The Secret Diary of Flid Boy. An everyday superhero

My name is Derek but everyone calls me Flid Boy and I need operations.

A new boy started in our class yesterday. His name is Jib Jab and he comes from PacManistan. He likes to piss in a bucket and has never touched a biscuit. He wears a big fuck off hat and sandals. Miss Hindley, our religious education teacher, says Jib Jab worships Harry Seacombe, though I think He was having a laugh when He created Jib Jab.

Father Callaghan has invented a new way of predicting the weather, by sticking his finger up my ass. The stinky finger technique for weather forecasting is relatively new in the world of meteorology. Father Callaghan says if I tell anyone they won’t believe me because I’m French and everyone knows the French don’t exist.

I don’t want to be French :-(

Johnny Jacobson the Jew had his knob cut off. It’s part of his religion. Fucking Nazis'.

Mom says by the time I’m 15 I’ll be blind and have to shit in a bag. I’m going to get laser eyes when I’m blind. I wish I was blind now. Madigan says if I touch my solider excessively I’ll go blind. I don’t believe him. I fiddled with myself all night last night and I still have eyes. I even let MacGyver lick my soldier’s helmet.

As Jim Bowen always said, “Super. Spastic. Smashing. Great. Japseye!”