Man Matters - Lord of the Ring

This month Dr Larry Badjob examines your anus - Perforated bum drum

The bum drum is a thin piece of skin that separates the outer ring piece from the middle anus (the outer ring piece is what we know as the asshole or brown star). The middle anus sits behind the bum drum and helps with underwater breathing. Behind this is the inner anus, which responds to gravitational forces and lets your brain know the relative position of your ass in space time.

The bum drum is an evolutionary safety mechanism that stops objects accidentally slipping up your ass. When working correctly the bum drum provides an airtight and leak proof seal to the middle anus. When the bum drum is damaged it doesn't work so well.

The causes of a perforated bum drum are usually from trauma or infection. A perforated bum drum can occur:

• If the ass is struck squarely with an open hand
• After a sudden explosion
• If an object is inserted too far into the anal canal
• Through sudden pressure changes such as underwater driving
• Through bacterial or fungal infection of the anal canal
• Through age realted wear and tear

Once the bum drum is compromised the brain sends signals to the sphicters (muscles that control and guard the middle anus) to completely expel the bum drum from the body.

Most perforated bum drums heal spontaneously within weeks of rupture. Perforated bum drums which do not heal on their own may require open ass surgery.

An incision is made along the anal crevice allowing the cheeks to be separated. The bum drum is lifted and put back into the correct position. Packing is rammed up the anal canal to stop your ass falling out. If your hole is very small, it may be possible to perform the operation without any external scars.

About 80-95% of surgeries are a success, but around 10% will fail at some point leaving a bigger hole.

A perforated bum drum can be readily prevented. Do not insert objects up your pooh chute, even to clean it. Foreigners should only be removed from the anal canal by a qualified proctologist. If you have bum ache for longer than two days visit your bum doctor immediately. And remember - don't be ashamed.

Categories: Dr Larry Badjob