Battle of Britain, part 2.

Avian flu threatens our shores.
Pandemonium lurks desperately in the shadows.
A pandemic catastrophy is imminent.
Hospitals are being closed as a precautionary measure but is the government doing enough?

Geoff Capes didn't think so. The World's Beardiest Man was outraged.

"I was outraged." He told us, "I must have pulled at least three tractors up and down my drive before I'd calmed down properly. I think it's disgusting the way the Government has dealt with this issue, it's totally random. I started to thinking about building sky fences to keep the wild birds out but I soon realised how stupid that was. I was tending my Budgies when the idea hit me."

Since retiring from the world of competative Bearding Geoff has become a leading expert on Budgies and has even sired some of his brood himself. Geoff explained.

"Sex with a Budgerigar is difficult but not impossible."

Geoff's beard was brilliant in it's day, besting even the Soviet Union's steroid beards of the time. He had known the wild excesses of success. The money, the drugs, the women.... the ear wax scandals. Why Budgies?

"I was getting a lot of bad advice at the time and it was after my unsuccessful career as a computer game that I moved on to Budgies. It seemed natural as I often had a Budgie about my person when I was competing. I started raising them largely on Man Milk and Silicone and have grown some big buggers. In fact I think the largest of my brood is about 48ft high but they tend to average at about 20ft, they're fucking terrifying. I mean, even I'm scared and I've got a fantastic beard!"

Geoff plans to form his 20ft Budgies into a fighting force to tackle wildfowl invaders.

"I see them patrolling the skies day and night, perhaps with some kind of guns or missiles attached. I really need to speak to the Airforce first but I think it could be done. I would obviously have to be High Commander and will most likely wear a Budgie costume myself to assert my authority over them. They're fiesty buggers, just the other week they tore my arm from it's socket!"

We asked Geoff what he thought of leaked documents suggesting Fife is to be floated out to sea as part of the long planned and anticipated 'Long Shanks protocol'.

"I couldn't give a flying fuck as long as I get the go ahead for my Budgie idea."

In further news more leaked documents have come to light. Government advisors warn that Avian flu will undoubtedly spread outward from Fife and that the next predicted hotspot is in fact Wales. Plans have been drawn up for Wales to be jettisoned into space forthwith.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround