Star of the month: Dave Dickinson!

There is trouble afoot for those born within the influence of Dave Dickinson.

On the 15th you will be mistaken for a Mahogany table and sold at auction for a disappointing profit. Woodworm also feature heavily this month and you may find your legs become unusable due to rising damp on the 21st.

A good polish up with some Mr Sheen will do you the world of good and may bring an unexpected love suprise from an oversexed pervert of some kind, possibly a tramp.

Dave Dickinson is a wood sign and as such those born within his influence will have a tendency to stand still in forests for long periods of time. They do however make exceptional furniture.

Dave Dickinsons should have limited social interaction with the world as human contact will tend to make them act like a deranged Oompa Loompa.

Your lucky number is: Cheap as chips.

Warning: Astromological readings provided by Russell 'is that my Vagina?' Crowe.