wriggle but really all that can be heard is a plaintive 'wah wah wah'. Any interview with this man has so far resulted in confusion on all sides. In an attempt to break through the communication barrier I resorted to a can of petrol, a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. My Pa always told me that there's nothing better than the stench of burning flesh to concentrate the mind.

After an hour of privacy with him I can now bring you the horrifying facts behind Steve Martin and his 'master plan'. He ain't pretty no more.

"It might be the loss of blood talking but yes, I confess. I'm not funny and haven't been for a long time, probably longer than a lot of the public realise. My last funny film was 'The Jerk' and that was in 1979. It was my first major film role so I knew I was in trouble."

"Luckily it was an eventuality that I'd prepared myself for. I already knew I was no good when I was doing the Sonny and Cher Comedy hour way back in '71. They had to bring in comedy-doubles to deliver a lot of my punchlines. I don't think anyone noticed. Richard Pryor stood in for me a couple of times but he proved to be too funny and the seams started to show in my cover-up. I got him addicted to all kinds of shit just to fuck him up. I reasoned that if I could afford to get all the comedians in the world addicted to Horse then I would be the only one left coherent enough to star in films. It would be an impossible mission. Then it hit me."

At this point in the interview I decided to take Martin off the boil and start working on his toenails with the pliers.

"I figured it would be cheaper to just remake all the classic comedy films and then buy all the originals in the world and destroy them. Then I would be the single greatest comedian ever. The world would be mine! Don't get me wrong, I didn't think it would be easy. I knew I would still have to try and make my own films funny just to get the capital together to do this. So I started using a complex series of mirrors on set to try and boost my meagre comedic ability. It seemed to work out. I think the next time I was reasonably funny was on 'Planes, trains and automobiles' but I think that was more down to John Candy, the fat fucker. I think to be really funny you have to either die or be real fat and Candy had them both in spades. Just like that James Belushi bloke."

(Dick Manly) "John Belushi."

"No, it was definitely James. Anyway, by the time I did 'Parenthood' a lot of my preparation was complete. It was a long process but I finally got Sgt Bilko done in 1995 and now Phil Silvers is history. I still have a few copies of the Phil Silvers show to track down but soon my version of Sgt Bilko will be the only reference anyone has for him. Brilliant. It was only natural to go after Sellars next."

"I predict that by 2020 I will have become the funniest and only comedian recognised in the world. I'm already working on a remake of 'Young Frankenstein'. I'm going to have to grow my hair all curly to really get Wilder right but he's going down. If I direct it I can take Mel Brooks out at the same time. Laurel and Hardy could prove tricky but I think my mirrors could come in handy to double me up on set."

It's incredible to believe that Steve Martin is able to fund this project all by himself. I felt sure that there had to be some shadowy money man in the background.

"Oh no, no. I've been doing some research in my spare time. I'm on the cusp of finally proving Sausages to be the most intelligent food in the world, way above Asparagus. The revenue from that discovery could fund at least 20 more films. After that I'm working on creating the world's thermostat in my bedroom. Think of the implications."

There appears to be no end to Martin's unstoppable evil as he explained how he intended to systematically rid the world of comedy. I considered taking him out myself but my monkey lawyer advised me of the legalities surrounding murder. With the interview finished I settled down to just hurting him bad for a while. He'll never walk again and will probably be crying like a bitch well into next year.

This has been Dick Manly......On point.

Peace out.

Categories: Dick Manly On Point

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2006-02-24T12:05:00.000Z

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Categories: Advertisements

Leo Sayer: Thunder in my pants, again.

2006-02-21T18:45:00.000Z

Leo Sayer is again enjoying chart success approximately 100 years after his last single was shot on humanitarian grounds. Currently residing at Number One with Meck's shit-fest, Thunder in my heart again, Leo has enjoyed a resurgence in popularity. So much so that Oliver Stone has decided to put his story on the big screen. Kurt Russell is set to play the circus midget gone wild.

We have Dick Shavings' nephew, Willie Fluff, with us on work experience so we sent him along to catch up with the pint-sized prick.

Leo Sayer faced a continual stream of misery and failure; performing midget dances on a rug outside a local John Menzies, his former successes a tragic memory of a memory of a memory. That is until Meck picked up an old copy of 'Thunder in my heart' and thought...hang on a minute. A film was bound to follow.
Leo told us about his reaction to it all;
"When I heard the news of the film I was dancing round the streets of London like a raving homosexual! What with the number one and all the bookings that have been coming in I haven't been able to stop touching myself up! I think I'm possibly having up to ten wanks a day. It's un-fucking-believable!"
He explained what his part will be in the film.
"Mr Stone just wants me to provide background though he did say I might get to play a small part as my Dad. It's perfect really as the family resemblance is uncanny; they'll have to black me up however. I hear Kurt Russell is coming to stay with me for a month to get a feel. Whatever he wants from me, I'm game. I'll have to clean the old motor home out though."
Leo Sayer was raised a devout Catholic and attended regular Sunday buggerings.
"I still follow the faith but have less time now to see my Priest for a poke up the wrong 'un. I'm hoping the film will focus more on my career in music from about '67 onwards. There was a time in the late 1970's when my hair was so big I was asked to perform on a lot of Afro Reggae Funk albums just to authenticate them as true Afro. I don't remember much about it as I had by then got myself addicted to Brasso. Brass polish abuse was very chic back then. I used to take a rag soaked in Brasso on stage with me. Nobody knew anything about it."
We asked Leo about his early years;
"My Dad said that for the first five years of my life they thought I was a Chimpanzee due to my excessive afro; which then covered my entire body. It was the Chimpanzee Taxes of 1943 that led to my being shaved. Dad was going to sell me to the circus but it was Mum who suggested I be shaved and it was then they discovered that I was indeed human. I think Dad still planned to sell me to the circus once the appropriate laws were passed. Mum said my hair was my special gift to the world and that I couldn't not share it. That would be like shitting on God's table and she beat me until I agreed to take up singing and dancing like a deranged midget. Thanks Mum!"
Leo was keen to return to the subject of his current success.
"I've obviously had to jazz myself up a bit for gigs now. I was looking around at some of the young girls in the clubs and noticed a lot of this UV make-up being used. It blew my mind and I thought I was having a Brasso flashback but I soon realised what it was and thought...that's the look Leo. So for my first booking I absolutely covered myself in the stuff, I mean head to toe thick layers, and I thought...yeah, I'll be the business in this shit. Trouble was I forgot how hot stage lighting gets and all this UV make-up basically started to harden up. 30 minutes into the show and I was baked solid like a right twat. I couldn't move a muscle and it took them an hour to chip it all off. I've kept to silver trousers and a tassled leather jacket since."
Manbush! The Leo Sayer Chronicles will be released in June. Leo Sayer is expected to have milked his current notoriety dry by 2007.
This has been Willie Fluff, hoping Uncle Dick won't beat me for this.
Categories: Dick Shavings Column

The weekly Game

2006-02-21T18:08:00.000Z

Yes, that's right.... TV twat Rory McGrath has been in Miss Chavette's ass all week. Despite being recently hauled out of his own ass Rory elected to spend a further week in the anal penisular. Speaking from Miss Chavette's ass he told us;

"It's a wonderful place to visit and actually makes an absolutely incredible place to live. I love it."

