JESUS HAROLD CHRIST: I'M BACK FROM THE DEAD, MUTHAFUCKERS!!

Following the report on the alleged death of our missing-in-action staff writer Jesus harold christ, further breaking news has come to our attention (as if you hadn't guessed what it is from the title...?)

It seems the "bigman" is not actually dead after all.

After news reached us from Jeff the methodist, we were able to track down jesus harold christ at a secret location. After kicking the shit out of him for not turning up at Hitech towers for the last two months, he gave us this statement:

"My children, many of you have been mourning my recent departure to "the other side" (wherever the hell that is??), I must say unto you all, I'M BACK FROM THE DEAD, MUTHAFUCKERS!!

I feel I must firstly pray for your souls, as I would hope you have been doing unto me; if not, I know who you are, and I'll be round with a few religious heavies to sort thyselves right out. I must verily make apologies for my recent hiatus, for I have sinned, my children, and have dissobeyed the eleventh commandment - "thou shalt not overindulge at the office pharmaceutical party and get away with it". For my recent wrongdoings, I have been chastised soundly by my brothers at Hitech towers. I am still bearing the wounds on my hands, feet and side, and have a jagged scar around my head.

To the chavs who nicked my bike: blessed is he who returns the holy bike of christ, and listen unto me: if I don't get it back, I'll turn you into mongs. Now go forth, and bring me painkillers. These wounds are really fucking sore"



(Jesus will be spending the next few weeks in the priory clinic, and undergoing psychotherapy with the ridiculously-name Beechy colclough)






Categories: Unclassified