Consent to Treatment: The Tom Hanks story.

George Lucas has announced he will commence filming of 'Consent to Treatment: The Tom Hanks story' this Spring. Lucas has recently returned from the 1970's where he is said to have been reliving past glories.

Speaking from the Larry Hagman Institute of Applied Creams, where Hanks is currently receiving treatment, Lucas told us;

"I want to highlight the issue of Cuntism and also secondary PVS (Persistant Vegetative State). As you know, Cuntism is a huge problem within the film industry. I have myself suffered bouts of Cuntism throughout my life but none of us have suffered quite to the degree poor old Tom has. I'm setting out to prove that Tom wasn't always a Cunt. It's gonna be hard but I think with a complete fabrication of his life so far I can pull it off."

News of the film has generated a lot of interest from major league actors, also keen to do their bit to highlight Cuntism and it's devastating effects.

Tom Cruise told us,

"I'd relish the idea of playing this Cunt. Katie keeps telling me I'd be well suited for the part and we have the same name which will help make it less confusing on set."

Lucas quashed any rumours of Cruise's involvement.

"There's no way I'm having that cunt in it. Shit me, no way. I'm approaching Gary Oldman for the lead. I think he could bring a certain gritty, urban, realness to the part and I think that's how Tom would describe himself. Gritty, urban and real."

We asked Lucas what form his Biopic might take;

"I see Tom Hanks as a kind of Indiana Jones type character and the film may feature Nazis and treasure, I'm not sure yet. There is absolutely no need for any CGI in this film so I have made up a few scenes to enable me to Green Screen the whole thing and get some effects in there. I know Tom Hanks didn't build and fly the Spirit of St Louis, nor was he the planet's first ever Star Commander but that's what film making's all about."

"I'm really looking forward to exploring the mythology of modern Cuntism and may make reference to the dark side of the Cunt; the Asshole, though Orlando Bloom will probably only have a walk on part as Tom's fictional son, Horatio."

Lucas expects to finish filming late next year.

We took the opportunity to speak with Tom Hanks' Medical team. We asked if Tom had any reaction to the news of the film.

"Tom doesn't react to very much nowadays. The most recent tests show that due to deterioration of bodily systems from PVS, only his Japs eye has any feeling left. To be honest there's little hope for him. He now sits propped up in bed, smothered in his own faeces staring at a mirror. We've hooked him up to various kinds of life support but have recently found that two parrots in an incubator seem to do the trick. If his physical state does not improve soon we may have to begin amputating infected limbs. Though, considering the exstensive level of infection with this patient we may be left with just a head. It's still being considered as a possible treatment option."

Studio bosses are reluctant to approve the surgery however as Tom Hanks is still able to be operated with machinery.

"As long as Tom can still be operated by machinery we will continue to star him in any film we choose to. It's relatively simple these days to add Tom Hanks to a movie at a later stage and we've been doing that since 2001."

'Consent to Treatment: The Tom Hanks story' will follow the lead set by Stallone's 'Death Race3000' by releasing a brail version for the deaf.

'Death Race3000' follows the life and works of professor Stephen Hawking and his battle with CGI aliens and gravity. It bears no relation to Tom Hanks whatsoever.


Categories: Tom Hanks