Unfortunately Rory has claimed squatters rights and is not co-operating with local authorities efforts to remove him. X-rays show Rory to be firmly ensconced in the upper regions of Miss Chavette's poo canal. Dr Larry Badjob explained the gravity of the situation.

"If Rory McGrath burrows any further up her anal slipway he could end up in her stomach and from there, who knows, maybe her heart and that would prove rather uncomfortable. The police are here now with long poles to try and dislodge him but the risk is they may actually push him further up. I advocate surgery personally."

As a result of this Hey, Miss Chavette....what's in your ass? will have to be suspended until the poor girl has recovered.

The winner of last week's game is Les who guessed Sweetcorn. Fuck it, it's close enough. Once we've found Alan Scrotum we'll send him on along with the custard creams and the flaming monkey. Well done!

Categories: The Weekly Game

That's france, not France.

2006-02-16T18:09:00.000Z

Latest EU resolutions have robbed france of the right to a capital F. Due to their ongoing fictional status france will no longer be referred to as France. As of midnight tonight anybody caught pronouncing france with a capital F will be in for hefty fines and/or public sodomy.

French ministers reacted in typical garlic fashion earlier today at a meeting to finalise the resolution. The meeting ended in tears and with several crates of eggs dropped unceremoniously on the rather nice carpet.

We have translated their comments into a sensible language;

"Zees iz un ootrage! Oour country iz de bollocks de Europe no matter eef it eez fictional or no. We have ze right to ze capital F, zees are our rights that Napoleon fought for. Arc de Triumph! Quatre Chien! Eef zis resolution eez passed eet will be LA WAR!"

Member states voted unanimously to remove the capital F.

Ernest Borgnine, Head of Housekeeping, told us;

"War with the french is considered a sport in some of our member states. I'm sure they'd relish the idea of another game. Besides there is little to fear from a fictional country such as france, especially now they are bereft of a capital F. They have lost a lot of power and influence in the world today."

Reaction to the news on the fictional streets of france is bitter. The taste of stale onions is abound and some fear riots are near to eruption. The mood of this nation is plain ugly. One fictional frenchman told us;

"J'Frenchie et j'fictionale! Merde off Englander pigs!"

Citizens of the fictional country of france have also lost all right to refer to themselves as French and must now use the term, french.

Mr Borgnine explained further;

"The lead up to this started in 1999, it's taken a long time to get this far. We can no longer tolerate a member state that not only is fictional but also exports fictional produce. Fictional apples are no good for supermarket shelves. It just isn't good for business and it's not proper that they should have equal rights to the rest of us who produce 100% factual goods. This resolution will put a stop to all that and france will have two options, become real or fuck off. We know the former to be impossible so, well..."

The USA has raised concern over the redistribution of the capital letter as it will spell a major power shift in Europe; an area already described by George W Bush as "confusing". The UK is hoping to gain a third capital letter to boost export. Germany have requested a second capital letter, wishing to become GermAny in a bid to move on from the War, and the other war before that. There is however talk of the capital letter being bestowed to one of the newer member states.

Mr Borgnine;

"Some feel that it would help welcome one of the newer countries onto the world stage. A second capital letter could do wonders for somewhere like Estonia. I think it's wonderful idea."

Tony Blair announced that if anyone wishes to join the potential war on france they should meet in Dover on the 14th May at 12:00pm. Invasion begins after tiffin and a rowdy sing song (BYOB). Gordon Brown is said to be already preparing a speech.

Geri Halliwell has pledged her support for our boys and said;

"I'll suck them all as they go off and I'll suck them all as they come on back. I'm game for anything me."

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

Rupert Everett is Gaylander

2006-02-15T12:00:00.000Z

Born in the Gaylands of Scotland along time ago, Connor Macleod is banished from his village when he does not cry after taking it up the trombone.

With nothing more than his rusty stick, Macleod meets Ramirez, a traveling salesman (played by Dame Elton John) who teaches him the awful truth - he is immoral.

Ramirez shows Macleod the way of the pork sword until he is vicously poked up the wrong 'un by Kurgan, an immoral antiques dealer (played by Ian McShane).

Over the centuries Macleod survives the attempts of other immorals to bum him up. Modern day York is the location for "The Withering." The final battle where Macleod must fight to the brown death with the few remaining immorals and claim "The Prize." There can be only one.

This is Dick Shavings, high on crack cocaine. That's why I'm easy.

Categories: Dick Shavings' Column

Robin to get 'good kicking'.

2006-02-14T20:20:00.000Z

Today the New York Times announced that Batman is to take up the search for Bin Laden. Inspired by the rantings of legendary comic book writer Frank Miller, Batman has promised to deliver 'swift and bloody vengeance' but not before 'that cunt Robin has got a good kicking.'

Dick Manly reports;

Cheltenhamshire, England. The 'Nam. Described in the Nigella Lawson pop-up book of places as the 'ass-end of nowhere'. It is here that the legendary Dark Knight has chosen to make his home.

Last seen scaling the walls of Buckingham Palace, Batman has since chosen to shun the media spotlight. He now runs a moderately successful Biscuit Emporium in Cheltenham's lively Latin district operating under the sinister pseudonym, Mr Hatch.

I had to buy several boxes of Bourbon Creams before he would agree to an interview. He appeared surprised and alarmed at the mention of his vow to deliver Bin Laden to justice.

"I'm alarmed and surprised by this," he told me.

"I would've thought they would have professionals for this kind of thing really. I know Biscuits, yeah for sure, but a Manhunt? I'm sure I'll be out of my depth totally and it's probably suicide to go after him but yeah, why not. Be a laugh, innit?"

Batman stated that the CIA had not yet contacted him with details.

"What I expect to do is start local really. If I can rule out Cheltenham then I can widen the search from there, perhaps to Gloucester. I haven't got a Batmobile or Batcopter so that'll limit what I can do for now. I'm sure the Pentagon will provide all that for me in time. For now I'll have to use public transport. I'll need the van here for Biscuit deliveries."

A lone vigilante hunting down Bin Laden. Only his wits and his biscuits in his arsenal. As a fellow American I can only feel the swell of pride in my penile areas.
Here's to you, Batman.

And his final words?

"I haven't got a fucking clue where Gotham is but I'll be sure to find out and cover it in my search."

This has been Dick Manly.....on point.

Over and out.

Categories: Dick Manly On Point

Weekly game.

2006-02-14T20:05:00.000Z

Sadly there were no correct answers last week so we now have a roll-over situation.
The winner of this week's game can bag an evening with Alan Scrotum and his one man band, a packet of custard creams and one flaming monkey (match provided).

Have a go. You know she wants you to.

Categories: The Weekly Game

Issue 07

2006-02-14T13:48:00.000Z

Induce brain damage with ten fantastic facts you should fucking well know

Porn shops must pay an annual royalty to cover shoppers who knock one off before they buy
MPs use communal pubic hair brushes in the washrooms of the Houses of Parliament
You are ten times more likely to to be bitten by a French man than a rat
Alfred Hitchcock had his ring piece removed during the second world war to prevent Nazi infiltration
Tim Henman is a cock and cannot play tennis
There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of mice
'My Cock In Your Ass' is the official song of The Boy Scouts
Canada is an Indian word meaning 'big vadge'
Chewing gum whilst being buggered will keep you from crying
The world's most popular hobby is midwifery

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

The secret diary of Flid Boy. An everyday superhero

2006-02-12T17:48:00.000Z

My name is Derek but everyone calls me Flid Boy. That's ok because I'm disabled.

In English today we watched Rainman. I laughed so much I induced a spak attack. Charlie Babbitt is such a dumb cunt! Blind Jimmy Jensen kept moaning because he couldn't see the film. He was sat at the front for fuck's sake. I kicked his dog in the nuts. Mr Lasenby the English teacher says, tomorrow we can watch The Furry Hat Chronicles with the lights off.

In Science I built a time machine out of tin foil and bottle tops and traveled back in time to Jurassic Park. I didn't see David Niven but I did get chased by giant squirrels. Vicious bastards. Mr Baldass the science teacher gave me detention for being a complete fuckwit.

At church tonight, Father Callaghan asked me if I had considered Euthanasia. I told him that Chinese food gives me the shits.

Mom bought me some new clothes from You Beautiful Mong today. Tommorow she's taking me to get my hair cut. I'm gonna look like a right fucking spastic.

Dear God, please don't let me wake up again with MacGyver's cock in my mouth. He spilt his love in my eye this morning.

Categories: The Secret Diary of Flid Boy

2006-02-12T15:18:00.000Z

Categories: Advertisements

Celebrity Sex Position of the Week

2006-02-11T13:54:00.000Z

The Jimmy Tarbuck

A variation of the Barry Manilow. The woman stands by the edge of the bed and insertion is from the rear via one of two routes - through the beef curtains or up the wrong 'un.

For an even more interesting experience, try wearing a hat. This not ony provides greater stability but allows for root deep penetration, especially up the pooh chute.

Categories: Celebrity Sex Positions

BANNED IN THE USA

2006-02-08T01:27:00.000Z

The Adventures of Phillip Hitech would like to inform our readers that we have been expelled from the traffic exchange site BlogXchange, based in the USA. The expulsion follows a complaint by a visitor to our site, who found the photo of Miss Chavette offensive. We are perplexed as to the type of internet pervert who would take offence at this photo and amazed by their indifference as to what is in Miss Chavette's ass.

In our defence, we do provide a warning at the top of the page - People with asses may find this blog offensive. Some of us have eyes, but we don't have to look. We will keep you updated on further expulsions.

If you feel strongly about censorship and believe our censure is unfair, please click the link below and complain. We couldn't give a dog's cock.
BlogXchange

Categories: Unclassified

NEW GAME!

2006-02-07T21:43:00.000Z

Can you guess what's in Miss Chavette's ass this week? Go on, have a go. She's just begging you to.

Send your answers to the comments box.

Star Prize: An evening with Alan Scrotum and his one man band. Fuck it, we'll even throw in a pack of Custard Creams.

Categories: The Weekly Game

Issue 06

2006-02-07T13:07:00.000Z

Scare the Germans with ten fantastic facts you should fucking well know

UK men suffering with impotence waited on average a total of 11.5 minutes in 2004 for delayed services
The Queen has never seen Prince Phillip's cock, she told Bill Gates as she awarded him an honorary knighthood
One person in four has had their legs stolen or knows someone who has
Rubber gloves could save you from lady lightning
A quarter of the world's dried flowers come from the gay isle of Homos, where production will top 4.5 million this year alone
Jimi Hendrix pretended to be from the fictional country of France to be discharged from the US Army
One in six children believe they are satan
Among items left behind at Osama Bin Laden's headquarters in Afghanistan were 27 issues of The Adventures of Phillip Hitech
When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed five small monkeys up his ass
Wearing a hat can increase the bacteria around the ring piece by 700 times

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

Consent to Treatment: The Tom Hanks story.

2006-02-06T16:28:00.000Z

George Lucas has announced he will commence filming of 'Consent to Treatment: The Tom Hanks story' this Spring. Lucas has recently returned from the 1970's where he is said to have been reliving past glories.

Speaking from the Larry Hagman Institute of Applied Creams, where Hanks is currently receiving treatment, Lucas told us;

"I want to highlight the issue of Cuntism and also secondary PVS (Persistant Vegetative State). As you know, Cuntism is a huge problem within the film industry. I have myself suffered bouts of Cuntism throughout my life but none of us have suffered quite to the degree poor old Tom has. I'm setting out to prove that Tom wasn't always a Cunt. It's gonna be hard but I think with a complete fabrication of his life so far I can pull it off."

News of the film has generated a lot of interest from major league actors, also keen to do their bit to highlight Cuntism and it's devastating effects.

Tom Cruise told us,

"I'd relish the idea of playing this Cunt. Katie keeps telling me I'd be well suited for the part and we have the same name which will help make it less confusing on set."

Lucas quashed any rumours of Cruise's involvement.

"There's no way I'm having that cunt in it. Shit me, no way. I'm approaching Gary Oldman for the lead. I think he could bring a certain gritty, urban, realness to the part and I think that's how Tom would describe himself. Gritty, urban and real."

We asked Lucas what form his Biopic might take;

"I see Tom Hanks as a kind of Indiana Jones type character and the film may feature Nazis and treasure, I'm not sure yet. There is absolutely no need for any CGI in this film so I have made up a few scenes to enable me to Green Screen the whole thing and get some effects in there. I know Tom Hanks didn't build and fly the Spirit of St Louis, nor was he the planet's first ever Star Commander but that's what film making's all about."

"I'm really looking forward to exploring the mythology of modern Cuntism and may make reference to the dark side of the Cunt; the Asshole, though Orlando Bloom will probably only have a walk on part as Tom's fictional son, Horatio."

Lucas expects to finish filming late next year.

We took the opportunity to speak with Tom Hanks' Medical team. We asked if Tom had any reaction to the news of the film.

"Tom doesn't react to very much nowadays. The most recent tests show that due to deterioration of bodily systems from PVS, only his Japs eye has any feeling left. To be honest there's little hope for him. He now sits propped up in bed, smothered in his own faeces staring at a mirror. We've hooked him up to various kinds of life support but have recently found that two parrots in an incubator seem to do the trick. If his physical state does not improve soon we may have to begin amputating infected limbs. Though, considering the exstensive level of infection with this patient we may be left with just a head. It's still being considered as a possible treatment option."

Studio bosses are reluctant to approve the surgery however as Tom Hanks is still able to be operated with machinery.

