The rough guide to Q Niles & Kulkowski

Winston Q Niles and myself have decided. It's about time you all got to know us better.
So here it is, the definitive guide to all things Q Niles and Kulkowski. Brothers born to different mothers. Co-creators of the entity known as THE ADVENTURES OF PHILLIP HITECH. All round bad-ass kick shitting butt mongerers.

Winston Q Niles; born Louise Louise Q Niles, started life in a shoebox northwest of Sainsbury's car park, Lower Spuffingham. From these humble beginnings he went on to star not only in the Korean war but also the Crimean and Boer wars respectively. Having seen much action in the anal penninsular, for which he was awarded the covetted Brown Star, Q Niles suffered extreme battle fatigue and began life as a vegetable.

During this time he worked on many film scripts - all of which were returned to him smeared with shit. Thus began a ten year struggle with Hollywood. The story of Q Niles' battle to become king of Hollywood is superbly retold in the film Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts delivering an accurate portrayal of Q Niles inner gender struggle.

By the late 90's Winston Q Niles had firmly established himself as a man and a leading expert in the field of Tomfoolery. His japes are the stuff of legend and to this day he tops the League of Tomfoolerers despite having retired from Tomfoolery in 2001.

Winston Q Niles spent most of 2002-2005 living with monkeys in a commune. He helped them build schools and a movie complex which revived interest in the flagging monkey film industry. Q niles has starred in and directed 21 monkey films to date.

Since co-founding The Adventures of Phillip Hitech, Q Niles has taken full advantage of inter-dimensional travel and has so far taken a dump in 71 alternate realities.
He told us this;

"I'm very proud of what I've achieved and plan to visit more alternative realities so I can shit all over them."

Winston Q Niles' legs are made of wax and Q is for cunt.

Here are some stock photos of him.

Manny Kulkowski; 'born' Manfold Crockoshite Kulkowski, came into being following an explosion in a biscuit factory. Some say he has the power of Bourbon Cream but this is unsubstantiated. Kulkowski refuses to be drawn on this subject.
He told us;

"I refuse to be drawn on this subject."

Kulkowski has a dark and murky past, several decades of which have been found to be removed from history completely.
We know that in 1969 Kulkowski was charged with impersonating God for profit and served time inside. It is thought that during this period he learnt the value of not dropping your soap in the shower.
Kulkowski used his time of imprisonment wisely, developing revolutionary Hand Spankery techniques.
On his release Kulkowski was ready to open the first Hand Spankery on Broadway. It was an overnight success and soon boasted celebrity clients such as John Travolta, Sammy Davis Jnr and William Shatner.
He quickly tired of hand spankery however and went on to create the controversial salon, You Beautiful mong. His first client was Tom Cruise and Kulkowski apologises right here and now for what he did.
Find out more about You Beautiful Mong @ http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2006/01/advertisement.html

Manny Kulkowski's story is told in the trilogy Lethal weapon 1 - 3. Both Danny Glover and Mel Gibson play Kulkowski, providing a visual representation of his inner race struggle.
The fullest available account of his life can be found in Kulkowski's profile. His hatred of Tom Hanks is well documented.

Since co-founding The Adventures of Phillip Hitech Manny Kulkowski has exposed himself selflessly to every known drug in the universe in an attempt to locate the perfect high.
He told us;

"I fully expect to be tripping well into the next century. Freak out man!"

Manny Kulkowski designed the Ass-shelfTM. "Because every ass needs a shelf" and believes shopmobility carts to be the transport of the future.

Here are some stock photos of him.

And what of their plans for the future?

They told us;

"We've got a story to tell, one that'll lay all you fuckers down. It's all about the robot, Phillip Hitech but you'll have to wait for that one. Once it's told we plan to retire and open a Biscuit shop somewhere quiet."

Want to know more about the Hitech team? Follow these links to learn more about our errant contributors;

Alan Scrotum - http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2006/01/holy-cock-fire.html

Jesus Harold Christ - http://philliphitech.blogspot.com/2006/01/jesus-harold-christ-i-have-seen.html


Categories: John Craven's Newsround