Leo Sayer: Thunder in my pants, again.

Leo Sayer is again enjoying chart success approximately 100 years after his last single was shot on humanitarian grounds. Currently residing at Number One with Meck's shit-fest, Thunder in my heart again, Leo has enjoyed a resurgence in popularity. So much so that Oliver Stone has decided to put his story on the big screen. Kurt Russell is set to play the circus midget gone wild.

We have Dick Shavings' nephew, Willie Fluff, with us on work experience so we sent him along to catch up with the pint-sized prick.

Leo Sayer faced a continual stream of misery and failure; performing midget dances on a rug outside a local John Menzies, his former successes a tragic memory of a memory of a memory. That is until Meck picked up an old copy of 'Thunder in my heart' and thought...hang on a minute. A film was bound to follow.

Leo told us about his reaction to it all;

"When I heard the news of the film I was dancing round the streets of London like a raving homosexual! What with the number one and all the bookings that have been coming in I haven't been able to stop touching myself up! I think I'm possibly having up to ten wanks a day. It's un-fucking-believable!"

He explained what his part will be in the film.

"Mr Stone just wants me to provide background though he did say I might get to play a small part as my Dad. It's perfect really as the family resemblance is uncanny; they'll have to black me up however. I hear Kurt Russell is coming to stay with me for a month to get a feel. Whatever he wants from me, I'm game. I'll have to clean the old motor home out though."

Leo Sayer was raised a devout Catholic and attended regular Sunday buggerings.

"I still follow the faith but have less time now to see my Priest for a poke up the wrong 'un. I'm hoping the film will focus more on my career in music from about '67 onwards. There was a time in the late 1970's when my hair was so big I was asked to perform on a lot of Afro Reggae Funk albums just to authenticate them as true Afro. I don't remember much about it as I had by then got myself addicted to Brasso. Brass polish abuse was very chic back then. I used to take a rag soaked in Brasso on stage with me. Nobody knew anything about it."

We asked Leo about his early years;

"My Dad said that for the first five years of my life they thought I was a Chimpanzee due to my excessive afro; which then covered my entire body. It was the Chimpanzee Taxes of 1943 that led to my being shaved. Dad was going to sell me to the circus but it was Mum who suggested I be shaved and it was then they discovered that I was indeed human. I think Dad still planned to sell me to the circus once the appropriate laws were passed. Mum said my hair was my special gift to the world and that I couldn't not share it. That would be like shitting on God's table and she beat me until I agreed to take up singing and dancing like a deranged midget. Thanks Mum!"

Leo was keen to return to the subject of his current success.

"I've obviously had to jazz myself up a bit for gigs now. I was looking around at some of the young girls in the clubs and noticed a lot of this UV make-up being used. It blew my mind and I thought I was having a Brasso flashback but I soon realised what it was and thought...that's the look Leo. So for my first booking I absolutely covered myself in the stuff, I mean head to toe thick layers, and I thought...yeah, I'll be the business in this shit. Trouble was I forgot how hot stage lighting gets and all this UV make-up basically started to harden up. 30 minutes into the show and I was baked solid like a right twat. I couldn't move a muscle and it took them an hour to chip it all off. I've kept to silver trousers and a tassled leather jacket since."

Manbush! The Leo Sayer Chronicles will be released in June. Leo Sayer is expected to have milked his current notoriety dry by 2007.

This has been Willie Fluff, hoping Uncle Dick won't beat me for this.

Categories: Dick Shavings Column