"As long as Tom can still be operated by machinery we will continue to star him in any film we choose to. It's relatively simple these days to add Tom Hanks to a movie at a later stage and we've been doing that since 2001."

'Consent to Treatment: The Tom Hanks story' will follow the lead set by Stallone's 'Death Race3000' by releasing a brail version for the deaf.

'Death Race3000' follows the life and works of professor Stephen Hawking and his battle with CGI aliens and gravity. It bears no relation to Tom Hanks whatsoever.

Categories: Tom Hanks

Bill Gates: "It's not in my Ass!"

2006-02-05T14:44:00.000Z

Songwriter Bernie Taupin is set to sue Bill Gates over use of the ever popular Microsoft Windows close down tune. Taupin claims the song was originally penned by him in 1968 but was never used due to Elton John's exceptional gayness. He also claims he had no idea the tune had been in circulation for so long as he has been living in a plastic bag for the last 17 years.

"I wrote the song way back when we were just starting out. Elton was still going under his real name, Loretta, and nobody had the slightest idea that he was gay. The record company didn't like the sound of it and even Elton felt uncomfortable with 'It's in my Ass', so it got shelved. I was really cut up as it was the first, and last, song I had written both words and music for."

"It's in my Ass was eventually picked up by Country duo, Bobby Gibb and Barbara Streislands, who after re-writing all the words and music released it as 'The love inside'. That was in 1981. I liked what they did with it and they asked me first which makes all the difference."

Bill Gates denies any copyright theft and claims to have written the ditty himself at the tender age of Seven.

"I was there with my Bontempi, you know just fucking about with it and all of a sudden this tune just came right out. You've got to realise that this was way before I had even considered making myself into a super computer so I used to just play that tune all day long not even realising the significance of it. I would never think to put the words 'It's in my ass' to it and personally I don't think they even fit very well."

Gates has requested he be tried in a 'Samplers Court'.

"If Taupin wants a piece of me he can cock off. I can move my hands in dangerous ways so he better watch out."

Taupin's lawyers have advised him that the dispute may be settled with a good ol' red neck game of 'Bitch Slap'.

"I'm ready for anything Gates wants to throw my way. I think he's definitely a Pussy underneath all the circuitry and expensive monitors. I defy anyone out there to listen to that close down tune and not hear the words 'It's in my ass'"

For further coverage visit: www.whatbullshitnow?@assflashmediahype.com

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

Lost Da Vinci sketch unearthed!

2006-02-03T23:16:00.000Z

Historians verified that a sketch found in Mrs Lilly Upton's back fanny garden is, indeed, an original Da Vinci; possibly placed there for safe keeping way back in the 1980's. The sketch features several studies of ropey old hookers from the olden days. Experts believe that pictured between the two uppermost whores is a design for an early form of Mirkin.

Prof Flem Knightsbury:

"Dave Vince was an extremely productive man. On some days he was known to clock up about 78 litres of Spunk and that's going some. We all know about his many talents, in particular his designs for flying machines and the like but we really weren't expecting to find evidence of any work in the field of sexual deviance. If this is indeed a mirkin and can be verified as such it will have great scientific importance."

But that's not the only surprise the sketch brought.

Da Vinci lived during the time of early Hand Spankery when fist techniques were at their crudest. The Five Knuckle Shuffle was at least one hundred years in the future and the Monkey spank was in it's infancy. Da Vinci, with his three foot brain, set to work.

Prof Charles Urwin Norris-Tennison:

"We X-rayed the sketch and when I saw what we had I involuntarily spermed in my pants. Da Vinci had been working on a design for a Flying Wank Chariot. Perhaps he got bored, perhaps he realised that nature had already created the perfect mash implement in the hand but he eventually rubbed it out and began sketching ropey old hookers and mirkins, possibly, again. It is a truly earth shattering discovery in the world of Hand spankery and I suspect even in the wider world."

Mrs Lilly Upton told us,

"It's filthy and disgusting. I didn't think Da Vinci was like that. I didn't even know he had a penis! Now I am deeply shocked and want no part of this."

Griff Rhys Jones, Rory McGrath and Dara O'Brien have stated that they will attempt to recreate a Flying Wank Chariot live on TV and fly it to the fictional country of France for tiffin. The show may be called "Three cunts in a Flying Wank Chariot" but they cannot commence work until Jones has finished filming of "Upriver: The Rory McGrath extraction (from ass to ears)."

McGrath has had his head up his ass for a consecutive 1,489 days. He is now surviving on brown air.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

Genghis Carps

2006-02-02T15:51:00.000Z

Our monkey researchers have discovered that approximately 16 million men around the world are descended from the warlord Genghis Carps.

Carps conquered most of the Anal Peninsular in the 13th century and founded an empire, which at its height, stretched from the Anal Cleft to the Furry Love Palace.

Although a little runt of a man, Carps was popular with the ladies. What he lacked in stature he made up for with his impressive penis which he used to wang about in battle.

Carps would ride into battle on the back of a donkey, wearing nothing but a cheeky grin and shouting his war cry, "Oh, shitting hell." Carps' military conquests were frequently characterised by an immense loss of blood, usually his own.

Documents recently discovered show that after each battle Carps would have first pick of the lovely ladies and would engage in grotesque acts of hand spankery in his wank tent.

Descendents of Carps include the Flemish Royal Family, Felicity Kendal and Larry Hagman.

Categories: Carps

Jesus Harold Christ: "I have seen the future......and it is Hitech."

2006-01-29T22:41:00.000Z

The Adventures of Phillip Hitech family continues to grow and roll like a rolling stone, laying it's hat wherever it calls it's home.

We have been joined by eminent sociopath, Jesus Harold Christ. He had this to say,

"As you can see I have light shining from my head and my heart, this makes socialising awkward so I'm hoping writing for Hitech will get me laid essentially."

Jesus enjoys nothing better than riding on his bike and performing miracles for small change.

"I have only become rusted twice in my life. Once in my leg and once in my elbow."

Jesus' mum sent in this picture of him with his favourite toy apple.

"Ah, man. I loved that apple. I don't think I would've got through college without it and I still have it to this day."

We asked Jesus if he had any particular pet hates,

"Yeah, when people think the H is for Harry. That really cocks me off."

Jesus will be offering on-line confessionals between the hours of 10&11 every wednesday.

The Adventures of Phillip Hitech now has enough writers to legally invade a third world country.

Categories: Unclassified

The secret diary of Flid Boy. An everyday superhero

2006-01-29T21:32:00.000Z

My name is Derek but everybody calls me Flid Boy but I don't mind.

My friend Robbie died today. He had a massive head. Robbie used to finger the gerbils at school. Fucking window licker. Robbie wanted to be a gangsta rapper when he grew up but mom says he's going straight to hell. Apparently there's no wheel chair access in heaven.

On the special bus this morning I sat next to George and Mildred, the conjoined twins. I really fancy Mildred, she's got nice cakes. I want to ask her out to the school disco but I can't seem to catch her alone. George goes every fucking where with her.

