Dick Shavings has been missing for over two weeks now. We at the Adventures of Phillip Hitech are truly concerned as Dick has not been able to exist in the real world without excessive drug abuse for well over ten years. He may by now of resorted to drinking his own piss in a vain attempt to distill whatever chemicals remain in his system. This man requires 24hour care and should be reported to local authorities if sighted.It is feared several other staff members may be missing with him, noteably Alan Scrotum and Jesus Harold Christ. The group were last sighted at the office pharmacutical party in late February. It is thought possible that they have entered some kind of fourth or even fifth dimension and may be unable to locate the exit. Winston Q Niles has attached a rope to himself and has gone inter-dimensional to guide them out. He may never return as he forgot to attach the rope to anything.
Please post any sightings to this site. Thankyou.
Categories: Dick Shavings Column
posted by Manny Kulkowski at 12:40
9 Comments:
i saw him at temple in newbury. he wanted to light my candle. i said no but we enjoyed a plate of beans and 2% milk. lovely fellow.
08:32
I saw him in Hairy Bob's Tattoo Parlour, high on baloons and PCP. He was having the face of Judith Chalmer's tattooed on his buttocks. He smelt of 12 meat kebab with extra meat.
09:21
I think I might've seen him at DFS, he was sniffing the leather.
12:52
I think I saw Jesus Harold Christ in Woolworths. He was buying Easter eggs and had a very strange smell to him. There were two others with him, one of whom I could swear was Brian 'Shouty actor' Blessed. Hope this helps.
14:22
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15:36
I saw Dick in Sheffield last wednesday. Boy he's a cunt isn't he
03:02
Winston came on me in a dream
08:58
That wasn't Winston, that was God.
23:20
UPDATE: Although Dick Shavings remains at large Winston Q Niles has returned from his inter-dimensional search. He will have to be incubated for a week before he will regain full bodily functions and recognisable speech. Dr Badjob is currently overseeing his rehabilitation in the stationary cupboard. We had to shut the door as the stench of piss and shit was becoming overpowering. Even the monkeys complained and an office riot seemed probable. Dick Shavings is most likely dead by this time. In Dr Badjob's opinion his chances of survival beyond four weeks are a 'complete shit out'. In other news Alan Scrotum was discovered in Sainsbury's winery attempting to steal labels. He is currently blind but feels it won't affect his standard of living. Jesus Harold Christ is still missing. Recent mail orders of large crucifixes are being traced in an attempt to locate him.
23:55
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