Alistair Stewart: "I'm made of cardboard and I love it!"

During an in-depth interview with The Adventures of Phillip Hitech, Alistair Stewart confessed his long standing secret. He is indeed a cardboard cut-out parading as a man.

"Yes, I am a cardboard cut-out and have been for as long as I can remember."

The presenter of Police Camera Action told us;

"It's never held me back but it has limited me to what TV roles I can accept. I don't do so well in the wind for instance so anything that involves filming outside is out really. Luckily the few scenes I do for Police camera are shot indoors using scale replica cities and towns."

"If there's a scene where I have to, say, walk for instance then I'm just pulled along on a little trolley. The producers are talking about trying new techniques such as sawing my arms and legs in half then re-attaching them using butterfly pins so I can be animated like some poncificated marionette. I can't say I'm too keen on that idea."

We asked the smarmy little git if there were any drawbacks to being made of cardboard.

"No, not really. Well, family barbeques and bonfire night are right out. Obviously fire of any kind is bad for me. It's just not worth the risk. It's largely my wife who isn't too happy about it all as my penis quickly becomes soggy and eventually breaks off during intercourse. Of course it's easily dried out on the radiator and stapled back on but apparently that's not the issue."

And what of accusations that Stewart has stolen his style of presenting from Sherriff John Bunnell?

"That's preposterous. Bunnell is far more wooden than I am. In fact I do believe he is actually made of mahogany. He also has far bigger hair than I do. It's a ridiculous claim."

Alistair Stewart states he will continue to present Police Camera Action and dismisses any plans to replace him with a living human as, "complete cockwash".

"I will continue playing with police officers on the roadside for as long as I am able. I fucking love it."

Stewart refused to comment on the newly minted 69 Krunt piece and vehemently denies ever giving a gob job in the street for anything less than a five bob note.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround