NHS denies all responsibility.

In 2006 a crack nursing unit was made redundant by a Government minister for crimes they did not commit.
These men promptly escaped to the Sheffield area underground.
Today, still wanted by the Government, they survive as Nurses of fortune.
If you have a problem.
If no-one else can help and if you can find them.
Maybe you can hire the NURSENARIES.



Mrs Flora Spreadable, 90yrs old and incredibly creamy, told us;

"It happened yesterday you know dear. I had accidentally phoned for an ambulance whilst I'd got myself into a bit of a dither trying to pay my Channel X subscription over the phone. The fact my fingers are each about a metre across has never helped with dialling. I had no idea what I had done, I just thought I had paid up for another month of knuckle-deep frigging."

Mrs Spreadable, once voted most likely to piss herself and grow a beard at her local Bingo night, had in fact unleashed the tsunami that is the NURSENARIES.


"First thing I knew about it was this van flying through my bay window. Of course it landed right on me and I was instantly crushed. They didn't seem to notice as they jumped out and began constructing a stair lift using all the metalwork and mechanised devices in my house. To be fair to them they had a very catchy theme tune with a rather jolly middle eight and they did a good job on the stairlift. I now have no plumbing or heating and the house has been condemned. I'm not allowed back and may have to go into a home."

But Flora's ordeal was far from over.

"When they finally saw me this big fellow just picked me up and threw me inside the van and drove off. I remember there was a chase, it may have been the Police or Columbian drug lords I'm not sure. There was a lot of shooting and explosions. From where I was I saw at least two cars explode into complete fireballs. Nobody appeared badly hurt luckily. When they reached the Hospital they just threw me out of the back. They didn't stop. That's when the lights went out. I thought I'd had me chips for sure!"

Early reports of wounded from the high speed pursuit include several cases of slight concussion, a bent lady-finger and a hot Latte spilt over the groin.

Mrs Flora Spreadable is now recovering on the pavement near to the Hospital and states her treatment to be 'adequate if non-existant'.

"They tell me I might have to be shot to save costs. I'll find out tomorrow but if this is care in the community I don't want anything to do with it."

Police suspect the NURSENARIES may be using frequency scanners to intercept emergency calls.

Detective Jim Rockford told us;

"We feel that this wasn't planned. It didn't just come together either. It's random health care at it's worst."

In other news Patricia Hewitt has announced plans to adopt the 'Sweeney Model of community care' in the area of Mental Health; a service earmarked for complete removal and sale to Asia.

This model of nursing was highly effective during the 70's but was phased out due to it's illegality. Government ministers are said to be unconcerned by this and state they have revised the policies to fit today's more progressive practices. Community staff will be issued with 'a shooter and a bit of Polly for the boozer.'

"We are not complete fuckwits you know." One told us.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround