Leaping Fuck!

This was the scene today in Lambeth as thousands of sweaty cunts gathered for the release of a new and dangerous food substance; Kebabuana. We sent our intrepid reporter, Dick Manly to take a peek and perhaps grab some free samples.

Dick Manly reports;

It's 0500hrs in the AM and activity surrounding Abe Lincoln's Olde Kebab Castle, Lambeth, is frenetic. Not since my days covering the Ho Chi Min trail in '69 have I witnessed such human savagery on such an epic scale. Charlie has overrun the perimeter and the chefs at Abe Lincoln's are serving hand to hand Kebabs. Reports have come in that so far there have been 17 fatalities and that fresh shipments of meat are being scavenged from local pet stores to hold off the swelling masses.

I was able to fight a path through the crowd and headed straight for the CO on the ground. Here's what he had to say.

"We just didn't realise the response this was gonna get. It's fucking insane really. Some of my staff are being treated for flash burns and there have been several fat related incidents so far. I just don't know what's coming next."

At the heart of this unholy conflict lies the cause: Kebabuana. A dangerous variant of Kebab and Marijuana. The British Medical Association declared,

"This is undoubtedly the biggest threat Western civilisation has ever faced. Bigger than piles."

Keen to pursue that devil called truth, I grilled the CO over a medium heat.

"The idea came from Head Office, perhaps even Abe himself. The idea was to save time for the average clubber who really wants to just eat, get high and fuck when they get home. I heard it came to Abe when he accidentally ate a joint with his Kebab and before he knew it he was ass-naked, running through the streets of York demanding 'service'. But that may be totally untrue."

Astonishingly he told me,

"I see no danger with this stuff, perhaps if people have more than one, maybe but I have complete faith in this product. We don't give a flying fuck about the classification debate either."

The interview ended as a group of customers broke through final defences and invaded the command post. A supply drop of beef was called in on their own position. Few of them survived.

In the interest of research I had Irvin, my back up camera man, consume a Kebabuana. Within minutes he was acting like Jim Bowen and expressing a fondness for social freedom.

Irvin: A short time after consuming Kebabuana.

Irvin: 40 minutes after consuming Kebabuana.
Irvin: 72hrs later.

Irvin entered a state of religious ecstasy and signed up for several Charitable organisations whilst under the influence of Kebabuana. His bodyhair mass had increased by over forty percent. Let that be warning enough.

I spoke with an employee of Abe Lincoln's who was prepared to blow the whistle. He wouldn't let us take a photo but was happy for me to draw him.

"The strength of the weed they're using here is way off the scale. It's suicide, you can't even smoke this shit without being a whole continent away from it. They don't care. The policy is just to keep selling. They don't care if you buy one or ten, it's bullshit that they're being responsible with this."

"I think it's all just to recoup the terrible loss they made on the Scorpion Kebab. That was equally dangerous but it didn't cause this kind of hysteria. People are forming new religions out there. The Ministry of Sound are gonna be hosting a club night here and E.L.O are thinking of reforming. There's already five raves and two love-ins going on out there. It's out of all control, like the '60's all over again."

The failed Scorpion Kebab. Could it be responsible?

Whatever the reason behind the creation of Kebabuana, society is still left to work out how to pay the price. I spoke to a Lambeth Council spokesperson.

"This is an untennable situation. It's not even been 24hrs since this has gone on sale and already the pavement outside Abe Lincoln's has been declared a communist state. We absolutely cannot allow E.L.O to reform and must do something before it's too late."

In my opinion it's already far too late.

This has been Dick Manly......On point.

Over and out.