At church today I learned about Jesus. Father Callaghan nailed me to the cross and poked me with a spear. He said it was no use screaming because God doesn't listen to spastics.

Madigan let me use his computer tonight. I like to hang out in the chat room for vulnerable retarded kids. I made a new friend, his nickname is Kiddie Fiddler and he's the same age as me! He says he knows some games we can play with our clothes off.

Categories: The Secret Diary of Flid Boy

Issue 05

2006-01-29T18:09:00.000Z

Bore your old granny dead with ten fantastic facts you should fucking well know

Although difficult, it is possible to start a fire by rapidly rubbing your nipples
Camilla Parker Bowles has a ring piece fashioned from Cornish gold
Britain produces 700 regional man cheeses, more even than the fictional country of France
If you part your hair on the left you are probably physically disabled
66 per cent of pet owners claim they allowed their pets to participate in love making
The first same sex couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television was Morecambe and Wise
In Tonga a monkey can be arrested for touching your balls
9 out of 10 Americans believe Joseph Stalin invented the light bulb
It takes 75 litres of spunk to make a bottle of Libfraumanmilch
When faced with danger, Carps can wrap his legs around his head to disguise himself as a fallen coconut shell and escape by walking backwards

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

Leaping Fuck!

2006-01-29T15:18:00.000Z

This was the scene today in Lambeth as thousands of sweaty cunts gathered for the release of a new and dangerous food substance; Kebabuana. We sent our intrepid reporter, Dick Manly to take a peek and perhaps grab some free samples.

Dick Manly reports;

It's 0500hrs in the AM and activity surrounding Abe Lincoln's Olde Kebab Castle, Lambeth, is frenetic. Not since my days covering the Ho Chi Min trail in '69 have I witnessed such human savagery on such an epic scale. Charlie has overrun the perimeter and the chefs at Abe Lincoln's are serving hand to hand Kebabs. Reports have come in that so far there have been 17 fatalities and that fresh shipments of meat are being scavenged from local pet stores to hold off the swelling masses.

I was able to fight a path through the crowd and headed straight for the CO on the ground. Here's what he had to say.

"We just didn't realise the response this was gonna get. It's fucking insane really. Some of my staff are being treated for flash burns and there have been several fat related incidents so far. I just don't know what's coming next."

At the heart of this unholy conflict lies the cause: Kebabuana. A dangerous variant of Kebab and Marijuana. The British Medical Association declared,

"This is undoubtedly the biggest threat Western civilisation has ever faced. Bigger than piles."

Keen to pursue that devil called truth, I grilled the CO over a medium heat.

"The idea came from Head Office, perhaps even Abe himself. The idea was to save time for the average clubber who really wants to just eat, get high and fuck when they get home. I heard it came to Abe when he accidentally ate a joint with his Kebab and before he knew it he was ass-naked, running through the streets of York demanding 'service'. But that may be totally untrue."

Astonishingly he told me,

"I see no danger with this stuff, perhaps if people have more than one, maybe but I have complete faith in this product. We don't give a flying fuck about the classification debate either."

The interview ended as a group of customers broke through final defences and invaded the command post. A supply drop of beef was called in on their own position. Few of them survived.

In the interest of research I had Irvin, my back up camera man, consume a Kebabuana. Within minutes he was acting like Jim Bowen and expressing a fondness for social freedom.

Irvin: A short time after consuming Kebabuana.

Irvin: 40 minutes after consuming Kebabuana.
Irvin: 72hrs later.

Irvin entered a state of religious ecstasy and signed up for several Charitable organisations whilst under the influence of Kebabuana. His bodyhair mass had increased by over forty percent. Let that be warning enough.

I spoke with an employee of Abe Lincoln's who was prepared to blow the whistle. He wouldn't let us take a photo but was happy for me to draw him.

"The strength of the weed they're using here is way off the scale. It's suicide, you can't even smoke this shit without being a whole continent away from it. They don't care. The policy is just to keep selling. They don't care if you buy one or ten, it's bullshit that they're being responsible with this."

"I think it's all just to recoup the terrible loss they made on the Scorpion Kebab. That was equally dangerous but it didn't cause this kind of hysteria. People are forming new religions out there. The Ministry of Sound are gonna be hosting a club night here and E.L.O are thinking of reforming. There's already five raves and two love-ins going on out there. It's out of all control, like the '60's all over again."

The failed Scorpion Kebab. Could it be responsible?

Whatever the reason behind the creation of Kebabuana, society is still left to work out how to pay the price. I spoke to a Lambeth Council spokesperson.

"This is an untennable situation. It's not even been 24hrs since this has gone on sale and already the pavement outside Abe Lincoln's has been declared a communist state. We absolutely cannot allow E.L.O to reform and must do something before it's too late."

In my opinion it's already far too late.

This has been Dick Manly......On point.

Over and out.

Alan Scrotum's Rant Page

2006-01-28T08:16:00.000Z

Hello, Good Evening and Welcome

The world today is rife with such evil as international terrorism, the ensuing battle between religious ideology, global warming, poverty, George W Bush and that fucker Lawrence fucking Bowen twat, long haired bastard. Swaning around the BBC looking like a cross between Danny La Rue and a genetic medieval defect from the spawn of Eric the ridiculously dressed and looks like a girl.

But the one burning issue that has not been dealt with effectively and had precious little coverage in the world media is GAYS - what the fuck's that all about then???

I don't just mean your average uphill gardener or carpet muncher (yes chaps, reports have been confirmed that girls can go out with girls and it's fucking legal. I blame fucking Blair the BASTARD). I'm talking about the full monty - blokes actually snogging blokes (don't they like girls or something?)

It appears obvious to me that there is something not quite right about the gays. Recently outted gay SYD LITTLE commented, "How the hell was I supposed to go out with girls? I lived with that fat bastard Eddie Large for the best part of the 1970's but hey, I did love him. I remember the first time I took it up the chocolate box, Lena Zavaroni on the gramophone, singing the timeless cockney love classic, 'Stick your member up me for fock's sake, I ain't got all bleedin' day.' It brought tears to my eyes it did, or was it that I wasn't quite used to taking it up the wrong un?"

Syd confessed that he's been out with a girl once but he was put off when her merkin got tangled up in his glasses. Yes I do remember it well. Cilla I think her name was, or was it Dave, hairiest twat I ever did see or so I thought. From that day forth Syd has never looked back and is pleased he took the long and painful journey to Cockville. Calling at Knob Street Central, My Arse is Sore Parkway, KY Junction and Anus Temple Meads.

Categories: Unclassified

HOLY COCK FIRE.

2006-01-27T09:56:00.000Z

The Adventures of Phillip Hitech would like to welcome Alan Scrotum to our writing team. Alan has severe learning disabilities and a number of sexually transmitted diseases, which include leaping cock mustard and full on anal rust. He has however managed to live a full and exciting life disguised as an Aubergine in the local Tesco's fruit section and only last week competed in the national Soggy Biscuit play offs. He came 3rd and will soon be representing his country in Belize. We're hoping that training for this won't interfere with his writing and that he'll still be able to knock one or two out for us too.

