Record Breaker!

Jeremy Clarkson has beaten Richard Madeley to be crowned The World’s Tallest Twat, by The Guinness Book of Records.

Clarkson, who is taller than a bungalow, recalled the moment he discovered his life’s ambition fulfilled,

“I split my mess when I found out. I was on the phone with Norris McSquirter and I lost all traction control. It was a big one. By the time I got it straight again I was in Berkshire.”

Designed by Roy Castle in 1960, Jeremy Clarkson was educated at public school but never buggered. He shot to fame with BBC2’s Top Gear in 1989.

Clarkson, “When I was growing up, coffee was powdered. I used to hunt bears and walk my dog. I’ve always been a tall twat. And now I’m the world’s tallest twat. Brilliant! Only a month ago I thought that maybe in 200 years, someone, somewhere, using materials that don’t currently exist, will build something better.”

Having beaten off the challenge of Richard Madeley, Clarkson offered these words of consolation to the loser,

“Madeley is a man of low IQ. Apparently, if you peel away the upholstery there may well be a big drawing of a penis. He’s too Beckham for my liking. He’s been trying to prevent something I knew. He’s been spreading rumours, saying I’m not that tall. Motherfucker. That’s the effect he has upon me. Savage. I hope he’s shunned by society.”

For Clarkson this is surely the pinnacle of a career successfully devoted to becoming the world’s tallest twat.

Clarkson, “I absolutely love it. Sleeping is right out. The only solution is for me to take every single drug ever made in the world. The doctor has been very obliging. Yesterday I thought I was Kofi Annan. So it’s pills and booze. Unless that is, someone has a better idea?”

And the future?

Clarkson, “I’m building an Ewok village on my head. I need to spend the money on the electrics and if it all goes tits up it would be a crying shame. It’s a complicated pain in the arse. They’re having the same problems over in Germany.”

What a cock!

Categories: John Craven's Newsround