Man Matters - Cock Clinic
Complete Organ Failure by Dr Larry BadjobMasturbation should be an integral part of every man’s daily routine. Just one session a day will ensure good mental health in later years (French Stroke Foundation, 2005). Problems arise however, if masturbation becomes excessive. If left unchecked excessive masturbation will result in Complete Organ Failure (C.O.F.) and respiratory arrest. Use the formula below to discover if you are at an increased risk of C.O.F:
Age x Wank Sessions per day / Stroke Rate = C.O.F. Risk
If your Risk Factor is greater than 0.38 immediately contact your local Cock Doctor for advice.
C.O.F. can be divided into three stages, depending upon the progression of the disease.
Stage 1 - Cock Specific Diseases
Stage 2 - Cock Malfunction
Stage 3 - End Stage
Stage 1 symptoms consist of Cock Rust, Cock Mustard and Cock Cabbage. Studies in Sweden suggest there is a link between excessive masturbation and lumpy Loin Sauce. This link may be a tenuous one as the Swedish experiments were carried out on lions. Cock Specific Diseases are easily treated with antibiotics.
Examples of Cock Specific Diseases
Stage 2 symptoms consist of a severe bending of the cock at peculiar angles, chronic zinc deficiency and wank induced psychosis. David Attenborough believes that Cock Malfunction is an evolutionary safety mechanism built into the body to stop Man excessively masturbating. Treatment is through Cock Hormone Replacement Therapy. Semen is harvested from the bollocks of living albino gorillas and injected directly down the japseye.
Examples of Cock Malfunction
Stage 3 symptoms consist of Complete Organ Failure leading to respiratory arrest. Only palliative care can be administered in End Stage C.O.F.'s. The sufferer will experience a slow, painful and humiliating death.
A wank a day keeps the doctor away. Touch wood, play safe and stay cocktastic. God Bless.
Categories: Dr Larry Badjob
posted by Winston Q Niles at 14:07
6 Comments:
Dear Doctor Badjob, I fear I may be infested with cock cabbage. My wife is disatisfied with the taste, would you recommend a cheese sauce to compliment?
16:59
Doctor Badjob, what would your recommendation be for a case of cock mustard? Should I fuck filthy hoes to obtain it or merely pick a hole at the local slut palace and take pot luck? I am currently masturbating at the rate of exchange.
17:04
I'm so fed up of reading about made up sexual diseases such as herpes, thrush and gonorrhoea. It's so nice to see an expert in the field taking the subject seriously. I visited my GP the other day with a vicious case of leaping cock mustard. He suggested I leave before he kicked my bollocks in. My wank ration needs some improvement, are there any jazz mags you would recommend?
03:14
Do you have any advice on the treatment of mushrooms of the crap valley? I have seen a lot of action in the anal penisular and am keen to get my brown star for said action but fear no fucker will touch it now with mushrooms up it.
03:27
DISCLAIMER: Dr Badjob is not, nor has ever been a general practitioner. He has,however, extensive knowledge of C.O.F through personal experience and is recognised as a potential biohazard in many European countries. Any views expressed in the article 'man matters' are those of Dr Badjob and not endorsed by the authors of this site. Any prescriptions supplied by said 'Doctor' should be burned immediately.
08:17
Dear J Hoover
A cheese sauce to compliment your cock cabbage is a wonderful idea. Personally I would recommend Earl Heinz's 4 knob cheese sauce. Just add the contents of a sachet to 4 quarts of heavy water, apply liberally to penis and bake at fahrenheit 451 for thirty five minutes. Your wife will be overjoyed with the results. Stay cocktastic
15:38
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