Alan hails from Vaginasville, Tennesse and is indeed the biggest cunt we have ever met. We found this stock photo of him pinned to the back of the door in a public toilet.

Alan can be found with the Monkeys in the research department most wednesdays and some fridays.

Categories: Unclassified

The secret diary of Flid Boy. An everyday superhero

2006-01-25T00:05:00.000Z

My name is Derek but everybody calls me Flid Boy. Even my mom. I'm twelve years old and go to the Giant Haystacks School for Mentally Retarded Kids. Every Sunday I go to church. Father Callaghan says that Jesus hates me and this is why I'm a spastic.

My best friend is Jenny. I sit next to her on the special bus. I think Jenny's family live near the sea because she always smells of fish. Jenny's mute and speaks to me with her fingers. I haven't got a fucking clue what she's saying. I think she wants to suck my cock.

My dad is William Shatner. I've never met him in real life. My mom's name is Loretta and she's a crack whore junkie. When she puts me to bed she tells me the Nazis are coming to get me. My brother Madigan, is eighteen years old. When he gets older he wants to be a Grand Master in the Ku Klux Klan. He's a bit of a knob jockey really. My dog's name is MacGyver, he's sixteen years old and senile. He tries to bum me in my sleep.

My favourite singer is Barry Manilow and Mary Beth Lacey makes me stiff. When I grow up I want to be a computer like Bill Gates.

Categories: The Secret Diary of Flid Boy

Sylvester Stallone to play Professor Stephen Hawking in Death Race 3000

2006-01-23T15:45:00.000Z

Sylvester Stallone, once voted by his high school teachers the student most likely to end up in the electric chair, is to play Professor Stephen Hawking in Death Race 3000. With his trademark sneer, lazy eyes and slurred speech, Mr Stallone gave us this interview.

Sylvester Stallone, "I studied acting at the Angie Dickinson School of Modern Death Jazz Dance. At the time it was the only way to avoid the draft for Vietnam. Let's get one thing focking clear, I'm no pussy but I didn't wanna fight no China man, and I fucking hate the Canadians. Everyone was there - Tom Hanks, Mel Gibson, Barbara Streisland and Fozzie Bear. Angie was a complete bitch. Hell, I even tried to run away to the fictional country of France.

I got my first break in the Ewok porn classic, Lords of Muffbush. I played testicle number 3. It was only a minor role but they let me get my cock out a lot off set. Then in 1976 I made Rocky. I showed the world I was the biggest thing in my life. I gave a lot of people the bum's rush. I started to hang out with Tom Hanks, Lena Zavaroni and Lionel Blair. I was bigger than Benson and Hedges for fuck's sake. I was a right cunt.

Then I made the unholy mistake of starring in Tango and Cash alongside Kirk Douglas. Things went from bad to fucking shit bad. I made Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot! Judge Dredd. Cop Land. Get Carter and D-Tox. The list is fucking endless. I once even sued myself for investing in Planet Hollywood. I've made a complete wanking tit of myself. It was like God saying, Fuck you Stallone. You Italian Bastard.

I first read about Stephen Hawking in his book, The Nutty Professor. I realised Hawking was more than just a spastic in a chair. The Nutty Professor profoundly affected my life. I realised there's a spastic inside every one of us, just trying to get out. I also discovered that gravity gets into everything, even cheese.

Playing Stephen Hawking is going to be the most intellectually challenging role I've had to face after playing Weaver in Antz. I've done some serious research to get into the psyche of Stephen Hawking. I've watched a lot of Ironside, learned mime and I've even had a fitting downstairs. I'm still afraid that once I get in the chair I'm going to fall flat on my face and shit my pants.

One of the reasons for choosing to play Hawking is my age, and my enlarged testes. I just thought it was time to play someone who didn't have to walk anywhere.

In Death Race, I see Hawking as a superhero in a chair. Like Superman after he broke his neck. I intend to emphasize the special relationship Hawking has with his chair. There won't be any gayness. It'll be like Michael Keaton and Kitt in Knight Rider. Hawking's chair is his chariot and together they fight to save the world from the destructive forces of physics. They'll have to contend with big explosions, loud noises and lots of CGI aliens. Yuen Wo Ping will choreograph the fight sequences. Death Race 3000 will go places no other chair bound person has been before."

After I called Mr Stallone a cunt, he beat the shit out of me and left quietly. This is Dick Shavings in partial paralysis.

Categories: Dick Shavings' Column

Issue 04

2006-01-23T14:51:00.000Z

Impress birds and get yourself laid with ten fantastic facts you should fucking well know

The average guest at a Buckingham Palace garden party will be touched up fourteen times
Antony Worrall-Thompson's beard swam the English Channel in his youth
France has surrendered more times than any other nation on earth
Due to the angle a which the optic nerve enters the brain, staring at a picture of Carps during sex with yourself greatly increases the orgasm
Every drop of Des O'Connor's urine contains approximately 1 billion gold atoms
The Prince of Wales will die if his pubic hair gets wet
The sound you hear when you cock one off in the bath, is the sound of nitrogen bubbles bursting
Testicules was a Greek philospher from the island of Homos
There are an estimated 60 million people in the fictional country of France in a persitent vegatative state
Nelson probably had a very broad cock

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

New UK chart entry

2006-01-20T10:10:00.000Z

Yesterday saw the release of Bin Laden's latest 'Terror tape'. Speaking from an undisclosed location he had this to tell us,

"We've spent a longtime in the recording studio getting the sound right for this one. We were trying for more of an acid jazz/blues feel so we pretty much recorded the whole thing wrapped in duct tape just like Stanley Gitz did in the early 1960's."

The tape features a raft of covers including, Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep, Loveshack, My Gang, You got me Babe, Imagine and Madness' crazy classic, Driving in my car (bomb). Bin Laden was criticised last summer for his over-reliance on cover songs.

"You know, it's really hard for me to find the time for my music what with touring, international terrorism and my volunteer work as head of the Arabic Biscuit Foundation. I think on reflection though that anything I wrote myself would probably end up hate filled and unlistenable."

This is intimated by the titles of the few original songs on the tape. 'Bomb the shit out of the USA', 'Suck my big fat one, Canada' and 'Bush loves cock'.

President Bush is said to be putting together a collection of his country-swing-soul classics in an attempt to deny Bin Laden the number one slot. Tony Blair has offered to insert his penis wherever it is necessary.

And what of rumours of a possible combined tour?

"I think it would be good to combine a tour but I don't know if Bush and Blair could take the pressure. I've been doing my tapes for a while now and have built up quite a following within the Dogging community; my fans are pretty extreme. Although I'm already pretty big in the East my main ambition is to break America, a tour with Bush and Blair could help. I wouldn't rule it out."

Bin Laden will commence his 'Band on the run' tour in late June.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

2006-01-20T01:27:00.000Z

Do you want to look like an English cunt? Then get the Hugh Grant wig. Guranteed to get the shit kicked out of you every time OR your money back.

