Ron Jeremy launch successful

Ron Jeremy has today launched himself into space in an attempt to divert the course of the asteroid due to hit Tom Hanks in 2019.
(Read more about this story @http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2005/12/tom-hanks-in-asteroid-collision.html)

The asteroid, first detected on 11th December 2005, is said to have grown to a colossal 20km in width and could possibly contain information from around the time of the creation of Carps.

An Astronomer told us,

"We would dearly love to get hold of some of the matter within this Asteroid. We think it may give us important leads as to when and why Carps was created and also possibly his exact current whereabouts. I think Ron Jeremy may be able to capture some of this material within his Japs Eye but local contamination may make the samples unusable."

Jeremy's audacious plan was thought up over cocktails at the infamous Hollywood bar, Useless Cunts.

"We were all sitting around; me, Tom Selleck, Uma Thurman and Danny Devito and we had just heard the news about the asteroid. We were in a state of shock really, I mean you just don't know if it's going to be you in the firing line next. We all agreed on what a cunt Tom really is but I thought to myself; no, we're meant to be a family here, a big family of useless cunts and if Tom's got an asteroid bearing down on him then, so have I. I resolved to do something about it and started to sketch my plan out on some napkins."

Ron took his plans to NASA but they were quickly dismissed as childish cockwash.

"I was devastated. There seemed no hope except to release a charity record with some of my Hollywood chums. But then John Travolta mentioned he had been building a full scale space rocket in his loft for the past year. Well, that was it. The launch was scheduled for the following week whilst I gathered a few provisions for the journey; boiled sweets and some decent toilet paper."

It is estimated that Jeremy will reach optimum strike range within three to four years travelling at pornosonic speeds. He plans to space walk from his ship into the direct path of the asteroid then use his immense penis to twat it out of it's intended trajectory.

"It's kinda like any game of baseball except it's totally different. I've been told that this asteroid is fucking huge but that doesn't worry me as my cock has a volume of 40,000 Sq Hectares."

It is estimated that the force of impact on Jeremy's cock could result in extreme trauma and any loss of blood in this area will cause the instantaneous death of the star.

"Well, travelling at 28km per second this bad boy's gonna be coming in hard and fast. There's huge potential for a cock rupture so I've had my helmet covered in egg boxes as a precautionary measure. I'm sure I can do this, not just for Tom, but for cunts everywhere."

Jeremy has yet to confirm details of how he will return to Earth but states,

"I'll have plenty of time to figure that out once I'm up there."

Ron Jeremy will be visible to the naked eye for a further two days before his trajectory takes him further out into the Solar System.

A NASA spokesman told us,

"If Ron Jeremy is successful we will still fire Tom Hanks into space come 2019 as he will be of no further use. We are planning to issue a commemorative stamp in honour of his achievement."

In other news, Tom Hanks' chronic cuntism has worsened and doctors fear he is reaching end stage PVS.

Five facts you didn't know about Ron Jeremy:

* 98.7% of Ron Jeremy's blood supply resides in his penis, subsequently the remainder of his body is numb and flaccid throughout the winter.

* Although Ron Jeremy's penis has a volume of 40,000 sq hectares a further 20,000 sq hectares exist in the fourth dimension.

* Ron Jeremy is only 2 inches tall and uses a block and winch to mount a lady.

*Ron Jeremy's body is so pink that it is now included in the DULUX colour range.

*Ron Jeremy takes two bottles into the shower.

Categories: Tom Hanks