Sylvester Stallone to play Professor Stephen Hawking in Death Race 3000

Sylvester Stallone, once voted by his high school teachers the student most likely to end up in the electric chair, is to play Professor Stephen Hawking in Death Race 3000. With his trademark sneer, lazy eyes and slurred speech, Mr Stallone gave us this interview.

Sylvester Stallone, "I studied acting at the Angie Dickinson School of Modern Death Jazz Dance. At the time it was the only way to avoid the draft for Vietnam. Let's get one thing focking clear, I'm no pussy but I didn't wanna fight no China man, and I fucking hate the Canadians. Everyone was there - Tom Hanks, Mel Gibson, Barbara Streisland and Fozzie Bear. Angie was a complete bitch. Hell, I even tried to run away to the fictional country of France.

I got my first break in the Ewok porn classic, Lords of Muffbush. I played testicle number 3. It was only a minor role but they let me get my cock out a lot off set. Then in 1976 I made Rocky. I showed the world I was the biggest thing in my life. I gave a lot of people the bum's rush. I started to hang out with Tom Hanks, Lena Zavaroni and Lionel Blair. I was bigger than Benson and Hedges for fuck's sake. I was a right cunt.

Then I made the unholy mistake of starring in Tango and Cash alongside Kirk Douglas. Things went from bad to fucking shit bad. I made Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot! Judge Dredd. Cop Land. Get Carter and D-Tox. The list is fucking endless. I once even sued myself for investing in Planet Hollywood. I've made a complete wanking tit of myself. It was like God saying, Fuck you Stallone. You Italian Bastard.

I first read about Stephen Hawking in his book, The Nutty Professor. I realised Hawking was more than just a spastic in a chair. The Nutty Professor profoundly affected my life. I realised there's a spastic inside every one of us, just trying to get out. I also discovered that gravity gets into everything, even cheese.

Playing Stephen Hawking is going to be the most intellectually challenging role I've had to face after playing Weaver in Antz. I've done some serious research to get into the psyche of Stephen Hawking. I've watched a lot of Ironside, learned mime and I've even had a fitting downstairs. I'm still afraid that once I get in the chair I'm going to fall flat on my face and shit my pants.

One of the reasons for choosing to play Hawking is my age, and my enlarged testes. I just thought it was time to play someone who didn't have to walk anywhere.

In Death Race, I see Hawking as a superhero in a chair. Like Superman after he broke his neck. I intend to emphasize the special relationship Hawking has with his chair. There won't be any gayness. It'll be like Michael Keaton and Kitt in Knight Rider. Hawking's chair is his chariot and together they fight to save the world from the destructive forces of physics. They'll have to contend with big explosions, loud noises and lots of CGI aliens. Yuen Wo Ping will choreograph the fight sequences. Death Race 3000 will go places no other chair bound person has been before."

After I called Mr Stallone a cunt, he beat the shit out of me and left quietly. This is Dick Shavings in partial paralysis.



Categories: Dick Shavings' Column