In all good hair piece stores around the country.

Categories: Advertisements

Dick Shavings - Celebrity Profile

2006-01-18T23:46:00.000Z

Richard Butt Face Evans

The bastard child of Lady Lovestick Evans, whore of Satan, and Schnorbitz the dog, Richard Butt Face Evans was born in Crumbly Corners in 1937 and raised by Butt Monks.

The stand-up comedian began his career frightening small children and old ladies in the Rhyl and Prestatyn area. In 1964 Richard Butt Face Evans found fame on Hughie Green's Opportunity Knocks. Because his act featured jokes about bum buggery and he had an ass for a face, Evans was given the nickname, 'Butt Face.' During the 1970s, Richard Butt Face Evans regularly appeared at the Bum Hole Club.

Tight assed and butt faced in real life, Evans' on stage persona of a gormless, twat of a man proved popular in the fictional country of France. By 1978 Evans was broke after losing his money as a failed hot beef slice baron. Faced with a huge unpaid Ugly Tax bill, Butt Face Evans faked his own death by becoming a fictional citizen in the country that had embraced him as a comic.

Today Richard Butt Face Evans lives as a woman in the fictional country of France. He makes a living as a private dancer.

This is Dick Shavings knocking one off.

Categories: Dick Shavings' Column

Beckham faces charges.

2006-01-18T21:26:00.000Z

Victoria Beckham faces charges of gross fraud and deception today at the Supreme Court of Justice. She will be grilled over reports she filed with the media in 2001 regarding an alleged solo career in music.

Westminster City Council brought about the charges as part of their new rolling programme, 'Clean Up Nonchalant TVtypes'. Ken Livingstone explained today on the steps of Nelson's column; a look of dazed euphoria on his face,

"What C.U.N.T is really all about is dealing with these celebrities who think it's ok to just fuck about doing coke and not really produce anything worthwhile. It's becoming a major problem in the city, perhaps above congestion. Just the other day I was having a meal in Bon Salon, the fictional French restaurant, and I was served a portion of Jodie Marsh on Jeff Brazier. There was coke everywhere. Nobody knew how they got on the plate but it's indicative of this issue. Celebrities have filled our streets like human garbage. I hear Paris is experiencing similar problems but I never believe a word they say."

It is believed Victoria's team of high powered lawyers will cite her current work in the fashion industry as 'useful'. Some wrangling over the definition of 'useful' is expected but the outcome seems clear to Ken.

"We wanted to start with a high profile name just to get the message across. We mean business. I am determined to see her go down for this. Production of the album 'Victoria Beckham' alone was a complete waste of resources not to mention the subsequent 4 singles. This is London for fucks sake, we can't have this."

Victoria's Lawyers told us,

"The charge of wasting public time and money sounds trumped up to us and we're fairly certain it's made up but all the same we could lose and Victoria will be facing 17 years in solitary."

Ruling is expected by the end of the week.

New laws could mean the wholesale export of redundant celebrities. The Philippines have expressed interest in a Jade Goody/Dave Dickinson package but the BBC have dug their heels in and vow to fight Dickinson's conviction.

The BBC issued this statement,

"He's the brownest man we've got on daytime TV."

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

UK's first stealth surveillance aircraft unveiled

2006-01-18T13:42:00.000Z

Images of the UK's first prototype stealth surveillance aircraft have been unveiled. The unmanned vehicle, built by Noel Edmonds Aerospace Systems, is known as the K.I.T.E.

Noel Edmonds, "The K.I.T.E. bears some resemblance to technology developed by the Chinese 2,500 to 3,000 years ago. It's totally revolutionary. The K.I.T.E. uses fly be wire technology for guidance control and the colours can be optimized to enhance its stealth capabilities."

The K.I.T.E. uses prototype stealth technology to render itself virtually invisible to enemy radar and is built from nylon, wood, string and UHU glue. By increasing the string length the K.I.T.E. can fly fairly high.

Jane's International Defence Review said the K.I.T.E. indicated a new direction in unmanned combat vehicles for the UK's armed forces.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround

2006-01-18T01:11:00.000Z

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Warning: Always test on an inconspicuous area first. Not to be used internally. May be abrasive. May cause chaffing. May cause skin irritation. May burn. May cause infertility. May cause death.

Categories: Advertisements

New Monthly Poll

2006-01-17T00:22:00.000Z

Check out the new monthly poll in the sidebar.

Ron Jeremy launch successful

2006-01-16T02:07:00.000Z

Ron Jeremy has today launched himself into space in an attempt to divert the course of the asteroid due to hit Tom Hanks in 2019.
(Read more about this story @http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2005/12/tom-hanks-in-asteroid-collision.html)

The asteroid, first detected on 11th December 2005, is said to have grown to a colossal 20km in width and could possibly contain information from around the time of the creation of Carps.

An Astronomer told us,

"We would dearly love to get hold of some of the matter within this Asteroid. We think it may give us important leads as to when and why Carps was created and also possibly his exact current whereabouts. I think Ron Jeremy may be able to capture some of this material within his Japs Eye but local contamination may make the samples unusable."

Jeremy's audacious plan was thought up over cocktails at the infamous Hollywood bar, Useless Cunts.

"We were all sitting around; me, Tom Selleck, Uma Thurman and Danny Devito and we had just heard the news about the asteroid. We were in a state of shock really, I mean you just don't know if it's going to be you in the firing line next. We all agreed on what a cunt Tom really is but I thought to myself; no, we're meant to be a family here, a big family of useless cunts and if Tom's got an asteroid bearing down on him then, so have I. I resolved to do something about it and started to sketch my plan out on some napkins."

Ron took his plans to NASA but they were quickly dismissed as childish cockwash.

"I was devastated. There seemed no hope except to release a charity record with some of my Hollywood chums. But then John Travolta mentioned he had been building a full scale space rocket in his loft for the past year. Well, that was it. The launch was scheduled for the following week whilst I gathered a few provisions for the journey; boiled sweets and some decent toilet paper."

It is estimated that Jeremy will reach optimum strike range within three to four years travelling at pornosonic speeds. He plans to space walk from his ship into the direct path of the asteroid then use his immense penis to twat it out of it's intended trajectory.

"It's kinda like any game of baseball except it's totally different. I've been told that this asteroid is fucking huge but that doesn't worry me as my cock has a volume of 40,000 Sq Hectares."

It is estimated that the force of impact on Jeremy's cock could result in extreme trauma and any loss of blood in this area will cause the instantaneous death of the star.

"Well, travelling at 28km per second this bad boy's gonna be coming in hard and fast. There's huge potential for a cock rupture so I've had my helmet covered in egg boxes as a precautionary measure. I'm sure I can do this, not just for Tom, but for cunts everywhere."

Jeremy has yet to confirm details of how he will return to Earth but states,

"I'll have plenty of time to figure that out once I'm up there."

