The Adventures of Phillip Hitech: The Jerk.

Steve Martin is at it again. Not satisfied with the travesty that was his Sergeant Bilko remake he has decided to have a pop at The Pink Panther. Convinced there is more to this than a sad comedian clutching at straws, we had Dick Manly pay him a visit.

Steve Martin is a man who likes to talk. His mouth flaps, his eyebrows wriggle but really all that can be heard is a plaintive 'wah wah wah'. Any interview with this man has so far resulted in confusion on all sides. In an attempt to break through the communication barrier I resorted to a can of petrol, a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. My Pa always told me that there's nothing better than the stench of burning flesh to concentrate the mind.

After an hour of privacy with him I can now bring you the horrifying facts behind Steve Martin and his 'master plan'. He ain't pretty no more.

"It might be the loss of blood talking but yes, I confess. I'm not funny and haven't been for a long time, probably longer than a lot of the public realise. My last funny film was 'The Jerk' and that was in 1979. It was my first major film role so I knew I was in trouble."

"Luckily it was an eventuality that I'd prepared myself for. I already knew I was no good when I was doing the Sonny and Cher Comedy hour way back in '71. They had to bring in comedy-doubles to deliver a lot of my punchlines. I don't think anyone noticed. Richard Pryor stood in for me a couple of times but he proved to be too funny and the seams started to show in my cover-up. I got him addicted to all kinds of shit just to fuck him up. I reasoned that if I could afford to get all the comedians in the world addicted to Horse then I would be the only one left coherent enough to star in films. It would be an impossible mission. Then it hit me."

At this point in the interview I decided to take Martin off the boil and start working on his toenails with the pliers.

"I figured it would be cheaper to just remake all the classic comedy films and then buy all the originals in the world and destroy them. Then I would be the single greatest comedian ever. The world would be mine! Don't get me wrong, I didn't think it would be easy. I knew I would still

have to try and make my own films funny just to get the capital together to do this. So I started using a complex series of mirrors on set to try and boost my meagre comedic ability. It seemed to work out. I think the next time I was reasonably funny was on 'Planes, trains and automobiles' but I think that was more down to John Candy, the fat fucker. I think to be really funny you have to either die or be real fat and Candy had them both in spades. Just like that James Belushi bloke."

(Dick Manly) "John Belushi."

"No, it was definitely James. Anyway, by the time I did 'Parenthood' a lot of my preparation was complete. It was a long process but I finally got Sgt Bilko done in 1995 and now Phil Silvers is history. I still have a few copies of the Phil Silvers show to track down but soon my version of Sgt Bilko will be the only reference anyone has for him. Brilliant. It was only natural to go after Sellars next."

"I predict that by 2020 I will have become the funniest and only comedian recognised in the world. I'm already working on a remake of 'Young Frankenstein'. I'm going to have to grow my hair all curly to really get Wilder right but he's going down. If I direct it I can take Mel Brooks out at the same time. Laurel and Hardy could prove tricky but I think my mirrors could come in handy to double me up on set."

It's incredible to believe that Steve Martin is able to fund this project all by himself. I felt sure that there had to be some shadowy money man in the background.

"Oh no, no. I've been doing some research in my spare time. I'm on the cusp

of finally proving Sausages to be the most intelligent food in the world, way above Asparagus. The revenue from that discovery could fund at least 20 more films. After that I'm working on creating the world's thermostat in my bedroom. Think of the implications."

There appears to be no end to Martin's unstoppable evil as he explained how he intended to systematically rid the world of comedy. I considered taking him out myself but my monkey lawyer advised me of the legalities surrounding murder. With the interview finished I settled down to just hurting him bad for a while. He'll never walk again and will probably be crying like a bitch well into next year.