Anal Behaviour sweeps nation!

Anal Behaviour is sweeping the nation! Anal Behaviour is a two man act hailing from the urban sprawl of Cockingham. With their trademark Words and Whistles, Anal Behaviour is proving popular amongst Sock Hoppers countrywide.

Anal Behaviour formed and recorded their debut EP 'Cream Pie' following a hefty tiffin session during which several buns were heavily soiled. The sound of Anal Behaviour's debut has been described in the musical press as both 'painful' and 'deeply upsetting'.

Band member, Ring of Uranus (keyboard/drums/flying horseshit/vocals) has been quoted as saying, "It's difficult for a lot of people to comprehend our method of writing and recording our material simultaneously but we feel this adds to the whole sense of behaving anally, it's kind of free form anal without any forms at all.".

Brian Anus (guitar/teeth/various wind instruments/vocals) added, "We tend to look at music and sounds as a whole then rip them apart into their composite parts. We haven't got a fucking clue how to get them back together though.".

Anal Behaviour plan to finish their first full album, The Sound of Brown Noise, later this year; or possibly next year, or the year after. The Adventures of Phillip Hitech have managed to steal a copy of the title track 'Anal Fury'. Remember, Anal Behaviour should be enjoyed responsibly.

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Check the band out at http://www.myspace.com/itsanalbehaviour

Boy George held over High Bummery charges.

Boy George was today held on charges of High Bummery after he allegedly imprisoned a male escort. In his defence Boy George states that he did not hang the escort by a hook whilst he performed hideous vocal performances at him but simply, "nailed him to the wall".

Star of the Month: Jim Bowen!

This month will be totally Super, Spastic, Japseye for those born within the influence of Jim Bowen.

The 14th will bring fear and pain as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse decide to pop round for tea. Famine will bring along a splendid cake however.

Typical Jim Bowenarians like the smell of burning fat and tasting the love. Medical complaints include, Myxomatosis, Hydrophones, Searing Cock Mustard and Mallards of the BumDrum.

Your lucky number is: 180!!!

Warning: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'i'm getting treatment for that rash' Crowe.

Dick Manly...On Point

This week Dick Manly has been investigating the disturbing rise of sexual harassment in the workplace. Having based most of his research on websites such as 'Naughty Office' and 'Bang My Shenanigans, In The Orifice' we sent Dick to work undercover in an office. This report promises to expose the shocking abuse of males by often fuck-ugly women.
All names in this report have been censored.

Monday 5th, 09.05hrs: My first day at Spud-U-Mong head office. I am greeted by a woman called ****. She makes me feel uneasy with her eyes. I am shown to my work space. within minutes of my arrival **** has asked if, "I want anything just come and see her." Shockingly the blatant abuse of my maleness has already begun.

11.17hrs: **** has been sitting on her bottom all morning. Occasionally banging on a bit about stuff. she told me that, "I could have it", which I found to be rather sexually predatory. Combined with her 'accidentally' touching my knee at 11.15hrs I feel that perhaps she is a sex maniac, possibly well known to the local dogging community. I begin to wish I'd taken my medication this morning.

12.07hrs: Whilst I was stood very close-by, **** lunged towards my gentleman's area with sudden force and intent. I am scared and may have leaked.

15:30hrs: **** asked if I was "alright." I fear this to be some form of dogging terminology. She then walked around the office a bit in a suggestive manner.

Tuesday 6th, 10:oohrs: **** suggested she may have a coffee. I believe she was indeed referring to my privates in a lewd manner. She then told me she could not find her cup which I believe to be a reference to something termed 'Cream Pie'.

12:05: ****** said that she would like one. **** agreed. Depraved sex talk in evidence. ****** stated she wanted "white coffee", obviously referring to Sperm.

13:37hrs: Larry hasn't got me my medication yet. Bastard.

16.14hrs: **** writing on paper in a suggestive manner. ****** said thank you for the coffee with sexual undertones. **** then suggested I, "make it with a Goat". **** then told me, "I haven't had it yet." She suggested she was "Getting there" however. I made excuses and left early.

Wednesday 7th, 10.41hrs: **** asked if there was anything I could "take down" for her. I felt sexually assaulted in a verbal manner.

14.20hrs: **** drew her breath in in a shocked manner which I believe intimated oral desires.

16.45hrs: **** asked me if "he had been in today?" A clear sexual reference to my Johnson. No sign of Larry or me tablets. Things are getting freaky, just like in 'Nam when Charlie used to Bum Surf the wire. Like ghosts man, fucking ghosts...

Thursday 8th, 09.45hrs: **** requested I "Whip her there". She claims to have been referring to a trip out in the company car to fetch doughnuts. I am not so sure so I keep my distance and sit in the back to drive her to the shop.

11.15hrs: **** suggested we should all get drunk and go up the hill and sit in a car with some other people. She also suggested bringing a camera for some reason. I am not sure where I am anymore, just a few minutes ago I thought I saw my old CO stood by the photocopier. He died in Khe Sahn...I need my tablets. It's all happening again.

15.17hrs: **** suggested that ****** has breasts, 34DD and is in fact wearing M&S pants.

Friday 9th, 11.02hrs: Finally Larry's come up with my tablets. Too late to stop the blood pouring down the walls however. I am in a world of terror. I try to focus on my job whilst ravenous females prowl around me. A lone male in an office environment, I am targeted as meat in a jungle of lettuce kebabs. My sweat is tangible. My Claymores set.

15:00hrs: **** tells me that she could "do it" as long as she wasn't on her own.

16.30hrs: **** asks me if ****** has been "let off" early today. This is a clear sexual come on. I fear for my own safety as **** comes closer. I pull on the detonator but the Claymores are fucked. Damn this war. Damn you American arms industry. Damn you all to hell.

17:oohrs: The end of my week undercover. I was appalled at what I discovered, not only at what I found behind my sofa whilst looking for tablets, but also at the shockingly offensive level of sexual content prevalent in today's workplace perpetrated by women. Shame on you all. Shame.

This has been Dick Manly....on point.

Get some.

Star of the month: Dave Dickinson!

There is trouble afoot for those born within the influence of Dave Dickinson.

On the 15th you will be mistaken for a Mahogany table and sold at auction for a disappointing profit. Woodworm also feature heavily this month and you may find your legs become unusable due to rising damp on the 21st.

A good polish up with some Mr Sheen will do you the world of good and may bring an unexpected love suprise from an oversexed pervert of some kind, possibly a tramp.

Dave Dickinson is a wood sign and as such those born within his influence will have a tendency to stand still in forests for long periods of time. They do however make exceptional furniture.

Dave Dickinsons should have limited social interaction with the world as human contact will tend to make them act like a deranged Oompa Loompa.

Your lucky number is: Cheap as chips.

Warning: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'is that my Vagina?' Crowe.

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The Noel Edmunds Safety Beard is fully endorsed by Noel Edmunds who had this to say;

'My safety beard has kept me safe from all facial harm though it appears unable to protect me from the amazing Cunt I've become over the years. I am not gay however.'

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Star of the month: Dolly Parton!

Those born within the influence of Dolly Parton will find that working 9 to 5 is no longer an option following lengthy leg surgery to correct a lazy Hambone.

On the 11th you will discover that Mexico is a place and not, as previously believed, a person. This will cause a stirring within the Geographic community and may result in your total and absolute alienation from human society. Not to worry however as there remains many other societies you can join, including Otter, Ant and Trout.

Beware of Valerie Singleton's Tit Rope on the 24th as this could result in extreme chaffing. Employ a sufficient Tit Cream such as Sauce de Loin to avoid this.

See http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2005/12/advertisement-valerie-singletons-tit.html for further information.

Dolly Parton is a wind sign and as such most persons born under her will experience medical conditions such as John Inman's of the Quim and Facial Crumbs . Neither condition is fatal but people will pay good money to see both in some form of modern day freak show.

Your lucky number is: Jubblylicious.

Warning: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'my eyes are bleeding' Crowe.

The Phillip Hitech theme tune

After losing several fingers and a small portion of my bell end in the tape machine, the Phillip Hitech theme tune is once again working. Just press play. Enjoy the aural sensations created by the mysterious Son of Spam.

Star of the Month: Tori Spelling!

Those born within the influence of Tori Spelling will find that despite lack of talent, looks and full brain function; they will star in several low grade movies this month.

On the 23rd you will be asked to play the part of Fanny Rumble in a low budget Bongo Movie entitled 'My Deluxe Ass 17'. It is advisable you take this offer up. The film quality will be fuzzy and possibly filmed on some bloke's mobile and you will gain a free apple.

All Tori Spelling-aurians will find they have the uncanny ability to act like a social leech, bleeding those around them dry. They also have a liking for roasted cats and satsumas.
The typical Tori Spelling-aurian has a head like a hole, possibly as black as my soul.

Your lucky number is well in the millions.

Avoid Manfat on the 11th.

Warning: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'Teeny Weeny' Crowe.

The Secret Diary of Flid Boy. An everyday superhero

My name is Derek but everyone calls me Flid Boy and I need operations.

A new boy started in our class yesterday. His name is Jib Jab and he comes from PacManistan. He likes to piss in a bucket and has never touched a biscuit. He wears a big fuck off hat and sandals. Miss Hindley, our religious education teacher, says Jib Jab worships Harry Seacombe, though I think He was having a laugh when He created Jib Jab.

Father Callaghan has invented a new way of predicting the weather, by sticking his finger up my ass. The stinky finger technique for weather forecasting is relatively new in the world of meteorology. Father Callaghan says if I tell anyone they won’t believe me because I’m French and everyone knows the French don’t exist.

I don’t want to be French :-(

Johnny Jacobson the Jew had his knob cut off. It’s part of his religion. Fucking Nazis'.

Mom says by the time I’m 15 I’ll be blind and have to shit in a bag. I’m going to get laser eyes when I’m blind. I wish I was blind now. Madigan says if I touch my solider excessively I’ll go blind. I don’t believe him. I fiddled with myself all night last night and I still have eyes. I even let MacGyver lick my soldier’s helmet.

As Jim Bowen always said, “Super. Spastic. Smashing. Great. Japseye!”