Ron Jeremy will be visible to the naked eye for a further two days before his trajectory takes him further out into the Solar System.

A NASA spokesman told us,

"If Ron Jeremy is successful we will still fire Tom Hanks into space come 2019 as he will be of no further use. We are planning to issue a commemorative stamp in honour of his achievement."

In other news, Tom Hanks' chronic cuntism has worsened and doctors fear he is reaching end stage PVS.

Five facts you didn't know about Ron Jeremy:

* 98.7% of Ron Jeremy's blood supply resides in his penis, subsequently the remainder of his body is numb and flaccid throughout the winter.

* Although Ron Jeremy's penis has a volume of 40,000 sq hectares a further 20,000 sq hectares exist in the fourth dimension.

* Ron Jeremy is only 2 inches tall and uses a block and winch to mount a lady.

*Ron Jeremy's body is so pink that it is now included in the DULUX colour range.

*Ron Jeremy takes two bottles into the shower.

Categories: Tom Hanks

Issue 03

2006-01-16T01:09:00.000Z

Amaze friends and startle teachers with ten fantastic facts you should fucking well know

The average number of days a German goes without washing is seven
Monkeys have 49 words for banana but only 1 word for piss
Tom Selleck often hangs from tree branches by his amazing prehensile penis
Sucking cock will cause a breathalyzer to read zero
Judy Finnegan invented peanut butter
Carps' voice has the same romance enhancing frequency as the voice of singer Barry White
Iceland is the dumbest country in the world
Body odour was invented by Coco Channel
Watching Coronation Street burns more calories than running a marathon
Afghanistan is the world's cardigan capital

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

Dick Shavings - Face2Face

2006-01-15T19:01:00.000Z

As part of his parole requirements, Dick Shavings will be interviewing celebrities from around the globe. In the first of a series, Dick interviews himself.

Being asked to work for The Adventures of Phillip Hitech has been...A fucking disasterous career move. It was either Phillip Hitech or prison.

If I wasn't talking to myself right now, I'd be...On the phone to my drug dealer.

A phrase I use far too often is...Will somebody please cock me off.

I wish people would take more notice of...Global warming and my new range of man scent - Dick Musk for men.

The most surprising thing ever to happen to me was...Being gobbed off by Margaret Thatcher in 1984.

A common misconception of me is...I died in 1961 from a drug overdose.

I'm very bad at...Representing myself in court.

The ideal night out is...In my crotchless man pants and half a bottle of Viagra inside me.

In moments of weakness...I travel to Thailand.

In a truer life I'd have been...Jean Luc Picard.

The best age to be is...Old enough not to be prosecuted.

In a nutshell, my philosophy is...Straight up the pupah.

The last film I saw was...Judge John Deed, the movie. Martin Shaw is dynamite.

I am currently reading...The autobiography of Busty Fellows. She's very articulate.

What are you currently smoking...African Jumba Jumba weed, through an authentic tribal bong.

This is Dick Shavings playing with himself.

Categories: Dick Shavings' Column

2006-01-11T11:26:00.000Z

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YOU BEAUTIFUL MONG - BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT ANY WORSE.

Categories: Advertisements

Issue 02

2006-01-09T13:32:00.000Z

Amaze friends and startle teachers with ten fantastic facts you should fucking well know

SCUBA divers can not pass wind
Urine from Fern Britton is so flammable that some tribes use it for lantern fuel
Napoleon's favourite type of wood was Knotty Ash
Polar bears can eat as many as 86 Penguins in a single sitting. Although they don't like Custard Creams
You can fit the world's twenty one smallest people in your pocket
Pet superstores now sell about 40 percent of all Chinese food
The average man will spend two weeks over his lifetime waiting for his cock to get hard
More than 2500 left handed people are killed every year from using products made in France
Most of the smokers in the world are children
No part of your body can be folded more than seven times

Categories: Well Fuck Me!

ON POINT: Dick Manly reports....

2006-01-09T11:16:00.000Z

EWOK PORN EXPOSED

December 15th, 2005. Munich police raid the apartment of Helmut Von Lishck, infamous purveyor of Pornography. They were sickened by what they discovered. Reports of huge amounts of a new subversive porn variant were widespread but no-one was willing to describe content. All officers engaged in the raid were issued a gagging order and some were beyond reach, incarcerated in local Psychiatric units.

Following an anonymous lead Dick Manly brings you this report into the sickening world of depraved Ewok pornography. That's right. Ewoks 'at it', bare naked rutting and a lot more besides.

Dick Manly reports...

The Forest of Dean. A dark, foreboding place inhabited by twisted throwbacks and inbred badgers. Driving alone in this territory is considered suicide but my lead told me to enter the forest and discover the awful truth behind the Von Lishck affair.

I hired a local guide to take me deep in the woods. He kind of misunderstood and it wasn't long before I realised the teddy bear's picnic was off that day. Unperturbed I ventured on alone. About three miles in I made an amazing discovery. Ewoks had set up home within the forest!

I was quickly caught and carried like a hog through the camp. Through a poorly tied blindfold I could see a lot of expensive film equipment lying around and could hear inhuman moans and wails all around me. I feared Bum Buggery as Ewoks are famed for spit roasting their prey.

I was soon identified as inedible and set free. An Ewok named Teebo (real name, Irwin) showed me round the camp. He had this to say,

'Yeah, I was the token black Ewok. That cunt Lucas left us high and dry after Jedi. Sure there was the christmas special and a few cartoon spin offs but they soon became syndicated and we were pushed out of the loop. Royalties dropped off to nothing. Lucas had promised us riches beyond imagining and brought us all the way out here from our homeworld. We put all that promised money into building the Ewok village but the joke was on us. The money was all spent and the well was dry. The village still needed damp proofing, what were we to do?'

'We were approached by some East German fellows. They wanted to give us a lot of money and film equipment for doing what is essentially second nature to us. I mean we fuck all the time, so why not for money? It all seemed so good at first. Fucking your missus on camera just so some hairless twat can spill his mess. But then things got worse.'

'Their requests became more extreme. They wanted us to do Anal, DP, DDP and DDDP. At first we refused but they threatened to stop the money coming in. Well, we'd just had the plumbing and Jacuzzi installed. We had to pay and we've been paying ever since. It's sheer hell.'

The Ewoks knew no shame as they allowed me to observe filming of their latest niche title, 'BumChain 6'.

Teebo expalined further,

'Now we do pretty much the whole range. All the various penetrations, Anal, Watersports, Fisting, Domination, Pork Pie, Machinery, Gay&Lesbian, Cumshots. Our most popular range is probably the Poppa bear series. We're even moving into the Scat market but the shit is really hard to clean off this fur.'

One look at the faces of these unfortunates tells the whole sorry tale. A once proud race driven to self abuse. And where do these gentle folk lay the blame?

'Lucas. Definitely. Cunt. Thanks to him we now have a serious coke problem in our community and Viagra costs money. Yeah we like to party.'

This has been Dick Manly....On Point.
Over and out.

Categories: Dick Manly On Point