Ani-magi-tastic!

Hi, I'm Johnny Morris and I didn't live long enough to be dead without knowing a thing or two about maintaining good health. Here's five of my top Animal Magic Health Tips to keep you in tip-top-tastic condition until death.


1. Wear a Lemur.

Lemur's are well known for their healing properties when worn as either a hat or scarf. These marvellous creatures can even be worn as epilettes and instinctively know to deposit their shit in your pocket. I was talking to my Lemur the other day and he said, "I don't want to go in the box," so I said, "Get in the box," and he said, "I don't want to go in the box," and so on...

2. Fight a Stag.

You should aim to fight at least one Stag a day. This will promote blood flow around (and out of) the body and identify you as a monkey in a world of chimps. Stags; known as the most belligerent of all animals, are easily drawn into a good hoof up. Insulting their antlers by calling them shit sticks will normally suffice but if you want to be totally sure of a scrap then simply approach one and blatantly spill his pint whilst calling him a 'pig fucking ass master'.

3. Invest in fish.

Fish oils have been used to ensure supple joints and promote brain activity for centuries, however, the accepted method of ingesting these products is simply inneffective. My advice is to attach a fish to your thumb (the most absorbant point of your body). Wearing a Thumb Fish not only increases the likelihood of being sectioned under the mental health act but also of getting a seven letter word in Scrabble whilst winning a game of Twister.

4. Place your life in danger every day.


My preferred method is to squeeze the balls of a Tiger. If you do not have a Tiger to hand then there are many methods available to you; in some areas a simple walk to the local shop will suffice. A life threatening act promotes the voiding of the bowel, thus eliminating any discomfort associated with chronic constipation. Constipation is the biggest killer in Western society with many people so full of it they're crying tears of shit on their death beds. Don't let it be you, shit your pants on a regular basis and remember....You must always Purge before you Plentify.

5. Spank the monkey.

A wank a day keeps your friends away. Research shows that there is a 99.9% probability that your friends will kill you. Excessive masturbation, particularly at a party, is the sure fire way of keeping your friends out of your life. You won't regret a thing as you get to live to 100 having enjoyed an agonisingly long and lonely life.


Well that's enough from me and my Lemur. Follow these tips and one day you'll be as dead as I am. For further help you can purchase my Long Play Record (33rpm) rammed to the hilt with practical health advice mixed with my own style of animal musings and the relaxing sounds of Britain's urban landscape.

Johnny Morris' Sound of Sirens LP is available from most reputable shops from the 1970's priced at £1,000 in todays money.

This article has been sponsored by The World Cup.

Categories: John Craven’s Newsround