Griffiths to take on MANBONE

Spirograph TV have announced the launch of their latest quiz-soap-detective-docu-drama, MANBONE.

MANBONE will follow the exploits of Detective Crusty MANBONE as he seeks to get a question right at the local pub quiz whilst getting incredibly drunk on Pernod.

A Spirograph TV spokesperson told us;

"MANBONE is really about the inner struggle we all face. Namely, do I really need to be a cunt and participate in pub quizzes? The script openly poses the ethical question, don't they really spoil a good night out for everyone else?"

"MANBONE will feature an array of hats. In fact there hasn't been as many hats on British TV in one go since The Onedin Line."

Derek Griffiths is to play MANBONE in a break from his typecast role as children's television plaything.

Derek told us;

"I'm hoping to follow in the footsteps of Lorraine Kelly and break out of comedy into drama; that is afterall where I started out after attending the HamBurglar School of Autistic Arts."

"I am very excited about MANBONE. When I get a character like this I like to treat them as my own, so after getting to grips with my secret Crusty MANBONE I realised just how gritty and, well, bloody raw the old boy is."

MANBONE will be assisted by his trusty sidekick, Spunky Biscuit and will be on our fictional screens by mid-October.
Derek Griffiths will be seeking medical advice immediately.

Star of the month: Little & Large!

Those born within the twin influence of Little and Large will find themselves attacked by sudden and violent flatulence this month. This will be to such a degree that simultaneous launch into earth's outer orbit will be achieved.

Anyone who knows their beans when it comes to Astromological readings will be aware that such is the power of Little and Large that they rule over both the month of May and June.

Those born within these times will be blessed with the power of ass and will find they have sexual leanings towards retarded ginger people.

Beware of flids in big fuck off electric chairs on the 17th.

Warning: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'I'll beat you to within an inch of your life' Crowe.

The Oxford Pocket Book of Ass.

Starting today The Adventures of Phillip Hitech are proud to bring you the first in our serialisation of 'The Oxford Pocket Book of Ass'. You will not find this exclusive anywhere else! No, really, you won't.

Originally conceived as a coffee table edition 'The Big Coffee Table Book of Ass' became pocket sized amid fear of law suits concerning spilt Latte incidents.

Now a handy size for the quick and easy identification of Ass this book is a must for any gay Manbag, pocket or even carrier bag if you're a tramp.
_______________________________________________________
The Oxford Pocket Book of Ass

1. Assus Bubbleous. First discovered in 1765 by Lord Nelson (possibly) this Ass has gone on to produce some of the world's most intricate stools; the largest of which was reformed to create the land of Scotland. An Ass such as this is susceptible to a condition known as 'Bubble-Butt'. Those mounting a Bubble-Butt should be wary as it may burst at any second leading to flash Cock Burns.

Star of the Month: Leonard Nimoy!

Those born under the star of Leonard Nimoy will find everything becoming highly illogical on the 23rd.

This feeling will increase in intensity until finally you are unable to comprehend the illogical nature of the universe.

You will accidentally deconstruct your own reality and reason for existence on the 29th.

Leonard Nimoy is a Water sign and as such those born within his influence will regularly piss themselves at social events.

Your lucky number is illogical.

WARNING: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'Maximus Cuntus' Crowe.

More dangerous than an electric fire in the bath?

Shilpa Shetty has been named the second most hazardous substance on earth, beating both weapons grade Plutonium and Lava. Though highly dangerous to look at or touch Shilpa was still denied the top spot by popular Cunt, Tom Hanks.

Shilpa is now on her second international incident following a heated hand shandy with John Malcovich.

Mr Malcovich told us;

"This had nothing to do with me whatsoever. I was fellating a Moose in California at the time of the incident."

India is said to be outraged, for a change, and effigies of Ben & Jerry have been burning throughout the land.

A spokesman for Ben & Jerry told us;

"I don't know how we got dragged into all this as we only produce quality icecream but there it is."

In reaction to the incident the US has imposed sanctions on Shilpa. During a press conference Ronald Dumpsfeld told us;

"If we can stop all trade with this woman we can hopefully limit the damage she can cause. We are particularly concerned with the current levels of turd trade in and out of her."

Invasion plans have been drawn up in anticipation of the failure of the sanctions.

"Obviously we'll give the sanctions time to take effect, possibly a few days, but then a tactical pre-emptive assault will be imminent."

It is widely believed US forces will enter Shilpa Shetty up her Kyhber Pass.

Star of the Month: Nigella Lawson!

Those born under the star of Nigella Lawson need to take extra care of their legs this coming weekend. A knee related injury is on the cards and this may involve Lettuce of the Knee Bone. On the 29th you will contract Syphillis.

Nigella Lawson is an Earth sign and those born within her influence will undoubtedly be feeling inadequate in many ways. Common ailments associated with this star are Crooked Man-Trumpet and Crusty Flangitis. Neither ailment is fatal but both are socially unnacceptable.

Your lucky number this month is Q.

WARNING: Astromological readings provided by Russell Crowe.



Please note; there is no Star of the Month for Febuary. Studies have shown that people born within this month do not actually exist.