Jesus Harold Christ: "I have seen the future......and it is Hitech."
The Adventures of Phillip Hitech family continues to grow and roll like a rolling stone, laying it's hat wherever it calls it's home.
We have been joined by eminent sociopath, Jesus Harold Christ. He had this to say,
"As you can see I have light shining from my head and my heart, this makes socialising awkward so I'm hoping writing for Hitech will get me laid essentially."
Jesus enjoys nothing better than riding on his bike and performing miracles for small change.
"I have only become rusted twice in my life. Once in my leg and once in my elbow."
Jesus' mum sent in this picture of him with his favourite toy apple.
"Ah, man. I loved that apple. I don't think I would've got through college without it and I still have it to this day."
We asked Jesus if he had any particular pet hates,
"Yeah, when people think the H is for Harry. That really cocks me off."
Jesus will be offering on-line confessionals between the hours of 10&11 every wednesday.
The Adventures of Phillip Hitech now has enough writers to legally invade a third world country.
Categories: Unclassified
posted by Manny Kulkowski at 22:41
28 Comments:
Can he cure my syphillis?
23:40
I saw Christ on his bike the other day. He had cards in his spokes and streamers on the handlebars. What a cunt.
10:29
Lazzo - go in peace to love and serve the lord. Or, alternatively, get yourself an emergency appointment at the cockrot clinic, before the syphilis takes hold and turns you mental. Now go do my bidding, you diseased fuck!
13:51
Hojo, in reply to your comment, is the son of God a cunt if the cards on his spokes are biblical scenes, say from the garden of Gethsemenie for example? The streamers are in celebration of the 4th Sunday after Epiphany, so up yours! I got them fom John the bastard at the Bethlehem open air market, if anyone's interested I can get you a discount on 5 or more purchased at one time. So, in the words of me, thou shalt not dis the holy bicycle of Christ, lest ye be fucked up by his disciples.
13:58
Dear Jesus, I am thinking of taking out a large loan but some friends have told me I might be better off with a balance transfer on a credit card. I am 5'10" and wear beige slacks. What would God do?
16:25
Dear Jesus, I went to the cinema to watch 'The Last Samurai' and found myself rather enjoying the depth of Tom Cruise's performance as American cunt in Japan. Since this experience I have been hiring out more of his films from my local video store. Only yesterday I came home with a copy of 'Eyes wide shut'. Does this make me a bad man? Will I go to hell? Is the devil possessing me?
16:40
Dear J Merrymount, sounds more like early onset of Cuntism to me but hey, I ain't the son of God I'm just a fucking doctor.
17:00
Hey Jesus, is it possible to set the controls for the heart of the sun as the Pink Floyd suggest?
22:32
E gout, according to the gospel of St Puke, whosoever taketh a loan of biblical proportions shall be fucketh over by high interest rates. And how did you manage to get a credit card when you wear BEIGE slacks, for my dad's sakes??
22:48
I am in agreeance with my fellow man Dr. Badjob, a liking for Tom Cruise would indicate the onset of Cuntism, chronic or not. I must confess, my child, I once rented "Eyes wide shut", hoping that mine eyes would see the glory of Nicole Kidman engaging in 2 hours or so of ladylove, with maybe a few minutes of "Cunty Cruise" getting the shit kicked out of him. Alas, it turned out to be a badly-acted psychological drama. At least she got rid of the goofy twat soon after filming. My child Merrymount, you may be interested in my pamphlet, "The path of the righteous man may be beset by episodes of Cuntism from time to time". Send me your details, and I won't bother forwarding anything to you. You sad twat.
22:57
Cheers Jesus but I've got to say beige slacks are nice. They go with my wavy ginger hair. Does it really affect the loan that much? I suppose I could change my trousers but there's fuck all I can do about my hair. Will ginger hair be an issue with the bank?
22:57
Franklin, I too have pondered on this mystery.I did once find the answer, only to come down off my trip some hours later, having forgotten everything. I tried doing more drugs, but overdid it and woke up in a mental hospital. But apparently, if you play "Animals" backwards, all you get is an unintelligable noise. Go forth and spread my word, 'cause I can't be arsed doing it anymore.
23:03
Cheers Jesus, you're the shit!
23:04
Have you never heard of hairdye? Never forget, there's a place in heaven for all my children, even if they're ginger. As long as there's no more than 2, so you'd better die soon or you'll burn in the firey pits of hell. Or be sent to Barrow-in-furness, whichever's cheaper. Beige slacks wearers are, I'm informed, entitled to a much higher APR than normal people. May the love of God be near you, in you, and within you. As long as you sort your hair out.
23:14
Indeed this is true Franklin, and never forget, trust in the lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding. Just in case you're a mong.
23:19
You been reading the fucking bible or something, Jesus?
19:58
Hojo, he who sits in the heavens will laugh at fucking obvious questions (sarlms 2:4)
02:56
He who sits in an armchair doing N20 will be high as fuck, lo only for a while. Fuck the Kingdom of Heaven, bring on the gas!(hojo 23:9)
10:08
Dear Jesus, would you recommend Toilet duck or one of the other toilet cleansers out there. I am so confused.
10:11
lo, hojo my son, verily tis he who partaketh of the double N20 will surely get high about 4 or 5 times, and speak like some kind of victorian dad (jesus fucking christ, 20:20)
22:59
Be not confused my child, for I have seen the light. I would recommend tesco own brand toilet cleaner (not tesco value, that's for mongs and blindos). And always remember, toilet-bowl cleanliness is next to godliness.
23:03
Is it safe to use on my lady kebab too as I can't afford a tub of Clit Cum Clean?
15:06
hello Jesus,I am in a heavy metal band.what is your opinion on this act of heretical damnation of the soul?
12:35
dear jesus, i have recently discovered i have a penis. what should i do with it? i am in my late forties and although married, have never slept with a woman in my life. please help, i feel the need to express myself
11:16
I can sell you a 'Man Pump' for a mere 14.99 excluding P&P. The perfect implement for expressing your manliness. 100 monkeys can't be wrong.
12:42
Phallop,It has been said that heavy metal is the Devil's music. After conversing with the red dude (Satan, not Charles Kennedy), we decided that the Devil doesn't write all the best tunes, and metal is indeed a good and holy music, the only exception being Stryper, or any band named after a motorhead song. Go, eat, this is my shit which I've shitted for you (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John 6:66)
16:51
Wow,I can't believe Jesus told me to eat shit.No wonder the devil has the best tunes.Jesus you are up your own fucking arse and have probably smoked too much "leaf" lately...anybody wanting to make up their own mind about a band named after a Motorhead song check out the 2 pigs Cheltenham,Gloucestershire U.K SAturday March 4th Bands start at 7.pm...ahem.
12:16
OOOoooooOOH!
08:21
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