Bleeding orifices on rise.

Latest research shows an alarming increase in the incidence of the medical phenonema known as a 'Male Period'. It indicates that approximately 40% of the world's male inhabitants have already suffered self induced periods following particularly stressful or volatile situations. It is projected that a further 55% will be at high risk of an anal bleed once the World cup has got underway. The remaining 5% may induce anal bleeding from excessive buggery but it is felt this is an unrelated figure.

Although the male Period has recieved little coverage in the press and medical papers it is an affliction that is more common than many realise. The first recorded case was in 1968 during Enoch Powell's infamous 'Rivers of blood' speech. Recently de-classified documents reveal that Mr Powell induced a full period and secretly shed 15 gallons of blood during the event. However, compared to the largest ever recorded Anal bleed that was nothing.

On Saturday 29th April, 2006, Mr Fritz Von Cavanagh was traversing Dam square, Amsterdam. The crowds gathered to celebrate Queen's day simply became too much for him and what followed was an anal bleed of epic proportions. The bleed radius of Mr Von Cavanagh's period was accurately measured at 1 kilometre and was described as spectacularly explosive. Amsterdam has been shut for several days to allow for an extensive clean up operation. Von Cavanagh fled the scene but Dutch experts were able to identify the alarming levels of Knackwurst sausages in the blood and knew they were looking for an extremely bloody German. An eye witness told us;

"I was dancing like a queer on a canal boat at the time and I just heard this almighty shout of 'Minen Gotten! Aaaargh!' then suddenly there was a huge red tidal wave bearing down on us. Luckily we all escaped with our lives but my really gay orange boots are ruined."


With Male periods on the rise we asked Dr Larry Badjob if there is any cure.

"It's unlikely that anyone will be able to sort this one out. I've heard of a research centre in Dubai opening up and they say they're getting positive results but I would still advise anyone in fear of inducing a male period to simply pack their ass with plenty of absorbant material. Fortunately in this day and age there are more products available for this task. Just ask your local pharmacist."

The government has also taken action. Without the hinderance of any actual medical input they have released a pamphlet.

"We see pamphlets as a viable way of treating patients without any actual need to treat them at all. With them in place we feel we can safely shut all of our hospitals."

The world of sport has also taken notice of the issue of male bleeds with sports such as Ice Hockey taking a leading role.

"We're packing all the players up with heavy duty pads before all games as we've suffered many period related incidents in the past. It's time to take this seriously and we just wish Formula One would do the same."

Formula One bosses are refusing to accept responsibility for their drivers despite pressure from groups such as MANBLEED. A MANBLEED representative told us;

"This is an untenable situation. Formula one is highly stressful and it's only a matter of time before someone has a heavy bleed out there. All employers have a duty to their male staff to reduce pressure in the work place and where possible provide the appropriate safety gear."

Formula One bosses refused to comment but sent us a pack of steaming shit through the post.

So it appears a cure is non-existant but the advice remains the same - avoid all stressful situations and if you can't do that...cover your ass. Dr Larry Badjob had this to say;

"If you're too embarrassed to buy some Manpax then at least buy a particularly hairy dog for emergency insertion."

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround