EGG CLINIC
with Dr Larry Badjob and Les Bien.

Are your eggs getting you down?
If you answered yes to that then you clearly do not have an issue with what we in the medical profession term 'Egginess'. Meaning in simple terms to become easily irritated or annoyed by the actions or non-actions of those around you, resulting in cutting remarks and in extreme cases, the taste of salmon in the mouth.

Egginess, derived from the phrase to lose one's eggs, was first detected in 1871. Medics of the time believed it to be related to the ancient practice of Emu fondling and that Egginess transferred to our species via the avian tear duct. Modern science has since proved this to be complete cockwash with the help of Rod Hull's tireless work in this field. God bless him. He'll be missed.

We now know that Egginess lies dormant within us all. Hardwired from birth within the Amygdala; part of the Limbic system involved in emotion and aggression. Once triggered the Eggs release into the Thalamus and bleed into the frontal lobe via the Corpus callosum. They quickly attack the mood centres.

We have been unable to identify the trigger but lab tests show Egginess to be highly infectious. Les and myself reconstructed this experiment using a group of placid monkeys, well fed and allowed to spank themselves silly. We introduced a monkey that we had poked in the eye for a good hour or more with predictable results. Egginess quickly swept through the group and we were forced to abandon the lab. Those monkeys are still there and most likely in a high state of Egginess.

So what should you do if you suspect you or someone you know is particularly Eggy? Seek medical help immediately. Your GP will arrange for you the take the EQ test (Egg Quota) which will determine the level of mood surpressants you are prescribed. Home EQ test kits will soon be available and are certainly advisable for the daily management of this condition. Remember, Eggs are not fatal but they are for life. Harold Pinter's major works were written during extreme bouts of Egginess and Jeremy Paxman has carved himself a career out of his affliction.

The earliest symptom of Egg-onset is the extreme denial of the condition. Once detected it is vital not to continue to accuse the patient of Egginess as it is possible for them to deny themselves out of existence. Lord Lucan was said to be particularly Eggy on the day of his disappearance.

Here is a handy pull out Do's and Don'ts when faced with Eggs.

DO
Get off the beach. You obviously have enough sand in your vagina.
Take mind altering drugs.
Trepan the patient if you have suitable tools to hand. We suggest anything in the Black&Decker home range.

DON'T
Ask the patient if they have driven their Eggy Mondeo to work
or
If they have had Eggy pills or IM eggs that morning
or
If they have consumed an Egg salad with extra eggs for lunch.

As always; be safe, be seen, be on fire.

Dr Larry Badjob md & Les Bien (lady by appointment)

Categories: Dr Larry Badjob