Awake but not aware

Doctors treating Tom Hanks for Chronic Cuntism, now suspect the actor has been in a Persistent Vegetative State since 1980 when he starred in his first movie, “She Knows You’re a Homo.”

A definitive diagnosis cannot be made until doctors have had the opportunity to examine the actors next three films - “A Cold Sore,” “The Piss Pool” and “Cunny Lick.”

Dr Badjob, “Tom’s symptoms have been discrete enough to allow him to pursue an acting career spanning twenty five years. There is only one way to audit the accuracy of the diagnosis and that is with a post mortem. I say cut the cunt up now.”

PVS causes irreparable damage to the part of the brain that controls the more sophisticated functions of thinking, feeling and magic. The sufferer experiences a permanent loss of cognitive neurological function and never regains consciousness.

Dr Badjob, “Tom’s symptoms are typical of someone with PVS. He can make sudden, jerky movements and even open his eyes, but he’s not living in any previously understood definition of the world. He has no awareness of himself or his environment, look at “Turner and Hooch” for fuck’s sake.”

Doctors are hoping to induce consciousness in Tom Hanks through a programme of coma arousal. Should his condition deteriorate, Tom Hanks may have to be operated with machinery.

Tom Hanks was not sentient enough to comment.

PVS is contagious and may be caught through eye contact with any Tom Hanks film.

Categories: Tom Hanks