Lost Da Vinci sketch unearthed!

Historians verified that a sketch found in Mrs Lilly Upton's back fanny garden is, indeed, an original Da Vinci; possibly placed there for safe keeping way back in the 1980's. The sketch features several studies of ropey old hookers from the olden days. Experts believe that pictured between the two uppermost whores is a design for an early form of Mirkin.

Prof Flem Knightsbury:

"Dave Vince was an extremely productive man. On some days he was known to clock up about 78 litres of Spunk and that's going some. We all know about his many talents, in particular his designs for flying machines and the like but we really weren't expecting to find evidence of any work in the field of sexual deviance. If this is indeed a mirkin and can be verified as such it will have great scientific importance."

But that's not the only surprise the sketch brought.

Da Vinci lived during the time of early Hand Spankery when fist techniques were at their crudest. The Five Knuckle Shuffle was at least one hundred years in the future and the Monkey spank was in it's infancy. Da Vinci, with his three foot brain, set to work.

Prof Charles Urwin Norris-Tennison:

"We X-rayed the sketch and when I saw what we had I involuntarily spermed in my pants. Da Vinci had been working on a design for a Flying Wank Chariot. Perhaps he got bored, perhaps he realised that nature had already created the perfect mash implement in the hand but he eventually rubbed it out and began sketching ropey old hookers and mirkins, possibly, again. It is a truly earth shattering discovery in the world of Hand spankery and I suspect even in the wider world."

Mrs Lilly Upton told us,

"It's filthy and disgusting. I didn't think Da Vinci was like that. I didn't even know he had a penis! Now I am deeply shocked and want no part of this."

Griff Rhys Jones, Rory McGrath and Dara O'Brien have stated that they will attempt to recreate a Flying Wank Chariot live on TV and fly it to the fictional country of France for tiffin. The show may be called "Three cunts in a Flying Wank Chariot" but they cannot commence work until Jones has finished filming of "Upriver: The Rory McGrath extraction (from ass to ears)."

McGrath has had his head up his ass for a consecutive 1,489 days. He is now surviving on brown air.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround