That's france, not France.

Latest EU resolutions have robbed france of the right to a capital F. Due to their ongoing fictional status france will no longer be referred to as France. As of midnight tonight anybody caught pronouncing france with a capital F will be in for hefty fines and/or public sodomy.

French ministers reacted in typical garlic fashion earlier today at a meeting to finalise the resolution. The meeting ended in tears and with several crates of eggs dropped unceremoniously on the rather nice carpet.

We have translated their comments into a sensible language;

"Zees iz un ootrage! Oour country iz de bollocks de Europe no matter eef it eez fictional or no. We have ze right to ze capital F, zees are our rights that Napoleon fought for. Arc de Triumph! Quatre Chien! Eef zis resolution eez passed eet will be LA WAR!"

Member states voted unanimously to remove the capital F.

Ernest Borgnine, Head of Housekeeping, told us;

"War with the french is considered a sport in some of our member states. I'm sure they'd relish the idea of another game. Besides there is little to fear from a fictional country such as france, especially now they are bereft of a capital F. They have lost a lot of power and influence in the world today."

Reaction to the news on the fictional streets of france is bitter. The taste of stale onions is abound and some fear riots are near to eruption. The mood of this nation is plain ugly. One fictional frenchman told us;


"J'Frenchie et j'fictionale! Merde off Englander pigs!"

Citizens of the fictional country of france have also lost all right to refer to themselves as French and must now use the term, french.

Mr Borgnine explained further;

"The lead up to this started in 1999, it's taken a long time to get this far. We can no longer tolerate a member state that not only is fictional but also exports fictional produce. Fictional apples are no good for supermarket shelves. It just isn't good for business and it's not proper that they should have equal rights to the rest of us who produce 100% factual goods. This resolution will put a stop to all that and france will have two options, become real or fuck off. We know the former to be impossible so, well..."

The USA has raised concern over the redistribution of the capital letter as it will spell a major power shift in Europe; an area already described by George W Bush as "confusing". The UK is hoping to gain a third capital letter to boost export. Germany have requested a second capital letter, wishing to become GermAny in a bid to move on from the War, and the other war before that. There is however talk of the capital letter being bestowed to one of the newer member states.

Mr Borgnine;

"Some feel that it would help welcome one of the newer countries onto the world stage. A second capital letter could do wonders for somewhere like Estonia. I think it's wonderful idea."

Tony Blair announced that if anyone wishes to join the potential war on france they should meet in Dover on the 14th May at 12:00pm. Invasion begins after tiffin and a rowdy sing song (BYOB). Gordon Brown is said to be already preparing a speech.


Geri Halliwell has pledged her support for our boys and said;

"I'll suck them all as they go off and I'll suck them all as they come on back. I'm game for anything me."

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround